Confessions Of An Obese Woman

The Sassistas!^TM would like to acknowledge and thank Westsista who dished today's sass.

I'm not much of an art critic, but I am a news junkie. When I saw the story headline, "Overweight Nude Sets Art World Record," I followed the link. I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.

For a long time, I tried to figure out how I felt about it. Was I repulsed by it? Happy that a fellow obese woman was the model for such a highly valued painting? Disturbed by the idea that someone my size is being portrayed as a freak?

It was auctioned for $33.6 million last month, setting the record for the most money ever paid for a painting by a living artist. That artist is 85-year-old Lucien Freud, the grandson of Sigmund Freud.  Remember the painting that set the auction record for any artist? That artist was Francis Bacon, a friend and contemporary of Lucien Freud.

The name of Freud's 1995 painting is "Benefits Supervisor Sleeping." The subject was Sue Tilley, at the time an actual benefits supervisor for the UK government. In every photo I've seen of Tilley, she looks much more attractive than the worn-out woman on the worn-out sofa.

She sounds like someone I'd like to meet. "My life's changed overnight," she says, "I'm beside myself, but then lovely things are always happening to me." She also had this to say about Freud: "I'm not the 'ideal woman' I know I'm not. But who is? And he never made the skinny ones look any better. He picks out every single little detail." It's true. I looked at several of his other paintings, and they have a similar look. Queen Elizabeth sat for him (with her clothes on) as did Kate Moss, so he's not obsessed by civil servants or the fat.

I finally figured out that the painting makes me feel self-conscious. One afternoon I stretched out on my bed naked, in the same pose, with a hand mirror. I couldn't get the whole picture all at once, but I did see enough to make me wince a little. I had no idea I looked like that when lying on my side. If I ever have another lover, remind me not to do that.

If successful art is disturbing, then this has been a masterpiece for me. Several of the articles described the painting as "gloriously fleshy." I'd really like to be able to embrace that perspective.

Comments

[half-a-sista]

Westsista, thanks for writing this piece. It raises all kinds of questions for me to which I will attempt to find answers. What did the painter think of this painting? Did he have an intent behind it? What kind of relationship did he have with his model?

Do you know if Sue Tilley has spoken about any of these issues? I loved her attitude about the painting.

This also raised body image questions for me. I don't look at my body in the mirror much at all because I don't like what I see (as though I can unlive the last 30 years of my life or would even want to). My society tells me that I am not good looking, that I weigh too much, and that I am bad for my health. I come from big people who lived into their 70's, 80's & 90's. I don't want immortality. Fat happens. I'm working on embracing it.

[ybonesy]

It really is a beautiful painting, I think. So much energy to it, the woman, her body, I love that she's holding her breast and that her face seems to be melting into the couch as if she's relaxed into sleep. And the couch, too, feels alive.

It's been a long while since I've painted live models, but I always preferred those who were anything but perfect. Huge thighs, knobby pelvis, ripply butt. I liked texture and angle, or not. My favorite to models were not at all thin woman with huge thighs whose bones still managed to protrude, and a very overweight black man. Everyone else was just practicing, but when either one of those two showed up, I came alive as an artist. Body can be muse.

I liked reading your perspective. What stood out most is that you did the pose yourself, just to confirm.

[half-a-sista]

Just finished listening to Sue Tilly on BBC. She offers her view on the paintings and Lucien Freud who she thought was a very nice man. Worth a listen. Just google Sue Tilly and there's a link to the BBC radio show on which she appeared.

[Intensive-sista]

Go, Westsista! With love and appreciation from Barbara: filmmaka-sista in Mabel's and Natalie's Taos Zendo.

[Matissta]

We've had two brave, honest, and personal posts this week from you and half-a-sista. Thank you for contributing, Westsista.

I agree with ybonesy. When I was in art school, my favorite model weighed approximately 150 pounds more than the height & weight chart said she should. Her body was so expressive, and she had great movement. She also wasn't self-conscious about her body. Maybe the modeling helped her appreciate and accept that her body wasn't meant to be a size 2.

I think artists tend to look at a body differently than the average person. It's a challenge to capture the human form on paper or on canvus. This is a truly successful piece that illustrates the form and incorporates the texture, but also expresses the peacefulness and contentment of the moment.

[Jerseysista]

I like the way the contours of the model's body are reiterated in the folds and rolls and softness of the sofa that is embracing her and that she is embracing. They're kind of spooning. I think this says a lot about the artist's view of his model.

[Flannista]

When Westsista contacted the Sassistas! about wanting to write another post, I had no idea what she wanted to dish. When her draft arrived with its accompanying links, I was, well, impressed. Like the featured painting itself, Westsista is bold, alive and beautiful. As Matissta shared, the diginity of all of us in the sassosphere has been raised a thousandfold this week by this post and half-a-sista's (on Wednesday) -- and all the comments that followed. We bow to every sista and mista sista.

