Following is yesterday's entry in the Sassistas!TM diary.
May 20, 06:13 a.m.
This small bag of Sun Chips has an expiration date of May 20. Just below that date is the precise time at which the "guaranteed" freshness of the chips ends: 06:14.
What happens if the Sun Chips are consumed after the expiration date and time? Absolutely nothing or absolutely everything? The Sassistas!TM need to know! Are we being foolish or Faustian? Or both? Let's insassigate!
6:15 a.m.
We consume one chip and are amazed. Click here to see our transformation! What would happen if we consumed ANOTHER chip? Even more stunning results or are we playing with fire? We eat another chip.
OH NO! Click here to see the transforming results of greed! But wait. Perhaps with each eating of a chip we alternate between good and bad and bad and good. Will eating one more chip take us back to our original selves? Or could we experience an even worse transformation? Is it possible that we could become the ABSOLUTE WORST THING EVER? With great trepidation, we consume one more chip.
OH NO! OH NO! Sistas and mista sistas – please heed expiration dates and times! Click here to see what could happen to you!!!
Does another one turn you into Karl Rove rubbing his little cloven hooves together? LMAO Sassistas!
One of my earliest childhood memories is of my dad holding up a milk carton and yelling down the store aisle "HEY, THIS IS EXPIRED AND ITS NOT MARKED DOWN YET!!" I never drank un-expired milk until I was an adult. It was normal business to cut the mold off of cheese, throw out a few green slices of bread and eat the rest, etc. My dad would go through the refrigerator and eat what the rest of us refused to touch - I used to tell him he was a goat. But he lived a pretty healthy life until he died at 82, so who knows? Maybe all that expired food and drink had preservative properties.
Posted by: Westsista | May 21, 2008 at 06:22 AM
At least you didn't turn into the lame duck who lives on Pennsylvania Avenue.
Posted by: half-a-sista | May 21, 2008 at 07:59 AM
half-a-sista: in the spirit of yesterday's post, I must be honest and consass that I would rather turn into the lame duck who lives on Pennsylvania Avenue than Ann Coulter.
Westsista -- why does sour cream have an expiration date?
I tend to keep food way beyond its expiration date, using the "if-it-smells-okay-it-must-be-okay" test. That being the gauge, Ann Coulter has never been okay for me because her mean-spirited commentary stinks to high heaven.
Posted by: Flannista | May 21, 2008 at 08:34 AM
Flannista, interesting that you don't throw out food past expiration but medicine, such as aspirin, you toss as soon as it passes the date.
Posted by: Matissta | May 21, 2008 at 08:43 AM
Well, nothing like having one's expirations exposed in the sassosphere.
The reason I toss medicine is because there's less room in the medicine cabinet than there is in the refrigerator . . . not necessarily because it's dangerous to keep drugs past their expiration dates. Besides, I think that's just a LIE forced on us by the drug companies to increase their bottom line.
Posted by: Flannista | May 21, 2008 at 09:55 AM
Oh God - Flannista, you must be making a joke about sour cream (very funny!). Boy, does it go bad. As does buttermilk. And many people do not realize that ice cream goes bad as well and has to be thrown out. As does candy.
Drugs never expire. Please. My roommate broke her shoulder in 2005 and some knuckleheaded doctor prescribed 200 Darvocet for her. She wasn't able to take them as they made her nauseous, but I helpfully procured all of her refills for her anyway. Of course you know I would never take someone else's prescription medication, but I bet if you had a migraine and took one two years after expiration it would still work (like a champ).
One more - my dad had a prescription for Valium and filled in when we lived in Phoenix (sometime before 1967). In 1989, when I was really stressed, my father offered me his old prescription. (yeah, no boundaries in my family.) Of course I would never take someone else's prescription, but if I did take the whole bottle (painfully rationed) over several years, I bet they would have helped me get through several difficult family holidays without any unpleasant incidents of family-cide.
Posted by: Westsista | May 21, 2008 at 10:26 AM
I'm not sure where Carolyn is when we need her input on this, but on her behalf I will say also how I love Westsista's wit. Now donning my mommy hat, I always heard only liquid medicine really expires, like that ear drop suspension stuff you're supposed to keep in the fridge, but not forever.
Posted by: babysis | May 21, 2008 at 01:04 PM
So, if you open a new bag of expired chips, does the cycle start all over again? Maybe, it is not just the taste that expires. Could it be that the preservatives have a shelf-life and that past the expiration date they become even more toxic than they already are?
