It's been a while, but time once again for, "Rant on, Matissta!"
Matissta here. Two words: INTERNET CONNECTION. Two more words: RANT ON!
Been years since I had an internet connection. So long ago, it was dial-up. But I got the new kick-ass MAC and wanted the kick-ass, lightening speed internet service to go with it. Did my homework. Called Verizon and Comcast.
Verizon offered a DSL package with free modem. Price was a bargain compared to Comcast, as the cost of its lowest package cable service was double Verizon's, plus I had to pay a monthly fee for the modem. I went with Verizon.
Got the self-install package in the mail. Installation seemed straightforward until I began installation. Two hours later, I gave up. Called Jerseysista (kind of a whiz at these things) and she came over. Two hours later, she gave up. We decided to call for assistance. The helpline had shut down 10 minutes earlier.
Called the next day when the helpline opened. A recorded voice told me I can solve my installation problem by going to the Verizon site . . . on the internet.
Finally got through to Ricardo. He gave me steps that weren't included in the self-installation package. "Why didn't I know these steps?" I asked Ricardo. Ricardo said, "You have to call to get them." "It doesn't say to call in the self-installation package," I replied.
Ricardo said nothing.
Finally, I'm connected, but the signal is so weak, it keeps going out. I call Verizon's recorded voice. By now, we're engaged. Eventually a breathing human tells me that a Verizon technician must examine the line. I make an appointment. Take half a day off. Technician comes, looks at the box, the lines, the clouds in the sky. Tells me, "There's no way you're going to get a stronger connection with these old lines."
"I asked that question when I signed up for Verizon," I said. "I was told I could get a stronger connection."
"Won't happen," he said.
Didn't happen.
Solution? One word: COMCAST.
Please share your rants about internet connections and service or lack thereof.
FIVE WORDS: Rant on more often, Matissta!
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 05:18 AM
Matiss -- your writing voice reminds me a lot of nowayasista's writing voice. Bet he would have thrown hands at that recorded Verizon voice.
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 05:26 AM
The B.S. we go through for the internuts. Good post Matiss, I have shared in this nonsense. I too have been told to look it up on-line. No shit, batman, be happy to if your damned system worked.
Posted by: nowayasista | October 09, 2009 at 07:37 AM
I feel sure there's a corporate-speak word for that kind of loop-the-loop insanity, just can't recall it. Laughed out loud, in spite of myself, when I read the bit about looking up the solution on the net. Honestly, what are they THINKING?
Thank the Internet gods, we are on Roadrunner internet thru Brighthouse (legacy Time Warner cable) and generally have no issues. I certainly couldn't work from home without dependable fast service, that's for sure.
Hope Comcast is providing kickass service for the kickass bill. Otherwise, borrow Flannista's cool boots and kick some ass! ;-)
Posted by: Chrysosistah | October 09, 2009 at 07:51 AM
By the way, LOVE it when you rant, Matissta! "We're engaged" and "clouds in the sky" were hilarious!
Posted by: Chrysosistah | October 09, 2009 at 07:53 AM
Glad to offer my boots for kicking ass anytime, Chryso, though generally I don't need to have them on when I kick ass.
noway: another three-word assessment, hardly about anything literary, but when it comes to internet service this does seem to sum it up: NO SHIT, BATMAN. Also like the word, "internuts."
Speaking of internuts, while watching Matissta's rage and despair at Verizon from afar (because I was too afraid to get close to her), I decided to check what speed I was getting for what I was paying Verizon for DSL. It registered .50. I was paying for 3.0. (I have no idea what these numbers mean.) So I called Verizon and spoke to about four people in India (honestly, I'm not stupid) over the course of 43 minutes and 16 seconds during which a lot of troubleshooting was happening, but then someone asked if I was using Windows or MAC.
"I called the MAC helpline," I responded.
"This is the Windows helpline."
"Why did I get Windows when I called MAC?"
"He's currently busy."
"You have ONE person on the MAC helpline?"
"Yes."
"For the ENTIRE WORLD?" I asked.
"No, ma'am. Just right now."
"How soon will he be available?" I pressed.
"I can have him call you."
"I've been on now for 45 minutes. I'm not going to wait another two hours or two days or two weeks for him to call me back. How many other people does he have to call back?"
