Twenty years ago today, I moved into the house I live in today. It was my first home, meaning a place I purchased and could call my own. At the time, I never expected to still be here two decades later, but here I remain, house quirks and all.
Pictured above is one of those quirks. My washer and dryer are in a small addition on the front of my home and during the winter, the water in the pipes beneath that unheated portion of the house freezes. Every January and February, I unhook the cold and hot water hoses from the back of the washer, place them in a drainage pipe with a slow drip seeping through each one. It's a hassle because it means I can't do laundry at my house, so I've had to drag my laundry to laundromats, and during the past few years, to Matissta's house. This year, however, I decided to take my chances as the weather hasn't really dipped below 20 degrees. Every morning, I've gotten up and made certain my washer water lines have been open.
This past Monday morning, the cold water line would not open. It was frozen which meant I had to take up a floor panel, remove the space insulation, then the pipe insulation, wrap one portion of the pipe with a heating pad and sit with a hair dryer aimed at another portion of the pipe. While freezing my ass off waiting for frozen pipe to open, I saw myself in the frozen pipe, the exposed floor, and the house quirks.
I always dreamed that I would live in a somewhat larger house with a garage, small piece of land (maybe a half acre) and mailbox. The house would not be huge -- perhaps 400 more square feet than the 840 I live in now -- but it would be made of stone and have a large picture window in the front, with a window seat. When you walked through the front door, there would be a place to sit and take off your boots and hang your hat. Then you would walk into one large, wide-open space. Hidden in the walls would be Murphy beds, Murphy tables, folding chairs and pull-out cupboards, drawers, refrigerator and oven to cook and pull-out video system to listen to music and/or watch movies. Also hidden would be movable panels to separate space when needed and upon which I could rotate art. The permanent walls would be floor to ceiling bookcases, with one wall for photos of beloveds. Bottom line, my home would be adaptable and open-ended, ready to change.
Ironically, I am nothing like my dream home and more like my present one, with messy insulation and stubborn, seemingly unfixable quirks. What's more, folks my age are now choosing to downsize their homes to live in small, quirky ones like mine. Recently, I shared my dream disappointments with Charlissta, who replied, "It sucks to grieve your dreams, especially when it appears that your dreams came true for others."
All to say, as I sat holding the hair dryer Monday morning, I thought a lot about pipe dreams. They really can make your heart turn cold. Grieving pipe dreams, however, somehow thaws your heart, ensuring it won't break.
Your heart hurts, but it's still open.
To preempt all of you in the sassosphere with suggestions on how to deal with the pipes freezing . . . the Coop plumbers have tried EVERYTHING short of heating tape which is fobidden in the Coop by-laws. Unhooking the hoses is the only solution that has prevented the pipes from freezing.
Also, I am grateful to have a home that is paid for during a time when others have no home at all.
The point of this post is grieving your dreams. You've all had dreams for your life (however unrealistic) that did not come true. What have they been?
On the other hand, what dreams came true that you never expected?
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 06:21 AM
Adding to the poignancy of this post for me is this story:
About 15 years ago, during an unguarded moment while walking a Florida beach, I asked my parents what was the one piece of wisdom life had taught them that they would want their daughters never to forget.
Without hesitation, my father said, "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." We giggled.
Then my mother said, "Your dreams don't come true."
Period. Simple and direct. Uncharacteristically looking me right in the eyes . . . the signal not to pursue the topic any further.
What dreams did not come true for my mother? I can only speculate. Did selling the dream house she built from scratch and ALL of the contents when she was the same age I am today, then moving far, far away with my father (who quit his job) and living in a small, 18-foot mobile home with no forwarding address and/or phone for two years a way to set dreams in motion? Or to sabotage them?
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 06:38 AM
I never expected most of the good things that have come my way. I have really never been a dreamer. As a kid if people talked about what they "wanted to be" I mostly wanted to go outside. At a business meeting last week, pretty much had the same attitude. Why would coop not allow heat tape? I guess I would do it anyway and not tell the coop cops.