Posted by: youngasista | May 21, 2008 at 01:59 PM
Perhaps Carolyn consumed something that expired. Let's hope not because the sista sure can kick sass.
Yeah, babysis, the WW (Westsista Wit) ought to be bottled with no expiration date. I'd swallow that medicine once every 10 minutes. And like that bottle of medicine that belonged to Moses' wife (was her name, Sara or Esther or Ruth or Cleopatra?), I would never want it to be empty.
babysis -- what the sass is "ear drop suspension stuff"?
Posted by: Flannista | May 21, 2008 at 02:01 PM
youngasista -- our comments passed each other in cyberspace.
Just read your questions and am a bit nervous about all the preservatives I consume -- past their expiration dates. Do you know of an antidote? One easily obtained that will take instant effect? Because all day, I've been watching FOX news and find myself strangely attracted to Bill O'Reilly and don't get me started on Rush Limbaugh. The more expired stuff I eat, the more Rush makes me blush.
PLEASE HELP ME. MAKE ME HUMAN AGAIN.
Posted by: Flannista | May 21, 2008 at 02:10 PM
There are two PERFECT antidotes to your problems (but you're not going to like them):
1.) EAT FRESH FOOD (not processed or packaged!)
2.) TURN OFF THE TV (forever!)
Posted by: youngasista | May 21, 2008 at 03:46 PM
What about make-up? I had a very serious young woman (with flawless skin) at the Clinique counter at Bloomingdale's warn me that beauty products need to be THROWN OUT after a year. I have some stuff in my bathroom from the 70s.
Posted by: barista | May 21, 2008 at 04:24 PM
Thank GAWD! TOMORROW the Sassistas! get our first delivery of fresh vegetables from the LOCAL GROWERS COOP we joined this year -- thanks for sasscouraging us to do that!
And I have turned off the TV, but am now speed-reading a book by Peggy Noonan on how to write Ronald Reagan's speeches. I must be delusional. Is that America I see -- that shining city on a hill where the sun never sets and gas is less than $2 a gallon?
Posted by: Flannista | May 21, 2008 at 04:30 PM
barista -- hmmmmm -- bet you ANYTHING that Britney Spears has been wearing EXPIRED make-up! That explains SO MUCH! Bet you Anne Coulter does, too!
Posted by: Flannista | May 21, 2008 at 04:32 PM
Hi Sassistas! What a hoot today's post is! I laughed hysterically when I read it this a.m. and have been having fun throughout the day reading everyone's comments. The first transformation isn't bad, but that sista needs to ditch the outfit and those ghastly red boots. The second transformation has stirred up some frightening memories of how scared I was on that one Sunday night of the year when The Wizard of Oz was on television. That was one mean, scary sista! Yikes! I've got to do some resassearch on the last sista shown. I don't know much about her, other than what my fellow sistas and mista sistas have shared. This was a really funny post today, and reading it was the highlight of my day!! Love Ya!!
Posted by: Miss Missasista | May 21, 2008 at 05:15 PM
Man, I wish I was witty but I am just an honest chronicler of my . . . let's call them eclectic . . . family members and other craziness that tends to show up at my door.
I had to remind my therapist that he is supposed to be trying to reassure me that my life is normal. He just laughed merrily. For a long time.
Flannista, if you're looking at a less drastic alternative to giving up TV, (a) stop reading Peggy Noonan RIGHT NOW, (b) watch the John Adams miniseries, (c) catch Recount on HBO this weekend.
Posted by: Westsista | May 21, 2008 at 06:04 PM
I was always fond of Wonder Woman and her lariat of truth which we could desperately use in this election year. I thought Anne was anorexic and didn't eat anything, outdated or not. Is my information faulty?
A word of caution about food from your coop: remember it was vegetables that made all those Taco Bell customers deathly ill. Fresh vegetables are NOT all they are cracked up to be.
White sugar and butter are the only two food items you can count on.
Posted by: half-a-sista | May 21, 2008 at 06:59 PM
I've been sick abed these last two days, and this posting and comments have really lifted my spirits ;-)
I was thinking, as I saw the results of the second chip, "well, that's because you didn't *drink* anything, silly!". Must have my Coke every day, and a double dose if I have indigestion, works wonders!
Have a great evening, one and all!
Posted by: Chrysosistah | May 21, 2008 at 08:55 PM
Hope you feel better, Chrysositah!
Totally agree with half-a-sista re: white sugar and butter. No sense in taking any chances.
Posted by: Westsista | May 22, 2008 at 06:18 AM