"I don't know ma'am."
I did not get off the line. The MAC expert picked up about five minutes later.
"How many phones do you have in that line?" he asked.
"None. Just the router."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You getting a dial tone from that line?" he asked.
"I don't have a phone plugged in there."
"Can you plug a phone in there for me please?"
"You mean the one I'm on now? How do I do that?"
NO SHIT, BATMAN.
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 08:13 AM
Matissta, great post. I was with you at every agonizing turn especially the part about going on-line to solve my problem WHICH WAS NO INTERNET CONNECTION!!! Sorry, to yell.
I had dial-up until I bought my iMac and decided to go 20th century on internet connections. Called ATT for their package since I have phone service with them.
Got the package in the mail. Installed it per their instructions. Then the internet connection would go out after 10 seconds or 5 minutes. Appeared to be no rhyme or reason.
Called the help line. Spent 20 minutes waiting for a live person. Was told it was my electrical outlets. Moved my equipment around to different ones. No solution.
Called again. The person who finally answered the phone ran a check on my lines and told me that everything was fine. The box was working. She asked me to describe the problem. I logged on. The internet connection broke almost immediately. "It's your phone line. You need to install a phone line that can accommodate lots of data."
I had the phone cable installed. No improvement. I called back. Another system check. No resolution. I was ready to go back to dial-up.
A year later, I'm out close to a ATT phone store and I visit them to explain the problem. The young woman says, "Sounds like a defective box. Oh, you're past your warranty period. You'll need to buy a new one."
I buy a new one. Take it home, plug it in. No problems. No lost connections that aren't resolve quickly, but they rarely happen. I had a defective box in the first place. I should have pursued it.
That's one of those computer things I hate. You have computer problems and call IT. The IT person comes and says, first thing, "What did you do?"
I have had to restrain myself from saying, "IF I had known that this would happen, I would have recorded every step I took, but I thought it would work like it always has."
Dumbass!
Glad to hear you dropped Verizon before the marriage became final.
Posted by: half-a-sista | October 09, 2009 at 08:18 AM
Anyhoo, Verizon eventually decides that they need to send a technician to my house to check, as Matissta writes, "the box, the lines, the clouds in the sky."
He checked my signal. It was now 2.6. I had done nothing.
"Wow," he said. "You're getting 2.6. Most folks who pay for 3.0 don't get a signal this strong."
"So why are they paying for 3.0?" I asked.
"We don't have a category for 2.6."
"But you said were you surprised I was getting 2.6. Most people are getting, say, 2.0?"
"Oh, WAY less than that," said the technician.
"So why don't you just charge them for what they are actually getting?"
"I don't know."
"Another thing. Now I'm getting 2.6. Did somebody at Verizon juice up my service over the last week because I bitched about it?" I asked.
"I don't think so," he said.
"But maybe?"
"Yeah, maybe. But your router is ancient. Your signal is 2.6, but it's a weak 2.6."
"Moments ago, you told me my signal was strong."
"Yeah, but it's a weak strong," said the technician.
"A weak strong . . . you mean like Dick Cheney?" I asked.
The technician stares blankly. "Your router is dying. You will need a new one."
"Can Verizon provide one?"
"Not for free. And, to be frank, you don't want a Verizon router. They suck," he said.
"They're kind of weak strong?" I asked.
NO SHIT, BATMAN.
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 08:26 AM
half-a: reading your comment made me feel MUCH LESS LOONY about my actual fear of calling for internet service help. Honestly, before I call, I can feel my heart beating faster, my hands getting clammy, the hair on the back of my neck standing up.
I check to make certain my will and estate are in order. I call beloveds and tell them I love them. I confess all my sins. Clean the bathroom sink.
Then AND ONLY THEN, do I make the call.
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 08:35 AM
Flann, I prepare lunch and dinner before I get on the phone to talk to anyone at a "Help" desk because (a) it takes forever to punch in the required buttons to get to a live person who (b) takes forever to answer the phone only to say (c) "I'm going to put you on hold for a few minutes . . . nothing less than 30 minutes in my experience . . . before they return to the line with (d) the news that it is all your fault.