Welcome Intensive-sista to the sassosphere! And a deep bow to ybonesy who first sassgested that we begin a blog. If the Sassistas! have seen further in our sassosphere, it is because we stand on the shoulders of ybonesy and her blog partner, quoinmonkey and the inspiration of their amazing, I mean AMAZING, website: http://redravine.wordpress.com

I love ybonesy's "body can be muse" comment. Her comment made the painting look brand new to me; for example, I had never really noticed the sofa before. Thanks half-a-sista for the BBC radio show link to Tilley. I plan to take a listen.

I must consass that I have had to work through my own quick judgments of those who weigh, as Matissta said, more than 150 pounds than their recommended height and weight. That is, until I first heard the words of Westsista in the zendo and saw that my definition of beauty was fairly shallow. This may be the mother in me because I do worry about Westsista's health or the health of ANY beloved whose weight may be posing a health risk. What advice can you offer me about this? Is it none of my business? And forgive me if I am being judgmental to even ask the question.

As many of you know, I have a large collection of original art. Later today, in a separate comment (because I am technologically impaired) Matissta will send a link to one of my favorite paintings. It hangs at the top of my stairs, so it is a painting I see very often. I love its freedom and what Matissta brilliantly called "the peacefulness and contentment of the moment" found also in the piece that enraptured Westsista.

[Westsista]

half-a-sista - although I'm thankful to several sistas who were wonderfully willing to talk with me about this painting, you're the mista sista who helped me finally get to the core of my reaction. Deep bow to you.

The most fabulous line ever: " . . . that I am bad for my health" Its funny, its sad, its profound. There's a strange attitude, I think, to try to separate our bodies from who we are (that damn Descartes, again). "Nothing personal, I just don't like your body." How could anything be more personal? We may be spiritual beings having a physical experience, but at least here on Planet Earth, we ARE our bodies. You can't dis my body without dissing me. Its silly to blame me for my body as if its a building I constructed. I AM my body.

And by the way, I love your body. I couldn't love it (or you) more.

[Westsista]

ybonesy - I appreciate your perspective as an artist. The first Natalie Goldberg workshop I went to (July 2002), my roommate was the lovely Melanie, who did nude modeling. She was such a lively, larger-than-life person, I imagined that the artists in "her" classes were very happy to have her as a subject. She tried to convince me that nude modeling would be a good way for me to face my demons and embrace my plus-size body. Hey, if I could do nude modeling I probably wouldn't need to. If that makes sense . . .

[Westsista]

Intensive-sista/filmmaka-sista - thank you for your kind words and support. You inspire and challenge me.

Matissta and Jerseysista - your words are much more lovingly descriptive than any I could hope to write. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Miss Missasista]

I will be straight up with the Sassistas! - I hate this post. I will start by saying that the first thing I thought about after reading "Confessions of an Obese Woman" was Wednesday's post, "With Liberty and Justice for Some." We have all learned through the years of the shameful bigotry African Americans have had to endure. We have all learned the shameful bigotry the homosexual community has had to endure. Does anyone out there have any idea of the shameful bigotry the obese community has had to endure? It hit me hard when Westsista asks if she was repulsed by the painting. Was she disturbed by the idea that someone her size was being portrayed as a freak? I've read everyone's comments and feel as if I, myself, am on display at some freaking museum where everyone can pass judgement, etc. The knowledge that perhaps artists prefer models who are "anything but perfect," have huge thighs, a ripply butt, folds and rolls, etc. - "gloriously fleshy," "expresses the peacefulness and contentment of the moment?"

Flannista, I know you have had to work through your own quick judgement of obese people. It is something that I, like Westsista, has been very self-conscious about, especially when I have been around you. I remember a time when we were at a grocery store together and an obese lady was ahead of us with a very full grocery cart. You commented to me on how there was nothing healthy in her cart and that there needed to be. When you said that about her, you were saying that to me. How does this painting make me feel? How does being obese make me feel? How does the daily judgements that I have to endure make me feel? There is nothing glorious or peaceful in the painting. It is if I am looking in a mirror and enduring all the bigotry that has been thrown towards me - fat people are lazy, pathetic, uncaring and repulsive. Everyone has a story. Alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. get some form of respect for the disease that they are fighting. The obese do not. I have struggled my entire life with my weight. In elementary school, the boys addressed me as "Fatty Flea." My gym clothes did not fit me, so when we had tumbling week and had to stand on our head, my shirt would fly back and my unzipped pants were exposed for everyone to see. I went to a laboratory school on a college campus which meant that the class was continually observed by college students. I felt extremely self-conscious.

