Muscle Milk

This week, Flannista has been the only woman in a software training class. During lunch one day, she noticed a colleague drinking a carton of something called, "Muscle Milk." Because we have never heard of such a thing and wondered what kind of cow and/or other species produced this milk, the Sassistas!^TM had to make a further insasstigation. So we visited the company that manufactures this product: Cytosport: Driven by Science, Inspired by Performance.

We were stunned to learn that this product is modeled after mother's milk! Read for yourself:

Muscle Milk helps grow muscle faster than gainers, whey or even creatine. This increased muscle growth is possible because Muscle Milk is the first product patterned after Nature’s ultimate anabolic food—human mother's milk. Locked within the composition of human mother's milk are long-held secrets to muscle growth potential. We took the next step and actually duplicated these important muscle growth factors into Muscle Milk.

What's more, Muscle Milk comes in "30 Killer Flavors" including Cookies 'n Crème, Natural Real Chocolate and Egg Nog (further identified as the "Seasonal Flavor"). The Sassistas!^TM had to try some for ourselves so we went for the Pina Colada Muscle Milk. Not bad, but it was missing an important ingredient: rum. Several hours later, we could feel the difference. Our compositions were indeed changing.  However, one would think we would have learned our "Great Expirations" lesson. But, alas, we have not. Although we can (and actually are instructed to) shake the Muscle Milk before using, we can’t seem to shake this (click here) when tampering with the natural order of things.

Determined to insasstigate even deeper, we gave some Muscle Milk to a new mother who had been breastfeeding her child. Click here to see what happened to her baby boy after he swallowed just ONE carton of Muscle Milk.

Comments

[Westsista]

I strongly suspect these muscle men just long to be breast fed. Great marketing angle.

[Flannista]

Yes, CytoSport must stay abreast of the needs of its consumers!

During an afternoon break, the same colleague treated himself to some Muscle Milk 'n Oats -- chocolate flavor, I think. You simply add water and testosterone, nuke it, consume it and you're all revved up to kick butt and break hearts everywhere!

(And just between you and me and the entire world wide web, I must consass that my colleague does indeed have quite the bod. Something's workin'.)

[half-a-sista]

Ah, dear Flannista, the bod's in the bottle. If your synthetic-mother's-milk-drinking colleague stopped nipping at the bottled breast of muscle juice, he would fade into that 98 pound weakling in the backs of comic books that gazed out at all of us scrawny teens. (As hard as it may be to believe, I was one of those teens.) Little did we know then that the muscle men didn't always achieve such musasscular bodies naturally.

Does the stuff contain steroids? Did you see acne on your colleague's face (a sign of steroid use)? Any creatinine in the stuff? Any natural parts to it? Does it have a surgeon general's warning on it? Was it tested on animals?

[Flannista]

half-a-sista: just between you and me and the entire world wide web, my Muscle Milk drinking colleague is, well, gorgeous. There I said it. What's more, he's got a SPARKLING personality -- that's kind of impossible to obtain through steroids, no?

The Sassistas! will have to conduct a deeper insasstigation into how Muscle Milk (and honestly, I first typed "Mother's Milk" and had to correct myself) is tested, but animals may indeed have been involved as Arnold Swarchenegger was -- and now he's the REPUBLICAN Governor of California! So we see that Muscle Milk can have deleterious effects.

Fortunately, I still have in my posassion the carton of Muscle Milk pictured in this post. The ingredients include water, calcium and sodium caseinate, milk protein isolate, blend of vegetable oils, fructose, hexametaphosphate, acesulfame potassium, tricalcium phosphate, ferric pyrophosphate (to name just the first 1/100th of the ingredients), plus, "ingredients derived from milk and soy." Hmmmm. DERIVED. DERIVED. What do you sasspose THAT means?

No surgeon general's warning. Only the promise of "Healthy, Sustained Energy" and, in VERY LARGE TYPE: 34G PROTEIN. Let me add that Muscle Milk also contains 17g of fat, 7g of which are saturated fat. To his credit, my colleague was a bit worried about that fat content, however, from what I can see, his consumption of Muscle Milk products has not yet produced any dubious results, though he did imply the other day that the Washington Post was a LIBERAL newspaper.

