Sassistas! Our dish on the social soup.

We Talk Too Much

"I once asked my eldest daughter, Sarah, the mother of five, what it was about dogs that made loving them so easy. 'They don't talk,' she said. They do communicate . . . .It's simpler than what humans go through. 'Your voice sounds funny, are you made at me?' a young woman speaks anxiously, cell phone pressed to ear, and I wonder how people ever manage to hook up. Dogs are never in a bad mood over something you said at breakfast. Dogs never sniff at the husks of old conversations, or conduct autopsies on weekends gone wrong. An unexamined life may not be worth living, but the overexamined life is hell. We talk too much."

-- from A Three Dog Life: A Memoir by Abigail Thomas

Leap for the Lord!

School's out for summer, and the sistas and mista sistas with young kids undoubtedly can't wait until V.B.S begins! That’s right: Vacation Bible School! And what better way for churches to lure your kids to go – and get them to stay – than with V.B.S. loot!

Thank GAWD for the Oriental Trading company, which for 75 years has been combining "FUN & FAITH" with items such as the one pictured here: the "Leap for the Lord" Potato Sack (2 ft. x 3 ft) for only $4.95!

How about the "Religious Squirt Rings" with these instructions: "Squirt your friends with these plastic rings! Fill with water, aim and squeeze." Look closely and you'll see that each ring is decorated with a religious icon and/or a message such as, "God rocks." Or get a load of the "Smile, Jesus Loves You!" Boomerangs; or the "Jesus Lights the Way" Flashing Bouncing Balls" (batteries included); or the precisely named "Rainbow Putty in Cross-Shaped Containers" with the description, "this putty is both pretty and gooey!" Wow, just like a personal relationship with Jesus!

It's hard for the Sassistas!^TM to choose our favorite item. We love the "Wanted By God! Photo Frame Cards" and the "Fly with the Lord" gliders . . . but our absolute favorite – and we mean ABSOLUTE and we mean FAVORITE -- item is the "Stick to Your Faith Sticky Splat Balls" (pictured left), complete with the promise: "These sticky squish balls will splat a spiritual message on any surface!" But wait, that's not all! These Sticky Splat Balls are on sale for $9.99 a dozen rather than $11.95! Sweet Jesus, is there a God in heaven or what?

The Sassistas!^TM are buying six dozen and heading straight to the White House!

Bread and Roses

Last week babysis challenged the Sassistas!^TM to dish about the record $86.3 million paid for a 1976 Francis Bacon triptych (pictured above) that had been expected to sell for about $16 million less. The sale occurred May 14th at a Sotheby's contemporary art auction where collectors dropped a historic $362 million. Fortune called it, "a sign that for dealers and gallery owners, good times are still rolling. The sky may be falling on the economy, but the art market is flying high."

Contrast that news with this news a week later from the Washington Post (5/23/08):

In the weeks since a cyclone laid waste to Burma's delta region and an earthquake devastated a central Chinese province – catastrophes that collectively left 184,000 people dead or missing and displaced millions – Americans have donated an estimated $57 million to disaster relief charities as of yesterday.

$86.3 million for one painting. $57 million for 184,000 people dead or missing or displaced. Somethin' ain't right, right?

Babysis challenged us to dish because she knows Flannista takes great pride in her collection of original art. She knows that Flannista buys art before a new wardrobe or new bathroom towels. Why? Because supporting artists by purchasing their work and displaying it in her home fundamentally and mysteriously heals her. How does Flannista reconcile her struggle between helping those less fortunate and helping herself? She tithes 10% of her annual income to charities and another 10% to support the arts. Her trade-off is an out-dated wardrobe and a dining room table purchased 30 years ago for 15 bucks that functions mostly to prop art.

Is the $86.3 million Bacon painting healing its new owner? Would looking at it soothe grieving parents in China? As much as she wants to, Flannista won't judge. Perhaps she's a hypocrite. Or perhaps art has played a role in healing her, like all the arts can and will . . . as they did 16 years ago in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia:

At 4 pm on May 27, 1992, while waiting for bread in one of the last functional bakeries in the city, 22 people were instantly killed by a mortar shell. Vedran Smailovic, principal cellist of the Sarajevo Opera, looked out his window to find flesh, blood, bone and rubble splattered over the area. He was neither a politician nor a soldier. What could he do about the war? But he was an artist. For 22 days after that -- at 4 pm -- Smailovic walked to the middle of the street where the massacre had occurred. Dressed formally, as for a performance, he sat on a battered camp stool placed in the crater made by the mortar shell, his cello in his hands, and played music. Around him, mortar shells and bullets flew. But he did what he did best, he gave what he gave best – the sound of music that perhaps for a moment would drown out the sound of war.