Posted by: nowayasista | February 05, 2010 at 07:45 AM
I could never figure out "what I wanted to be" when I was a kid - partly because all the people in the know said I could do anything I wanted to, which wasn't true and I knew it (the commonly-expected and accepted jobs of nurse, teacher or secretary didn't appeal). It was also a very turbulent time, both culturally and in the home, which didn't foster dreams for me. The only thing I think I really wanted was to be married with several children, with which no one could find any fault. So, I am married and I have my one kiddo, who is a wonderful child, and am very grateful to have both. I've learned so much from them I never would have otherwise.
Seems to me we may have discussed this sometime in the past, but I do recall the one thing I really enjoyed and did fantasize about as a child was being a singer-performer. Then I recorded myself singing at about age 12 or so and cried when I heard it play back. Knew right then I would never, ever, be a rock star. Church choir was about the extent of it. Still love music, of course, and my steering wheel is very accustomed to me singing and drumming along.
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 05, 2010 at 09:04 AM
I grew-up in a big family as the fifth out of six kids. It is the perfect place in the birth order to learn flexibility and adaptability ... there ARE a lot of plans for managing a family of eight, but the youngest children don't usually make them.
In high school I studied modern dance and wanted to attend the University of Utah to study dance and musical theater. My parents chose instead to send me to my second school, Drake University, which had no dance program at all. I did not have the confidence to strike-out on my own, to continue the pursuit of my dancing dream.
Years later, I discovered yoga, which I deeply love. When I attended yoga teacher training, I felt that I'd fulfilled that early dream, as if it wasn't supposed to be dance after all, but this other wonderful thing that I didn't know about when I was young. Dance was a foreshadowing of the future. All of our warm-ups were yoga stretches. I maintained my flexibility for years with those exercises, until I found yoga.
And so it is with me ... dreams are not so much something I create as they are something I watch unfold in my life. I pay attention to my talents and passions and put my energy there, then I wait to see what opportunities unfold. I am a co-creator of my life "fearfully and wonderfully made," as stated in Psalm 139, which also says, "In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed." Therefore, I only need to listen (which is much harder than it sounds) in order to unfold my dreams and fulfill my life's purpose.
Sorry about the pipes, Flann. Continuing with the analogy of your life and pipes, is something frozen? What needs to thaw in order to flow?
Posted by: PEACEsista | February 05, 2010 at 09:15 AM
What thoughtful comments! Such a gift on the brink of a crippling snowstorm in the Sassistas! neck of the woods. Matissta doesn't have to go to work today!
nowayasista -- the only way to use heating tapes (which I did try to do one year) is to plug them into my house from the floor panel (no outlets underneath the house) which leaves a space in the floor panel. One winter Isaac had quite a field day with mice. He also somehow got into the space which was scary, so I can't keep the floor panel open, even a crack.
I've watched you smoke a good cigar and sip good scotch, noway, looking up at that big pine tree in your yard. You looked like you were dreaming, pondering. How can you go outdoors as much as you do and not dream?
Let me go get my coffee. I'll be back to comment some more.
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 09:38 AM
Flann, noway goes outside just to BE there. He doesn't have to do or think anything. He just enjoys the moment ... and the cigar!
Posted by: PEACEsista | February 05, 2010 at 09:49 AM
PEACE -- I think what was keeping me frozen was believing that certain dreams would come true. Grieving their not coming true is the thawing process. The act of grieving helps my life to flow again so my heart doesn't feel so cold.
I don't think my mother ever grieved that her deepest dreams did not come true. She simply pretended she never had dreams. She literally abandoned the place where every Christmas she promised, "In a few years, you'll all gather around this tree and this fireplace with your kids."
There is no place to gather now and for two years, none of us really had any idea where my parents were.
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 09:54 AM
By the way, love the description of the dream home (there's no reason why you still can't pursue it!). House designing has always been a fun thing to do for both Planta & I - his are far more in-depth and detailed and very experimental - I tend to go for the colors & textures & most practical, accessible solutions.
We certainly don't plan to stay in this house, it's too large for just us, and the layout isn't ideal. One of my favorite pastimes is looking for the magazines of floor plans, esp. one that are for small spaces - love the innovative ways people design for small, multi-use spaces.
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 05, 2010 at 09:54 AM
You're right, PEACE. As I was pouring my coffee, I thought that nowayasista knows more about being a human BEING than most of us. I wish I was more like him in that regard; able to better appreciate the moment; the view right in front of me.
