Grinding to a Fault

Some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.  -- Ogden Nash

About a month ago, Flannista began to notice a dull ache around her upper back left molar.  "Shouldn't have eaten that bite-size Heath Bar," she thought.  "Probably cracked a tooth or loosened a filling.  I'll need a crown or root canal.  Damn, 'cause I've got no dental insurance."

Yesterday, Flannista opened her mouth wide for her dentist and got the hard-to-swallow diagnosis: unbeknownst to her, she had been grinding her teeth so badly at night that her gums had become inflamed enough to push up her lower molars into the upper ones.  The dentist was stunned as he had measured the gum between Flannista's teeth less than five months earlier and declared them, "very healthy.  Good for you for flossing so regularly!"

Yesterday he asked: "Have you experienced a lot of stress over the last five months?  Everything okay?"

Flannista wanted to respond: "You mean like having to euthanize my beloved cat and dealing with blood family issues and sitting down to write more of my own story?"

Instead she said, "Not any more stress than anyone else.  You know the economy and all."

The dentist then shared that more and more of his patients are grinding their teeth.  "Like after 9/11," he said.  "The recession is stressing out everybody."

In Flannista's case, teeth grinding damaged her gums.  It can also cause other problems and should be treated as soon as possible.  Four Novocain shots and 2.5 hours later, Flannista got up from the chair, the gums on the left side of her mouth scrapped free of bacteria.  Today, the right side.  Then six weeks of special rinsing and a nighttime mouth guard.  All in all, about $1,600.00.

Part of the price of unexpressed anger.  And unexpressed grief.

What about you, sistas and mistas?  Do any of you grind your teeth?  Have gum disease?  If not, could you please share a dental experience, anyway, so Flan has something interesting to read while in the chair today to face this ALL OVER AGAIN?!

Comments

[Flannista]

I wrote this post yesterday afternoon, shortly after returning from the dentist. At the time, I chose a rather light-hearted approach -- I mean, when is going to the dentist ever fun? Why not lighten up the process a bit?

It did not hit me until after I had written the post how much -- over the past five months -- my body had been expressing the anger and grief my heart could not. Anger and grief about unresolved blood family issues and losing Isaac. Dentists have a method of measuring gum damage. In October my measurements had all been between "2 and 3." In just five months, the measurements had increased to "7 and 8". Profound grinding of teeth.

In the Bible, it is referred to as the "gnashing of teeth": " . . . the heirs of the kingdom will be thrown into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 8:12).

I knew that I had been grieving in a much different way than I had in the past. I was more silent. Matissta noticed this all the time. I seldom said much of anything. Or down right cried. I just sat in my reading chair, whimpering a bit, my mouth shut.

All to say, grief has a life of its own and will find its way.

By god, it will find its way.

[Flannista]

A quote from Aeschylus, much beloved by Robert F. Kennedy:

"God, whose law it is that he who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against out will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."

What wisdom have you learned this way? Please share, if you can.

Love to all.

[treesta]

Do I grind my teeth? I personally have paid for several years of my dentist's children's private school tuition. Or a good portion of the mercedes that is parked outside his office. Take your pick. The first year I was treated, I returned to the dentist after many years of avoiding dental treatment. I had managed to do so because I have really hard teeth -- rarely get cavities. By the time the pain forced the trip, I needed my four wisdom teeth pulled, two root canals, and that tooth guard you're gonna spend a grand for, Flannista. After visiting the dentisit on a monthly basis for well over a year, my teeth were properly realigned . . . .

until I became a principal. The first year as principal I ground my teeth so badly that I broke -- not cracked mind you -- broke three teeth in the first three months. Another year of monthly visits. My dentist and I are on a first-name basis. He knows the names of all my family members. I know his. His two little girls are really cute. Now I am grieving my mother's death. I try to remind myself to go ahead and cry. It's less expensive.

[Flannista]

treesta: my first thought after reading this was quite selfish: ANOTHER GRAND FOR THE DAMN MOUTH GUARD?

I know that you are grieving Julia's death, treesta. I thought about you a lot after writing this post and letting the reality of my unexpressed anger and grief sink in. I honestly had no idea that I was grinding my teeth. Matissta asked me a couple of times ever since that tooth began to ache if I was . . . I never had before so I quickly dismissed it. Then about six weeks ago, my massage therapist noticed this tightening of every muscle associated with my jaw. "Why are you clenching your teeth so much?" she asked. I told her that I wasn't aware that I was doing it.