I am going to end my comments by saying that I wish that I felt that I had that freedom and justice for all that half-a-sista wrote about two days ago. Like Brandon Teena, Matthew Shepherd and the others mentioned in half-a-sista's post, I am a person just like everyone else.

[Westsista]

Ah Flannista - as usual you have cut to the heart of the matter.

I have watched the latest blame-trend in dismay, and frankly can't wait until another scapegoat is found. Fat cannot be the devil that lurks underneath everything. I have seen fat blamed for literally everything under the sun, including (I am not making this up) global warming. Yes, fat plays a role in our health, as does activity level, smoking, stress, sex, relationships, genetics, drug use, income level, neighborhood, environment, paint, carpeting, mold, etc. And ah yes, family: the gift that keeps giving.

Statistically I am supposed to be most at risk for diabetes and high cholesterol and artery blockages, although in reality I have perfect blood sugar, perfect blood pressure, and low cholesterol. Oh, and clean arteries, including my carotids. Yet I have been screamed at by a doctor who should have known better "You're going to DIE!" Yeah lady, I am. And so are you. We're all standing in the same line. And if you don't get out of my face, you might've just elbowed your way to the front of the line.

My heart condition is unrelated to my weight, although of course I think it would be helpful to my heart to have less of me to drag around. My condition (hit me when I was 29) is statistically more likely to happen to tall athletic men in their 60s. So much for statistics.

I honor your concern, my dearest friend, but I don't think weight is a singular factor which should overshadow all others. Although you wouldn't know if from the DAILY barrage of articles and studies which point to being overweight as the root of all evil. Sigh.

[PEACEsista]

Westsista -- What a beautifully written, thoughtful post. I was touched by your willingness to strike the same pose and look in the mirror. You said that you saw enough to make you wince a little.

I teach yoga at a health club surrounded by mirrored walls. You reminded me of how I often, too, have "winced" upon seeing my own large body in a yoga pose. I focus my attention on the students in class, so it is always sort of a rude surprise to see my own reflection. I look much different in my mind's eye. But, I've sometimes thought that people come to my classes (which are well-attended) because they feel safe trying yoga with an overweight teacher. They don't think that they have to have a "perfect" body, first. I've heard fit people say that they would never take a class with a fat instructor. I guess they feel that instructors should "practice what they preach" fitness-wise. I think of it as a refusal for them to see the whole person and to focus instead on what they value most, fitness.

In yoga I often say, "Never covet someone else's yoga pose. They've got stuff that you don't want." I think that it's like that with other people's bodies, too. Who only knows what nightmares, pain, or heartache may reside within that form.

After reading your post, I am left with the image of a dual picture frame. On one side, Freud's painting, with it's $33.6 million price tag. On the other side, a photo of you = PRICELESS. There just is no way to even compare the value of your flesh and bone, heart and soul to any mere image on canvas. I'm so grateful that you are a part of my most valuable collection, of LIVING art work, as my friend.

[Westsista]

Miss Missasista - I am still crying as I type this. I too have struggled my entire life with my weight. I am so sorry if I have made you feel bad with my post. I was trying to work through my feelings about this painting by talking and writing about it.

While talking with half-a-sista on the phone, I realized that instead of still looking forward to seeing someone that I have been wildly attracted to, after seeing this painting I now dreaded the idea of seeing him. The only thing that changed was how I felt about my own body. And that's when I realized what the core of my reaction was - self-consciousness.

I hear everything you said in your comment. I hear you. I wish I didn't feel your pain so keenly. I wish I could heal the deep wounds in both of us, caused by not being an "acceptable" size.

[Flannista]

Thank you PEACEsista for your love and compassion for all toward which I continually strive. You are my #1 role model in this regard.

Westsista and Miss Missasista: I have no words to describe what it's like to read about my struggle with quick judgments and prejudices about the obese community. This includes my own words staring me in the face.

Please forgive me. I will continue to try and do better.

[Westsista]

PEACEsista, am I going to spend my entire day in tears? Your sweet, loving, wise words are falling as rain in my desert. Thank you for your compassion and open heart and artistry with words.

Its hard for me to do things like attend a yoga class, but when I do, I feel a certain amount of fulfillment in encouraging others to feel better about their bodies and fitness level - they no longer have to fear being the worst one in the class.

Anyone is honored to be able to take a class with a goddess like you.

"Who only knows what nightmares, pain, or heartache may reside within that form." Exactly. You said it so well.