I have nothing against the people in India and Pakistan who operate the help lines. They need the jobs that American companies robbed Americans of to send overseas, but, for the love of heaven, hire people who can speak and understand English and can understand the cultural references of the people with whom they will deal. Too much to ask, I know.
Posted by: half-a-sista | October 09, 2009 at 08:55 AM
Sistas and mistas -- don't know about you, but it's been so cathartic to get out all my internet connection fears. I didn't realize I had so many, but now that they are emerging, something much more frightening is, too: the realization that all the woes in the world can, in fact, be traced back to bad internet service.
Stop and think about it.
Paris Hilton: Over-rated celebrity or bad internet service?
Sarah Palin: Gone rogue or bad internet service?
David Letterman: Sleezy talk show host or bad internet service?
Kim Jong-il: Wacky North Korean leader or bad internet service?
I KNOW THERE ARE MANY, MANY MORE EXAMPLES. I am only touching the tip of the iceberg. OMG!!!! Melting ice caps or bad internet service?
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 09:03 AM
half-a: I can't eat before making the call about bad internet service because of the strong likelihood that I will throw up. With my luck, on my computer keyboard. That would mean another call.
Feeling light-headed: Upset stomach or bad internet service?
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 09:07 AM
half-a-sista brings up an excellent point: why do the internet service folks ALWAYS assume that no service or interrupted service is due to something you did or did not do? What ever happened to "the customer is always right"?
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 09:21 AM
I don't know if I can actually say that I'm "happy" everyone has a story about bad internet service. It's a disgrace. Monthly charges aren't cheap, especially if you don't "bundle." That was another reason I had gone with Verizon, because I have phone service with them and they had "a deal."
I live in an old community. "Old wires," I was repeatedly told.
"OK, are you going to replace them?"
"No, but we'll send out a technician to take a look at it."
I had to deal with multiple phone calls. All of the representatives, but the last one, were in India. Each representative with a made-up name. One of my favorites was "Miss Vinny." I've never met a Miss Vinny in my life. All representatives were very polite, but unable to help. I was being charged for 7.1 Mbps service, but only receiving 1.5 and constantly got disconnected. I asked "Miss Vinny" to knock my service down to 1.5.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but because of the package you have I can only lower it to 5 Mbps."
"But the technician says I'm currently receiving 1.5, the highest at times, 2.5. My lines might be able to support 3 Mbps. Why should I pay for a speed if I'm not getting it?"
"Well, I'll have them set the speed at 5 Mbps, but charge you for 3 Mbps."
That lasted a week. Worse than ever. I canceled.
Posted by: Matissta | October 09, 2009 at 09:44 AM
half-a I laughed when you said that you "prepare lunch and dinner before" you get on the phone to talk to anyone at the Help Desk. (BTW, I like to call it the "No Help Desk.") I did the same thing. When I first called Ricardo, I had my breakfast in front of me with lots of coffee. I also had Flann take Huck to doggie daycare, which opens at 9am on Saturdays, the same time as the Help Desk.
I called at 9am on the button. And still I had to wait. Unbelievable.
And Flann, I had the same experience as you. During one of my calls, I selected "MAC" and was still directed to the "PC" person. "Let me transfer you." I was disconnected. Not the first, not the last.
Posted by: Matissta | October 09, 2009 at 09:51 AM
"I'll have them set the speed at 5 Mbps [what exactly are those things?], but charge you for 3 Mbps."
Matissta -- Miss Vindaloo said this AFTER you told her your line might not even support 3 Mbps? Why even set it for 5 Mbps? This makes no sense. Do you think her offer was on those "cheat sheets" of suggested responses to irate customers?
Unbelievable.
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 09:53 AM
Of course it's on their cheat sheets. These representatives for the most part are not technical. They just want to calm you down.
And rightfully so. I told one representative I was ready to throw the modem out the window. Obviously there was no response to that on her cheat sheet, because there was dead silence.
Posted by: Matissta | October 09, 2009 at 10:44 AM
When we decided to go to "high speed" from dial-up we also wanted to add a wireless router. We started with Verizon, who said the would mail us the router and it would be easy to install. Noway and I knew we weren't even going there having faced too many "easy-to-assemble" failed projects in our days. The sales person said she would send her junior high son over to do it for us, but we declined the offer. After the router arrived, we scheduled a service call for the installation. The technician never showed-up or called. Seeing the service handwriting on the wall, we sent the router back and contacted Bresnan.