I'm afraid if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop. I also spend most of my time alone. Alone. I start to cry and then pull up, kind of laughing at myself. Hearing a bit of the voice of the bad mother inside me, "Stop feeling so sorry for yourself." I take out a book or insert a DVD and stuff it.

Pretend.

Hide.

[Flannista]

treesta -- I know that you probably won't have any time to comment on this, but why did being a principal make you grind your teeth so much? What specifically made you angry, sad, helpless? Was it seeing up close and personal how much the kids are hurting, hiding their own unexpressed anger and grief?

[Flannista]

treesta -- just returned from FaceBook, where, for the life of me, I have no idea what to do, but somehow managed to find your comment about the Adult Forum DCsistah and I led this past Sunday in church. Thank you . . . but the real reason I'm commenting is because I noticed this quote on one of your pages/comments/whatever those pages are. I hope you don't mind if I copy and paste it here:

"In a society which is much more inclined to help you hide your pain than to grow through it, it is necessary to make a very conscious effort to mourn." Henri Nouwen

I've read a lot of Nouwen, and probably this quote at some point over the years. It's nice to be reminded of it now.

[treesta]

Hi, Flan. I'm gonna be a little late this morning, because I can't leave this without responding.

First, I have to say that the kids didn't break my teeth. Kids do have unexpressed anger and grief, but it invariably comes out -- on the playground, in the cafeteria, or in the classroom when a teacher reprimands them and they explode. I worry about my babies. I worry about the baby whose daddy died in November. I worry about the baby who took his little brother and foster brother and tried to walk to DC because he wanted to see his biological mother. I worry about Trevor. But they are what I'm here for.

For me, the grinding came when I walked into my brand new school and sat down at my empty desk -- no computer, no phones, no paper clips or pencils. No checkbook, no tax ID number, no secretary. I was a brand new principal assigned to a brand new school. It was June 17th. School was opening the second week of August. I had no teachers. I had furniture that had to be assembled and put in rooms. I had hundreds of thousands of textbooks that sat in boxes, needing to be numbered, stamped, inventoried, and stored. The boxes filled the multi-purpose room from the floor up about twelve feet from wall to wall. I had a budget in the major hundreds of thousands of dollars and it was up to me to spend it wisely. I didn't even know how to order supplies in the computer system. It was me and the building superintendent. And I had to open that building and make it a functioning school in 7 weeks.

I had the biggest case of . . . "Oh my god, they think I know what I'm doing and now they're gonna find out who I really am..... I AM F*&***D!" ...

My fears of failure were in my face and laying on my shoulders like never before. I worked 90-hour weeks from that day in June well through the next spring. Didn't take a day off, including Saturdays and Sundays, until Christmas break. That's why I was grinding my teeth. I'll talk about the kids later on . . . .

Gotta run . . . check in later tonight.

[DCsistah]

ON GRIEF
"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break."
-- Shakespeare

"In a society which is much more inclined to help you hide your pain than to grow through it, it is necessary to make a very conscious effort to mourn." -- Henri Nouwen

"What I’ve discovered . . . is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it . . . I’m pretty sure that only by experiencing that ocean of sadness in a naked and immediate way do we come to be healed—which is to say, that we come to experience life with a real sense of presence and spaciousness and peace." -- Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies

It is too late to start
For destinations not of the heart
I must stay here with my hurt.
-- RS Thomas, from "Here"

"It's possible I am pushing through solid rock in flintlike layers, as the ore lies, alone; I am such a long way in I see no way through, and no space: everything is close to my face, and everything close to my face is stone. I don't have much knowledge yet in grief so this massive darkness makes me small.

"You be the master: make yourself fierce, break in: then your great transforming will happen to me, and my great grief cry will happen to you." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

"Your pain, seen in the light of a spiritual journey, can be interpreted. The great art is to gradually trust that life's interruptions are the places where you are being molded into the person you are called to be. Interruptions are not disruptions of your way to holiness, but rather are places where you are being molded and formed into the person God calls you to be. You know you are living a grateful life when whatever happens is received as an invitation to deepen your heart, to strengthen your love, and to broaden your hope. You are living a grateful life when something is taken away from you that you thought was so important and you find yourself willing to say, 'Maybe I'm being invited to a deeper way of living.'" -- Henri Nouwen

Hey Flannista, DCsistah here. I collect quotes. Started doing that when i was an oncology social worker and was immersed for years in people's anticipatory grief, and then the deeper grief, that comes with the loss that cancer insists upon.

I have more quotes than even these, but i don't want to inundate you. The first one is the most important idea: Give sorrow words. And so you are doing. I'm glad you are.