[Westsista]

Oh Flannista - nothing to forgive from this corner. If you hadn't said what you did, I wouldn't have had an opportunity to say what I did. And what a terrible shame that would be! (ha ha)

[Matissta]

In an earlier post, Flannista asked that I post a painting that appears at the top of her stairs. You can view it at:
http://www.sassistas.com/sassistas_our_dish_on_the/images/2008/06/Ann_Saint_John_Hawley.jpg

[Matissta]

Miss Missasista: I understand that you are upset with the post and comments today, but I believe that you have misinterpreted my words. I would like to clarify that the words: "expresses the peacefulness and contentment of the moment" was a comment on the painting, as was the entire paragraph. The skill of the artist. Nothing more. I still believe the painting is a success.

[Flannista]

Thanks, Matissta, for figuring out the technolosass so we could post this painting.

Those sistas and mista sistas in Natalie's Taos intensive might remember that we saw a small exhibit of Ann St. John Hawley's work at the Harwood Museum of Art there. The painting that Matissta posted for me is by Hawley, though she signs all of her paintings, "Saint." It is called, "Red Head."

[PEACEsista]

Thanks, I think, for posting the "Red Head." It looks kinda like what I see in the mirror at yoga class ... only I have my clothes on...

[Westsista]

I felt overwhelmed by the post today, the comments, email conversations I had, and a telephone conversation. I had to get offline and take a long nap. It was all just too much, too close to home, too painful, too revealing.

I want to express my love and appreciation for everyone who commented today or sent me a private email. This apparently struck quite a nerve, including most especially with me.

My philosophy is generally that its better, healthier to bring things out into the open. Sometimes that results in stirring up hot, painful feelings and/or further accidental injury. I hope that any pain caused by today's post is accompanied by deeper healing or additional insight, although I know I don't have any control over that.

MUCH MUCH love and thanks to Sassistas! who gave me the opportunity to have my say, and to all who chimed in with observations, support, love, insight, etc. xoxoxoxoxo

[Westsista]

I find I have to say at least one more thing, even if no one else comments.

To speak to Miss Missasista's point about bigotry toward fat people: I spoke to a friend today who is uninsurable because of her weight. She told me this story.

MyFriend: You can't insure me at all?

InsuranceCompany: No.

MyFriend: Could you insure me if I was a heroin addict?

InsuranceCompany: Yes.

MyFriend: How about if I was an alcoholic?

InsuranceCompany: Yes.

MyFriend: How about if my liver was failing?

InsuranceCompany: Yes, yes, stop asking me questions. Yes its true, the only reason we won't insure is because of your weight.

How crazy is that? My friend had no health problems at all, and all good "numbers" - blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. Only one bad "number" but that was the only one that counted. Let that be a lesson to all. Put down that twinkie and take up heroin!

[nowayasista]

Interesting Post. Good week of various stuff. Have never been obese so will not comment much on discrimination factor. I, like, Flannista have same reaction when I see obese folk with junk in their cart. Why not? They shouldn't be eating all of that crap. I know there is some genetic thing at work here, but some of this misery is self inflicted. While I frankly think the picture is gross, I also do not understand the phobia with the image of the Twiggy like build. But to each his or her own. The final insurance comment was rough. May be more wisdom in the put down the twinkie theory than imagined. When you remove the emotion, obese people are at vastly higher risk of many diseases in addition to joint replacements etc. That is just fact. How about if the insurance company said "yes" we will insure you and provides a treadmill. Or would that too be discrimination?

[half-a-sista]

When we see "junk" in people's shopping cart, we don't need to make a judgment about what they eat. Who died and left us in charge?

I know pencil thin people who shouldn't be eating "junk" for health reasons, but they do. I would bet that when people see "junk" in their shopping carts they don't make judgments about what they should be eating.

There are so many factors at play in obesity as nowayasista mentioned. Some may be self-inflicted, but who are we to judge why someone is obese? The issue is too complicated to make assumption as to the cause. And, once again, who died and left us in charge?

I took the point of the insurance story to be that insurance companies will insure people with other conditions that definitely lead to insurance claims, but not obese people who may or may not make claims against their insurance companies. Alcoholism and drug addiction will, in many cases, lead to major medical expenses. Liver failure will for sure cost the insurance companies plenty of money.

The question wasn't whether or not obesity can cause other physical problems. No, the issue was that the insurance company would insure the alcoholic, the drug addict, and the person with liver failure, but would not even consider insuring the obese person. That's discrimination. If I missed the point of the story, please correct me.

The answer to the question about the insurance company insuring an obese person and providing a treadmill is "No, it would not be discrimination. It would be incredibly insensitive." But at least the company would insure that person.

The real question is, Does the insurance company provide the alcoholic with locks for all of the liquor bottles or the addict with a "Just Say 'NO'" tee shirt autographed by Nancy Reagan. No, I don't think they do. Has your insurance company provided you with anything to prevent you from growing old and using your medical insurance? I doubt it, although that may be the next thing offered as an alternative to national health care.