Rat Piss on Cotton

Over the weekend, barista gave the Sassistas!^TM this year's list (compiled by English teachers) of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays across the USA. Following are our favorites among the winners:

• "She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up."
• "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
• "Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze."
• "The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while."
• "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

After reading this list aloud several times, the Sassistas!^TM began to have a new appreciation for metaphors such as these. We recalled our awe of a comment Carolyn submitted on May 7 in the sassosphere:

When I walked into that place, all activity stalled and you could'€™ve heard a rat piss on cotton.

How we wish we had written that line ourselves! Sasspired by dog throw-up and rat piss, we decided to create some of our own award-winning metaphors. We invite you to submit your own!

• His tongue scanned the horizon of her mouth like a submarine periscope.
• Her voice had a certain ring --- not like a diamond ring or even ring around the collar -- but more like a telephone ring, but not the ring from an old-fashioned wall telephone, but more like the ring from a 1970s telephone, the one that sat on a desk, remember? That phone. That ring.
• The cabernet had a robust, naughty bouquet, like it needed to be taken around the corner and given a good spanking.
• It was morning in America, like it was 7 a.m., not 7 p.m.

We want to leave you with a beautiful metaphor (we're serious) that a child of a good friend wrote when the child was just FIVE YEARS OLD:

Pink is like toe shoes dancing across the floor.

Stunning! For every bad metaphor and/or analogy you create, see if you can create one that tops what pink is like to a five-year-old. Dance away!

Ask Not What Your Country Can Do . . .

The Sassistas! got their “economic stimulus” checks . . . our small drop of the $168 billion stimulus package . . . a package comprised of funds America mostly borrowed from China!  Yep, the economy is drowning in debt, inflation is saturating consumer prices – and it’s up to us who are soaked to fix it!  We can’t wait to turn the waterwheels of American productivity.  So many options!

• From May 14 to July 19, Sears will give a 10 percent bonus to anyone who shows up at a Sears or Kmart cash register to buy a gift card with a stimulus check.
• Pizza Hut is promising to make "a little bit of dough" go "a long way" by offering a one-topping Pizza Mia for $5 with the purchase of three of more pies.
• Wal-Mart has launched an "economic stimulus plan," cutting prices 10 to 30 percent on certain items.

Recent surveys show that most people will be using their rebates to pay down debt or to simply get by. Check out the following Washington Post "Letter to the Editor" (5/20/08):

So I got my $300 stimulus check. Then I went to pick up three of the six prescription medications I take daily: $204. I stopped by the gas station and filled up the tank: $56. I came home and wrote a check for a medical bill: $40. Meanwhile, the mom-and-pop hardware store down the street is struggling to keep its doors open. I really wanted to spend my check to "stimulate the economy" there, but there wasn't anything left.

To prevent further soaking, Matissta is using her check to pay down debt and Flannista is using hers to pay quarterly taxes. Is this a great country or what?

Remember the 54th

The 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry Regiment was one of the first official African-American units in the United State armed forces. Though under a death sentence by a Confederate proclamation, the 54th left Boston to fight for the Union, initially performing only manual labor. The regiment gained recognition on July 18, 1863, when it spearheaded an assault on Fort Wagner near Charleston, South Carolina. At this battle, 117 men were killed and another 156 were wounded or captured. Although the Union was not able to take and hold the fort, the 54th was widely acclaimed for its valor, and the event helped encourage the further enlistment and mobilization of African-American troops. The story of the unit was depicted in the 1989 Academy Award winning film, "Glory."

Tho Much is Taken, Much Abides

"And may it be said of us, both in dark passages and in bright days, in the words of Tennyson that my brothers quoted and loved, and that have special meaning for me now:

I am a part of all that I have met....
Tho much is taken, much abides....
That which we are, we are--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
              ...strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

"For me, a few hours ago, this campaign came to an end. For all those whose cares have been our concern, the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die."

--Senator Edward M. Kennedy,
  Democratic National Convention, August 12, 1980

American Mediocrity

We consass. The Sassistas!^TM watched the season finale of "American Idol" the other night – the first time we've ever watched it. Really. The first time. And the last. We were left so sassless we initially decided not to dish about it. Then Sistadawg dared us. "You would get a ton of hits," she declared.

Let's dish.

Ryan Seacrest first entered the sassosphere when he hosted a pre-Oscar Show. We didn't get him then and we don't get him now. He's the mastoid of ceremonies – yeah, a real pain in the neck. The dude gets paid gadjillions of dollars simply to introduce or set up infomercial after infomercial after infomercial. This finale had more plugs than Home Depot.