I went to an all-day workshop on grief about 2 years ago. i'd hoped to get some insight into my now ex-girlfriend's overwhelming grief over the loss of her children, (they were moved 2,000 miles away by her ex-partner). I knew that my ex's grief connected up with so many other griefs in her past, the first grief being over her sister, who died when my ex was 10 and the sister was 14. Of leukemia.

And what i heard that day was that there is no use for the word "still", as in, "still grieving." It's inappropriate. Because there is always grief and it never goes away, completely. That people who are grieving need to do it in their way and timing, and there's no rushing or cajoling or distracting. The only way out is through.

We did talk a bit about "pathological grief" that day, but the talk wasn't of how good grief becomes bad grief. there was a respect for the grieving process, and a respect for counseling that can help the grieving person identify just what all is being grieved. the sense of deprivation.

People do tire of hearing about the grief of another person. My ex knows this and fears that people tire of her. You might feel the same way at times. I think the crying might do you good though if you let yourself do it. You'll stop eventually. Your nose and eyes will be very red, and you'll wonder how one body can create so much snot, and you might have a headache. at which point, i'd have an aspirin and a tall glass of water, then take a nap.

hopefully you'll feel much better afterwards.

lather, rinse, repeat, as often as necessary. with no apologies to anyone.

rent sad movies. have a cry fest. seriously.

for as long as you need to. for the rest of your life.

and the space between deep wells of grief will grow longer. they will. its only been, what, 4 months?

i hope today's dental adventures don't hurt, and i'm glad you've got a good dentist. i see mine for the first time in about 8 months, on friday. and yes i grind my teeth, and paid for a thousand dollar tooth guard, and don't wear it.

love to all,
DC

[Westsista]

Do you think this is why small children bite when they get upset or angry? I never went through a biting phase as a child, so now sometimes I get the urge to bite someone. Think about that next time you're in a meeting and some idiot is droning on and on about something to try to appear important. Imagine you're in kindergarten and you can just chomp on them at will. I never actually do it but sometimes . . . well, sometimes little kids get it right. Better than lots of trips to the dentist.

This will probably sound weird, but here's an area where it was really helpful to grow up as a fundamentalist. Worshipping God was a very loud and emotional thing. Crying wasn't looked down on, and in fact was encouraged.

Even better, my father was very emotional and I often saw him crying as an emotional expression of his love of God, of his children, of my mother, of his family, of his Masonic brothers, of his friends, etc., plus I saw him crying in sadness or grief. The idea that tears are a sign of weakness is completely absurd to me. I know I'm very lucky to have grown up with this perspective on showing emotion. Healthy. I don't enjoy doing a lot of crying, but I don't torture myself too much about it either. Better out than inside, where tears turn to glass.

Flann, I just hate it that you're holding your grief inside. Go yell at someone who deserves it! Write nasty letters to the ill-informed, obnoxious and mean! Get rid of all that toxic waste!

[Flannista]

West -- maybe I need one of those NASA processors to cleanse and recycle all the piss and vinegar inside me so it comes out all sweetness and light.

I never thought about biting and children and that does make a lot of sense. And there's been plenty a corporate meeting when I've wanted to bite the self-serving presenter . . . if not him/her, then myself just to get through the thing.

Not much crying and weeping was tolerated in my childhood home. I remember seeing my father cry just once. Maybe my mother once. I've seen my father cry more in the last decade than the first four decades of my life.

Thanks for championing my grief, West.

DC -- another missive from you that is WAY better than anything the Apostle Paul ever wrote. I've read through it a couple of times, grateful that it will always be here as a reference.

It will be four months on April 10th that Isaac left this sweet world, but his leaving tapped into wellsprings of childhood anger and grief I thought had been expressed bone dry years ago. It has taken me off guard. I'm still off kilter. Off my game.

Feels off-full.

DC: wear your mouth guard, sweetie. You've told us any number of times that the bad is going to continue to come. Might as well stave off the damage it does to your teeth. Besides, I can't bear the thought of you not being able to express yourself.

[Jerseysista]

I grind my teeth. The grinding caused TMJD to the point that my jaw would lock in either an open or shut position when I was trying to chew my meals. I ended up with a night guard for a remedy. I used it for ten years until this past Fall when the crack in it finally split the whole thing in half. I guess it was better than my teeth splitting or my jaw entirely locking. I haven't gotten a new one yet.

TMJD: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temporomandibular_joint_disorder

[Flannista]

Good Lord, Jersey. So sorry.

Did you ever figure out what caused you to grind your teeth?