[half-a-sista]

A quick trip to the internet yielded these results:

sodium caseinate is used by body builders as a source of slowly digested amino acids (NOTE: Is also used in the manufacture of plastics),
milk protein isolate has something to do with isolating amino acids, but even after reading about it I still didn't understand its benefits (if they are any), but once again bodybuilders were mentioned as liking the stuff,
hexametaphosphate "will not affect the nutrition of food, furthermore, it is of the power to increase food nutrition, promote brain vigour, whet organism's growth." (Your colleague's organism's growth will whet soon.) In its non-food grade form it is used at a whitening agent,
acesulfame potassium is an artificial sweetener,
tricalcium phosphate, another indecipherable thing for half-a-sista,
ferric pyrophosphate can be used to treat anemia.

Is it any wonder that so much cancer exists in the U.S. with all these food additives? I know that many of them are helpful, but do we really need all of these chemicals?

Flannista, I would suggest that your colleague not be cremated at death. Some of these chemicals are extremely flammable.

[PEACEsista]

Thank you, half-a-sista for the in-depth isassigation! What I am wondering now is just how that flammable toxic chemical cocktail can possibly be advertised as being like mother's milk? Unless, of course, the mother IS the Governor of California. You didn't show the whole top of the squishy-looking container. I am sassuming that the big draw on this product is that you drink this "mother's milk" from a squishy container with a nipple!

Flannista, obviously your colleague is well-preserved by these chemicals, but if I were you, I'd skip the offer to drink this toxic waste.

[Jerseysista]

I'm wondering about CytoSport and how it developed its name. Do these people really think about what their names? Is CytoSport really "cellular sport"? You would think they were the IOC of the micro world. Are they supervising international cellular games? Do they have an olympic cytoplasm pool? Do the cells compete to the point of cytolysis? Does CytoSport permit genetically enhanced cytoskeletons? What about single-celled competitors? Are they permitted? Or do they have to compete under the flag of multi-cell organisms?

[Matissta]

Thanks a lot PEACEsista! I'm now having a difficult time trying to erase the image from my mind of Arnold breastfeeding.

And half-a-sista, earlier you asked if this was tested on animals. Yes, yes, it was. Remember the "Killer Rabbit" from Monty Python and the Holy Grail? (For those of you who are unfamiliar, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit_of_Caerbannog )

[half-a-sista]

Jerseysista, hold on to you cytosass!!! The company makes Muscle Milk Pudding to help you recover from the most intense workouts and stressful life events. (How stressful was that software training, Flannista?)

They have performance proteins like "Whey" as in Little Miss Muffet. (who knew she was a bodybuilder?) Cytorex, CytoMax, PROtein, Fast Twitch (don't ask).

Also, they have Xcyto and some kind of candy bar looking thing. All these extol the benefits of these products in helping the body maintain itself.

A little snippet from their "Obsession" section of the web site says it all: "Like you, here at CytoSport we accept no limitations and no excuses – not from ourselves or anyone else. So get going – just don’t do it alone!"

And, yes, dear PEACEsista, our worst fears are confirmed. The individual containers of Muscle Milk do have nipple-like tops from which the hungry, breast milk-obsessed athlete can obtain nourishment. But, upon reflection, don't all those water bottles that people use at the gym have nipple-like tops?

[Flannista]

Only have time for some quick sass as I am still in the middle of software training. I have shared your concerns with my colleague, and can I say, he didn't even LOOK UP at me when I pleaded with him NOT TO PUT THAT CARTON OF MUSCLE MILK to his lips.

As we know from this sista-and-mista-sista comment feed, my colleague is playing with fire.

Matissta -- should I move my computer station further away from him in the event he is transformed into the Killer Colleague of Caerbannog, er, Egg Nog (if my colleague is imbibing in the seasonal flavor)?

Pray for me my sistas and mista sista -- and also for my colleague. HE JUST TOLD ME THAT HE GRADUATED FROM LIBERTY UNIVERSITY. I AM NOT -- I REPEAT -- I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!

