Sassistas!TM Oscar Report 2008

Inspired by the collective fun and genius of Estrofest, the Sassistas!^TM spent six hours watching the Oscar coverage on Sunday, February 24.  We began at 6 pm with the red carpet arrivals on the E! and TV Guide channels, switched to the Barbara Walters special at 7 pm (surfing back to the red carpet coverage during commercials), and stopped around midnight with the announcement of the Oscar for Best Picture.

Our first annual Oscar report is divided into two sections.  Glamour: Ohh La La! (Fashion) and Clamour: Brouhaha! (Film).

GLAMOUR: Ooh La La!

Threatening rainstorms did not drench the spirit of Hollywood or its stars, thanks to an exquisite plastic tarp designed by Home Deport covering the red carpet entrance to the Kodak Theater.  Speaking of plastic tarp, Ryan Seebreast was our go-to-man at E!  Ryan was assisted by someone he simply referred to as Tom, outfitted with a "hat cam" (that's right – a camera in a gray fedora) crouching (yes, crouching) next to Ryan in order to capture shots we couldn't get at home because we kind of look at people's faces when they talk (Tom's first name must have been Peeping). Ryan's incisive commentary was best summed up by a colleague who, in response to Ryan’s attempting to wear Amy Adams’ evening purse as a cod piece, "I’m sorry we don’t have a crotch cam down there."

We weren't sorry.

The first grand entrance was made by George Clooney and his former Las-Vegas-cocktail-waitress-girlfriend, Sara DesignerintheHouse.






George looked dashing in his Arwomani tuxedo and bowtie tattoo. Our initial response to Sara was that she had daringly chosen to wear a tablecloth Matissta's mother once owned.  We then realized that it couldn't possibly be that tablecloth (as Matissta now owns it), but rather some bathroom curtains designed by Gol-figer. We assumed Sara saw it in the window and just had to have it . . . and then told Marion Cotillard who decided to one up Sara by wearing a bedspread owned by Matissta's mother.

Next came Laura Linney, with hair styled by Loretta Lynn:

Next came the regal Helen Mirren, and for her we had only one question:  Wouldn't those doilies on your arms look better under the Queen's royal tea service?












   

About this time Cameron Diaz appeared and sorry, folks, is she as dumb as a post or what?  Here's a tip for the Oscar organizers next year: make certain the presenter for Best Cinematography can actually pronounce the word, "cinematography."   Cameron, read our lips (if you can): De Oscars Diaz not de venue for you.

Where to start with Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis and his wife, Rebecca Miller?  Let's begin with her dress – something obviously picked up from the set of "Dynasty."  Finding the black with red straps a bit too bland, Rebecca garnished the front of it with what Matissta believes is a piece of chandelier, and I (Flannista) believe is a piece of debris from that satellite shot out of the sky last week.  Then to complete her outfit, she obviously consulted with Dr. Seuss about the shoes.  Speaking of which, check out the shoes worn by Daniel Day-Lewis.  Whoever is responsible for sending Daniel and Rebecca out in public, we have only this to say:  there will be blood.

Next to last is Diablo Cody:  For her, we also have just one question:  From which Flintstone did you borrow your dress?  All that is missing is the bone in your hair.  Our advice:  shoulda, woulda Prada.

And last, but certainly not least: Tilda Swinton.  When Matissta first saw her on the red carpet, she said, "Look who just landed."  Tilda, Tilda, Tilda.  We so LOVE you in all your glorious, other-worldly androgyny, but darlink!  You can't fool Matissta!  She saw immediately that you totally stole the idea for your outfit from David Bowie in "The Man Who Fell to Earth."  (See side-by-side comparisons below.) About the folks that outfitted you, we along with Bowie, can only hope that, "Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes" are on the way!

CLAMOUR: Brouhaha!

Every year, the Sassistas!^TM clamor to see as many of the films and performances nominated for an Academy Award.  The biggest oversight in our memory of following the Oscars is that "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" won none of the awards for which it was nominated this year (it wasn’t even nominated for Best Picture).  "Diving Bell" was our pick for Best Picture of the Year as well as Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography and Best Editing.   It is one of the most beautiful and humane films the Sassistas!^TM have ever seen.  That being said, following are our comments on the winners:

BEST PICTURE: "No Country For Old Men".   To that, I say, No Oscar For Obtuse
Movies.  I didn't get it, Friend-o.  I read somewhere that this film is about cosmic
uncertainty and was made for those of us who live in times where we don't know squat
but like to think we do.  Here's the inside squat: all the characters in the movie are really
dead and the sheriff at the end was having a bad dream.  Didn't we flunk out of high
school English with crappy plots like that?