What hit me so hard yesterday was not learning that I had been grinding my teeth so hard, but that it was related to unexpressed anger and grief. Really, it took me by surprise. I thought I had been doing rather well -- you know, being an adult about it. Keeping it to myself. Reaching out. That whole "adult" thing. I never fathomed that my body would take its own course. I'd heard about such things, but thought I'd had enough therapy, had read enough scripture and poetry, prayed enough, looked outside myself enough. After decades of self-pity, I assumed that I was FINALLY grieving the "right" way.

So back to my question. What do you think caused you to grind your teeth to the point of causing TMJD?

[PEACEsista]

Over eight years, I taught a lot of yoga students with jaw/teeth issues. Some adults ended-up in braces to remedy their TMJD. Most of them wanted to believe that it was an issue with their teeth, but unrelated to stress in their lives.

I learned about this kind of jaw tension caused by stress when my dad was diagnosed with stage three Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. I helped and supported him and my mother for the next nine months, until his death, going back and forth from Cheyenne to Chicago, missing a lot of my twin sons senior year in high school. For me, there was much more stress/mourning in watching my dad die than with his actual death. I learned to recognize the tension in my jaw. I did self-massage during the day to relieve it. The jaw can only be relaxed if the teeth are separated. I practiced during the day to be sure that my teeth were separated (not touching/upper and lower.) In the end, I did not develop any jaw/teeth complications, but I could have. I heard my sister grind her teeth at night. She had much worse teeth to start with and suffered a lot of complications at that time.

Flann, I think for you the grief has been a lot longer than four months. You also watched your beloved pet begin to fail, as I did with my father. Certainly, for both of us, the anxiety and the stress began to build way before the final moments.

So, after checking the links, even if you wear a mouth guard during the night, I would suggest that you practice all-day keeping your teeth separated to relax your jaw. Also, avoid chewing gum, which brings a lot of tension to the jaw, particularly if you are a "vigorous" chewer.

[Jerseysista]

TMJD certainly is caused by the tensing of the jaw muscles for long periods of time but my own theory is that tensing the jaw is not always because of stress. For me, I didn’t see any particularly unusual stressors that coincided with my TMJD but I did see a change in the way I slept. Around the age of 40 everything in me started to dry up: from my skin and vagina to my sinuses, eyes and my throat. I had always slept with my mouth slack-jawed but after I turned 40 I would wake up at nights and have a throat so dried out I couldn’t swallow or speak. I started to sleep with my mouth closed and I think this required unaccustomed work for the jaw muscles, doing such duty all night long. The teeth grinding and TMJD started not long after. Problem is I can’t seem to consciously revert to my slack-jaw way of sleeping, though I’ve tried.

All this just to say there may be many reasons we clench our jaws, not all of which are stress-related. Flann, you may want to cut yourself some slack and look to see if there are other reasons you clench your jaw. I think you have been doing well in letting your feelings come to the surface.

[Flannista]

Thanks, Peace and Jersey. More later.

In what is a Sassistas! first, I'm respondiing from the dental chair!

All I can mumble is: YEEOW!!!

[Ari Maz]

I'm too lazy to read all the comments already posted, so forgive me if someone already said something similar.

But the kind of cool thing about your particular dentist visit is, it's a testament to how our bodies are so friggin' amazing!!! like, without you even knowing it, your body told you that it was hurting (mentally). and it sucks you had to find out so suddenly and in a shitty expensive way, but at least you found out.

and i too am w/o dental insurance . . . so ive been flossing and trying to keep those babies as clean as possible. so it would be really shitty for me too if something expensive dentist wise came up, since ive been trying so hard to maintain them at optimum health lol

[Chrysosistah]

Oh, yeah, I grind my teeth. Actually, more like clench them really hard.

I've worn a nighttime guard religiously for probably 10 years now, I'll never not need it. I'll wear it during the day working on the computer if I notice I'm clenching. PEACE is right, you also need to constantly monitor your stress level and keep your jaws apart & relaxed during the daytime as well. I wore that guard day & night when I first got it, until I finally started leaving my jaws apart during the daytime.

My dentist feels it's a combination of issues -- my teeth aren't in alignment, so your body/brain works to make them align; I have a lot of stress and muffled anger from childhood -- that doesn't help either. I am also an inveterate nail-biter (stress again) and that was what drove me to the dentist. I was biting a nail and part of my front tooth literally crumbled in my mouth. Boy, that was horrifying, as teeth-related accidents were one of my childhood bugaboos. Trotted straight to the dentist, he fixed the broken area and decided I needed a tooth guard straight away. Yep, mine's a very expensive device, but it has also saved me from how-knows-how-many crowns, cavities and other stress fractures. I also have very large "tori", harmless bony growths on both the upper & lower jaws related to the clenching. The only time they are annoying is when the dentists needs to take x-rays, as the mouth portion of the x-ray plate always cuts & hurts the skin over the tori.