We have had good service from Bresnan, in general, but the last time I had an interruption in service they said my signal was weak and they sent a technician. The tech determined that the signal was strong coming to my house, but got weak inside the house and said that the problem was the old wiring inside my 20+ year old house, which I should replace.
"Can you do that?" I asked.
"Nope, you'll have to hire an electrician."
I never have and the service has been fine, but I'm beginning to see with the sass-stream today that "old wiring" is a internet go-to service response used instead of "it's not our problem."
Posted by: PEACEsista | October 09, 2009 at 11:31 AM
I do like hearing Matiss rant on. I've tried to forget all the experiences I've had like these, but the worst are when you've been on hold for eternity, get transfered, and then get disconnected.
Might not be checking in again today and will be away all weekend. I'll miss everyone!
Posted by: babysis | October 09, 2009 at 11:44 AM
I had an experience this week with a company’s computerized voice response system. You know, those robotic voices that try to sound like they are having a conversation with you but are just hi-tech menu selections? I was really surprised, though, with this one. Rather than giving me choices of one-word responses that I could speak to get to the right area, it actually said “state your question” so we can direct you. I thought, “Yeah, right. This should be good.”
ROBOT (getting tired of waiting): I’m sorry. Did you respond?
ME: “Uh, do I need a primary care physician to write a prescription before I see a specialist?”
ROBOT: “Your question was in regard to prescription drugs, is that right.”
ME: “No.”
ROBOT: “Please restate your question”
ME: “Do I need to see a primary care physician before seeing a specialist?”
ROBOT: “You want to find a primary care physician in your area, is that right?”
ME (shouting): “NO!”
ROBOT: “I’m sorry. Please restate your question.”
ME (thinking maybe I can make the robot exasperated): “If I moved from New Jersey to Maryland and do not yet have a primary care physician in Maryland but need to see a specialist to continue care that I was receiving under a specialist in New Jersey, will you cover the care as long as the specialist is in your plan even if . . .”
ROBOT(not exasperated at all): “I’m sorry. Let me transfer you to one of our representatives.”
ME (shouting): "THAT'S WHAT I WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
Posted by: Jerseysista | October 09, 2009 at 12:10 PM
Wish we could send this feed to all the people who are responsible for "customer service" at these big impersonal companies...and I wish they cared....
Posted by: Chrysosistah | October 09, 2009 at 12:21 PM
PEACE, my question to the phone company is, "Why do I pay that monthly fee to cover any work that has to be done on the wires in the house then?"
babysis, you're smart to eliminate all memories of such experiences. I'm not so smart obviously.
Jersey, my pet name for you will now be "Matissta, in waiting."
Posted by: Matissta | October 09, 2009 at 12:22 PM
Matiss, I have no doubt there is different cable now than when my house was built in 1985 and I know that it was likely an electrician and not the cable TV company who wired the house in the first place. It's an easy out, pass the buck response for the technician and I think that is why we hear "it's your wiring" so often now. They didn't wire the house, so they can easily blame it as the "problem" and refuse responsibility.
Posted by: PEACEsista | October 09, 2009 at 01:12 PM
I'm of the opinion that Jersey had pretty good luck with ROBOT service until she was tainted while trying to help Matissta during that long, horrible Friday night. There are reasons why horror movies are named after that day of the week.
I also noticed that the two of you didn't mention that at the first sign of trouble, I advised you to call for assistance. That was TWO HOURS before the helpline closed for the evening.
You're welcome.
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 02:24 PM
I hear ya, PEACE.
I got a question for ROBOT BITCH. If our problem is the "old wiring" in our homes, how come whenever you test the line from wherever you are, we get this message: "My test indicates that your line is currently experiencing no problems."
Hey RB: you using OLD WIRING TO TEST MY OLD WIRING?
It's only a matter of time, sistas and mistas, until the physician that Jersey needs to see is, in fact, a robot.
NO SHIT, BATMAN.
Posted by: Flannista | October 09, 2009 at 02:28 PM