[Miss Missasista]

Sassistas! I am attempting to comment on today's post, but I am right at this moment having an unusual reaction to the Horchata Muscle Milk I am drinking. After perusing the list of flavors, I chose Horchata only for the simple reason I never heard of it and thought I'd be gutsy - a skill I am working on. I do not know what in the helicopter horchata is, but I am having a mysterious reaction. Stay tuned for further developments.

[half-a-sista]

Miss Missasista, seek immediate medical attention. I REPEAT. Seek immediate medical attention! Horchata...sounds like a flavor for Indian (like not Native American) sex workers. If you have an uncontrollable desire for samosas, tandoori chicken and a walk on the wild side, run (don't walk) to the nearest health unit. Keep us posted. We are here for you, sista.

[Flannista]

(I'm hiding in the women's restroom near the training studio.)

half-a-sista, thanks much for coming to Miss Missasista's sasscue, though, I fear that if she has actually swallowed some, it may be too late for medical attention.

Jerseysista -- did you win the Nobel Prize in cellular biology? Please offer some advice to Miss Missasista.

Uh-oh. THERE IS LOUD POUNDING ON THE STALL DOOR. I THINK IT'S THE MUSCLE MILK COLLEAGUE . . . I'm trying to remain calm, saying, "I do believe in Muscle Milk, I do believe in Muscle Milk, I do believe in Muscle Milk, I do believeeeeeeeeeeee. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[Miss Missasista]

Whew! I have just returned from spending the past 3 1/2 hours at the emergency room right up the road from where I work. Half-a-sista, I do believe I owe you a debt of gratitude. As soon as your comments appeared, I sought immediate medical attention. As the ambulance raced to the emergency room, I saw through the window the sign for TFC (you know, Tandoori Fried Chicken). I begged the driver to stop, but he told me that my condition was too serious. My urge to take a walk on the wild side abruptly ended when the ambulance medical staff strapped me in a straight jacket. After numerous x-rays, ultrasounds, body scans and blood work, it was determined that I had overdosed on Horchata Muscle Milk. Before drinking my near fatal concoction, I had read on the Muscle Milk website that "Muscle Milk provided nutrients to "kick start the recovery process." It did not specify what type of recovery, so I just went for it hoping that it was some kind of global recovery. I had put two 2.48 jugs of this Horchata Muscle Milk into my body. The doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever said that I ingested a nearly fatal level of iodine. I thought iodine was good for me - at least that's what Mom said when I was growing up and freaking out because she was about to put this orange stuff on my wounds. Anyways, sistas and mista sistas, please use this Muscle Milk with caution, if you use it at all.

[half-a-sista]

Flannista, are you okay? I have contacted the alumni association at Liberty University and swore my undying to allegiance to the dead guy. What was his name? They have told me, off the record of course, that if an alum harms another person in the restroom which is not of the harmers sex. That person will go to Hell. Is that any comfort to you? Flannista? Flannista? Are you there?

Miss Missasista, I was worried sick about you. I tried to book an emergency flight, but I don't know where you live. I had to trust in your good sense. Thank goodness you have some.

From my limited experience with you, I think that gutsy things to do will come to you without you needing to search for them. If you feel compelled to search, just ask any of us who post here for suggestions. I'm sure that we will never be short on gutsy things you could do.

[Westsista]

Ya'll are very amusing. Too bad the muscle milk photo didn't come complete with a male model (hint, hint. Doesn't everyone love the mental picture of Flannista lurking in a hallway trying to snap his photo?! hee hee)

Out of everything posted, you can't believe what I feel I must comment on. I was the MOST HORRIFIED of anyone about Arnold running for Governor (as I said at the time, only stupid people will vote for him so that means he's a sure thing) and I was totally embarrassed when he was elected (I met a lovely woman from Tanzania who laughed and laughed over it as I blushed for my state). I was against the recall of Gray Davis but I've been pleasantly surprised. He's become like a real governor. He's on the right side (that would be my side) of gay marriage, global warming, immigration. He also created an insurance program for high-risk people like me (rates are sky high and there's a 3-month waiting list, but at least its something). I think he's become more realistic and dare I say, smart, since he's been in office.

Just to be clear, I still don't want to see him breast-feeding.