That device also goes with me to the dentist every 6 months for adjustment (he smoothes off all the tracks & grooves my teeth have cut). He's had to rebuild it twice now, I think.

A friend was just reminding me last night that depression is simply anger turned inward, and that I need to work mine out as well. *sigh* Never easy, is it, being the "adult" in the situation, and not the biting, screaming child?

I was a serious biter too, in elementary school. Even then, my words would fail me in stressful situations and childhood fights, but I wanted to retaliate, so I was physical about it.

[PEACEsista]

Yes, Jersey, you are right. Clenching the jaw can just be a habit that is unrelated to stress. My son, Andy, was a fierce sports competitor in high school. He loved chewing gum and also had a habit of clenching his teeth together really hard without gum. I could see his jaw muscles working. He still has this habit (and a nice square jaw from those strong muscles.) He has not manifested teeth/jaw problems yet, but he's only in his twenties.

[Flannista]

Well, I'm back. All in one piece, though I can't feel the lower right side of my face and the Diet Snapple poured out of that side when I took a swig.

I read Jersey's comment while at the dentist and the first thing I did when I walked into the house was pull out my dog-eared copy of The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup. No listings for "teeth" or "gums" in the index. Sigh. I'm certain my teeth grinding is also related to menopause. My oldest sister's anxiety attacks kicked in big time with menopause. I don't know what to make of the fact that five months ago my dentist pronounced my gums, etc. as "excellent" after that fancy-schmancy measuring or whatever. He was stunned by how much they had deteriorated since then . . . and I hadn't changed my flossing habits. I'm a religious flosser. Ask Matiss.

Doesn't really matter, actually. It's helped just to get other perspectives, from what PEACE experienced during her father's last days to Chryso's life-long struggle. Wow, Chryso -- thanks for putting in so many details, because this all makes me feel a lot less crazy. Really, it does.

Ari -- welcome to the sassosphere. Sorry you don't have dental insurance. Sucks. Just a heads up: when you don't read the comment feed at Sassistas! you miss the best and richest and wisest part of Sassistas!

Keep flossing those babies.

[Matissta]

I too have experienced TMJ and the locking of my jaw. It has since gone away, because it was due to stress. Also as PEACE suggested, I don't chew gum as much.

I have witnessed Flann's grief firsthand. There is no doubt in my mind that this is caused by her grief and stress over the past few months. As she mentioned, five months ago her teeth were in excellent condition. She has STILL not allowed herself to have good solid cries. DC is right, she needs to let these happen. Suppressing her feelings isn't healthy, obviously.

I love Ari's comment "...your body told you that it was hurting (mentally)." It is amazing how stress shows up on our bodies. (BTW, welcome Ari.)

I heard a promotional clip for a story on NPR the other day. It had to do exactly with this topic. An interview with a dentist, who said he and his colleagues are seeing more TMJ and cracked teeth than ever due to stress, but for most it's the economy.

PEACE, you have to teach us all how to massage our jaws. I didn't know such a thing was possible!

[Chrysosistah]

Glad to know it helps, Flannista. By the way, the post title today was very cute! ;-)

I've actually had a masseuse work on my head, neck & jaw - even rubbed the muscles from the inside of my mouth. It did help...I don't get the muscle cramps & headaches I used to get.

[Flannista]

Chryso -- come on over here so I can give ya a big wet one because I KNOW you must have groaned when you read the title of this post.

Jersey knows I just can't help myself with the punning. Yeah, even talked to my therapist about it. About months of work about my ubiquitous punning, she asked me if I FINALLY understand the symptoms that led to such frequent bad puns. I replied, "Symptoms I do and symptoms I don't."

Uh-oh -- I'm clenching my teeth! Jersey is for sure!!!!

We both need that masseuse you worked with, Chryso!!!!

[Jerseysista]

It's only the bad puns that cause pain. Here is a good one by Richard Whately, Archbishop of Dublin: “Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there. But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.”

I lifted the above from a NY Times article from this past Sunday. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/28/opinion/28Tartakovsky.html?_r=1&partner=rss&emc=rss

[Flannista]

Well, alright then, Jersey, if you're going to be noble and admit where you lifted your pun, I confess that I lifted the "symptoms" one from a Peter DeVries short story.

Ya gonna PUNish me?

[Matissta]

PLEAZZZEEE, stop the insanity!