Of the nominated films, I thought "Michael Clayton" was the most solid contender,
followed by "Atonement," "There Will Be Blood," and "Juno."

BEST DIRECTOR:  It is scandalous that Julian Schnabel did not win.  Coen Brothers –
tell me your win was all a bad dream.

BEST ACTOR:  My pick: Tommy Lee Jones for his understated, heart-breaking
performance in "In the Valley of Elah" – a movie no one saw; a movie every American
should be required to see.  Daniel Day-Lewis’s performance will be spoofed for years. 
Go ahead, drink my milkshake.

BEST ACTRESS:  A wonderful, wonderful surprise – Marion Cotillard completely
deserved this award.  Her performance as Edith Piaf in Le Vie en Rose is jaw-dropping. 
It stayed with me for days.

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Sorry, Friend-o, Javier Bardem wasn’t nearly as good as Hal
Holbrook in, "Into the Wild."   My second pick would have been Casey Affleck in “The
Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford,” (or Matissta’s shortened
version of the title, "I Killed the Dude.") 

SUPPORTING ACTRESS:  Tilda.  You can play any role.  Any time.  Anywhere.  Play
me.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE:  I had seen all of the nominated films at SilverDocs last
June and was rooting for either, “No End in Sight” or "Taxi to the Dark Side."

DOCUMENTARY SHORT:  I had seen all of these nominated films at SilverDocs last
June and was pulling BIG time for "Freeheld."  What a beautiful 35-minute jewel.  I cried
when it was announced as the winner.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:  Diablo, dude, the orange TicTacs and all were easy to
swallow, but the far better screenplay was "The Savages" by Tamara Jenkins.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY.  "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" should have won
followed by "Away from Her."  Coen brothers: tell me your win was all a bad dream.


All in all, your Sassistas!^TM, Matissta and Flannista, were disappointed by the Oscars this
year.  We welcome your comments, and if you don't like ours:  please kiss our sass!

Comments

[youngasista]

The photos comparing Tilda to David Bowie are too good! I like the ways your minds work Sistas and this is one tasty soup!

[babysis]

Your dish leaves me hungry for way more - seconds, please!

[Flannista]

Youngsista -- thanks for the spicy comment. And please continue to dole out your own brand of sass. And I LOVE your Sassistas! name. Rub it in, why don't ya?

And babysis -- seconds on the way! And you, too, continue to dole out your unique sass (with the correct spelling, of course).

[Matissta]

So glad you enjoyed our post. We had way too much fun watching the Oscars and writing about it.

[Miss Missasista]

Sistas - you are both one first sass act! Your 2008 Oscar Report is the best. Sista Loretta Lynn had to have been disappointed with the weather. The humidity level must have been high that day. Loretta's signature poufiness hairstyle that she tried to duplicate on Laura Linney was not up to par. What can I say about Rebecca Miller and Daniel Day-Lewis? I do believe I saw Rebecca's shoes at a gift shop at the Philadelphia Zoo. If I remember correctly, it was near the zebra exhibit. I don't think those were shoes that Mr. Day-Lewis had on. I heard that someone stole the Cowardly Lion's feet from the MGM costume room. As it pertains to Diablo Cody. She resembles Elizabeth Taylor in "Cleopatra." Didn't sista Liz have some kind of contraption in her hair during that movie? It wasn't a bone, but something like that. Last, but certainly not least, sista Tilda.........sigh. She looks like she is sporting a 60 pound Hefty trash bag. Sorry sistas, I know you like her. The 2009 Oscars can't come soon enough. Can't wait till next year's Sassistas Oscar Report!

[Flannista]

Miss Missasista -- you dole a VERY sassy Oscar dish! The Sassistas! laughed ourselves sassy reading this post. What can we say, but that you're gifted with ladles and ladles of sista-tude! Please come back and visit again. Like you, we'll dish you all the best.

[Miss Missasista]

My dear Sistas! If I am gifted with "ladles and ladles of sistatude," I owe it all to the Sassistas! You certainly bring out my sistatude! I wish I had this much sistatude 30 years ago. However, we'll discuss that sistuation another day. In the meantime, I love ya, Sassistas! Keep it coming! Visiting with the Sassistas! is the most sasstifying experience I have had in a long time!

[Flannista]

Miss Missasista -- the Sassistas! love you, too! Please continue to visit and dole out your unique dish of sass! You are helping to put the Sass in Sassistas!, not to mention, to put the Sassitas on the internet map! Thank you.