We began to make a list of who and what was being/getting plugged, but when ZZ Top and then Donna Summer and then (sweet jesus, no) Graham Nash (all with upcoming albums and/or tours) came on stage to sing with an Idolette, we gave up. Someone obviously didn't teach himself, let alone his children, well. At some point, Jimmy Kimmel did some lame stand-up routine (what, for a new youTube video called, "I'm F#cking Myself"?), and we vaguely remember Mike Myers as some love guru (his new movie . . . talk about bad karma) and then Gladys Knight and her Pips played by Ben Stiller, Jack Black and, are you kidding us? Robert Downey, Jr. Sorry, Iron Man, get us a drink. Fast. Then we learn that the three of them are in a movie coming out in August.

So this is what we've been missing by not watching "American Idol" – one huge PlugFest?

Well, not exactly. We've also been missing the wit and wisdom of the judges: Randy Something-Or-Other; Paula Get-Me-A-Drink-Fast-So-I-Can-Continue-To-Emote-That-Everyone-On-Earth-Has-The-Talent-To-Be-An-American-Idol-Abdulalalalala; and the EVIL ONE – Simon Cruella De Vil, whose trenchant tart tongue is matched by an equally hair-raising coiffure. Some advice, EO: trade your barbs for a barber. And what's with the open-collar, crisp, starched white shirt? James Bond does it better. Hell, Sea-Bond does it better.

Which brings us to the two finalists out of the 89,436,617 original contestants. The Dueling Davids: David, the-if-I-don't-shave-I-sing-better-bartender; and David, the garden gnome. Each belts out his treacly tunes to the screaming masses. Then it's 9:47 – one hour and 47 minutes after this PlugFest started – and please, we're begging you, Ryan – put us out of our misery and announce the winner . . . puleeeezzzze!!!

But not just yet . . . because it's time for the golden moment we've ALL been waiting for ALL night. George Michael. Really. We're not making this up. He, too, has a new album out and . . . George, oh George! Eyes to the front. Stop eying the Davids for a sec and sing your treacly tune. George finishes. Ryan fawns. Everyone on earth stands and applauds. Even the EVIL ONE who strategically exposes his one chest hair to George. Commercial break. Trailer for the Pips new movie.

But guess what? By this time, we don't care who wins. Who did win? We don't know because we've been reduced to American idiots.

Sistadawg – we better get a ton of hits.

The Strangers Among Us

There she is again.

About four times a day, a woman walks up and down the street outside Flannista's study window. She's been doing this for about seven months now – through rain and snow. Every day she wears the same pants, the same shirt (always mis-buttoned) and the same bedroom slippers. Depending on the weather, she'll also have on a sweater or a coat (always the same ones, also mis-buttoned). Flannista often passes her during day-time walks with the dog. The woman does not comb or brush her hair. Her complexion is alarmingly ruddy and her frozen, forward gaze never deviates. The first few times they passed each other, Flannista said hello. The woman did not look and did not break pace.

Who is she? Where does she live? Flannista asked several community long-timers and no one knows.

Strangers like this live in each of our neighborhoods.  What is our responsibility to them? Why did Flannista want to run in the opposite direction the first time she saw this woman? She is undoubtedly struggling with a mental illness, yet in some weird way, seems to be coping.  She's out and about. Not holed up like so many of us are, kidding ourselves that surfing the internet is building community.

Today, while walking past a large tree her stranger always passes, Flannista thought of taking a clue from Boo Radley and sticking something shiny in the tree knot.  Maybe the stranger will notice. Maybe not.  But ignoring her altogether, "well, it'd be sort of like shootin' a mockingbird, wouldn't it?"

Great Expirations

Following is yesterday's entry in the Sassistas!^TM diary.

May 20, 06:13 a.m.

This small bag of Sun Chips has an expiration date of May 20. Just below that date is the precise time at which the "guaranteed" freshness of the chips ends: 06:14.

What happens if the Sun Chips are consumed after the expiration date and time? Absolutely nothing or absolutely everything? The Sassistas!^TM need to know! Are we being foolish or Faustian? Or both? Let's insassigate!

6:15 a.m.

We consume one chip and are amazed. Click here to see our transformation! What would happen if we consumed ANOTHER chip? Even more stunning results or are we playing with fire? We eat another chip.

OH NO! Click here to see the transforming results of greed! But wait. Perhaps with each eating of a chip we alternate between good and bad and bad and good. Will eating one more chip take us back to our original selves? Or could we experience an even worse transformation? Is it possible that we could become the ABSOLUTE WORST THING EVER? With great trepidation, we consume one more chip.

OH NO! OH NO! Sistas and mista sistas – please heed expiration dates and times! Click here to see what could happen to you!!!