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 09:59 AM
NPR advises the reason y'all are getting so much snow is that we are experiencing the strongest El Nino in a decade:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=123380157&sc=fb&cc=fp
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 05, 2010 at 09:59 AM
Chryso -- I want to buy you a Mr. Mike (microphone) so you can sing to your heart's delight! I always wanted to be a keyboard player in a rock band. Between you and me -- and actually Beth has a beautiful voice -- we could start our own band! I love the thought of that! We could call it "Pipe Dreams"!
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 10:04 AM
I'm in!! ;-) With today's recording technology, bet we would sound MAHvelous!! (but you can keep Mr. Mike, thanks ;-p)
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 05, 2010 at 10:06 AM
Damn, Flannista, I guess your parents really took that message, "get lost", to heart?? Definitely odd birds, no doubt about it...
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 05, 2010 at 10:09 AM
Chryso -- thanks for affirming my idea of a dream house. I would like to live in a place like that (with Matissta), but honestly don't know how we can afford it. Here's one of my favorite books -- I've gotten a lot of my ideas a about houses from it:
http://www.amazon.com/Book-Small-House-Designs-Award-Winning/dp/1579123651/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 10:11 AM
I'm in day two of nasty cold - feel like an elephant's on my chest, and I'm scaring the dog awake when I blow my nose...
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 05, 2010 at 10:12 AM
Looks like one of those great dream books, definitely.
As far as afford, small houses are not expensive to build - the trick is to find property that fills the bill. THAT'S usually the challenge, to find a piece of land that you can develop properly, has the local amenities you need, one where ideally you can age in place. Considering you live in a two-story, it would make sense to try and find something that will fill the bill while you are young enough to enjoy the challenge!
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 05, 2010 at 10:20 AM
PEACEsista -- there is much, much wisdom in your 9:15 a.m. comment. I chose to sit with it for a bit before commenting.
Psalm 139 is one of my favorite Psalms and you cited two of my favorite verses from it. Thank you.
I'm still pondering," . . . dreams are not so much something I create as they are something I watch unfold in my life." That listening part is hard, yes, but lately, it's become easier because I've been more willing to grieve and let go of the false dreams that may have been assigned and/or ingrained in me by my parents, i.e.,"you can build your own dream home, get married, have kids and come back here every Christmas." These were false dreams, and I held onto them for a long time which meant that my real life could not unfold. At least not until I let them go and grieved that I had to let them go.
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 10:53 AM
On another note, let me step out of today's sass feed to wish PEACE much peace as she attends Suzanne's funeral today. You have shepherded your church in powerful ways this year, PEACE, especially when your collective hearts were broken. As you said earlier today, in God's book were written all the days formed for Suzanne. Surely she has risen on a brighter day.
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 11:25 AM
Flann, I love this post. I think most good writers are good at what they do because they think about the things around them and find the connections. This piece that you wrote is an example. The detail in the description of the pipes and the contrasting dream home and then the transition to the inner life are superb.
Posted by: Jerseysista | February 05, 2010 at 12:15 PM
I like what PEACE said, that dreams are not something she creates but something that unfold in her life. It seems to me this is probably at the root of Chryso's story, too. Well-intended folk in her life were instructing her to dream, but the dream needed to unfold naturally.
Posted by: Jerseysista | February 05, 2010 at 12:18 PM
I'm not sure I have dreams so much as I have wants. If a series of wants unfold into a good result, I suppose, in hind sight, it looks like a dream fulfilled. If my wants change and I make different choices along the way, maybe I should see those choices as fulfilled dreams, as well.
Posted by: Jerseysista | February 05, 2010 at 12:23 PM
I remember saying to a friend once “I am going to do great things!” I did not know what those things were going to be. I just had a sense of euphoria in the moment. That was 35 years ago. If I look back I don’t think there is anything I have done that my younger self would think qualifies as a fulfillment of that premonition. The weird thing is, I still have those moments of euphoria where all things seem possible. Those moments are not frequent but I think I would be happiest if I just had a steady diet of those premonitions regardless of whether they had been fulfilled.
Posted by: Jerseysista | February 05, 2010 at 12:39 PM
Thank you for your kind words about the writing in this piece, Jersey. It was one of those posts that sat with me for several days and then took several hours to write. The first draft had a very bleak ending which just didn't ring true, so I went back at it.
I've been thinking about what Chryso was told as a kid -- that she could be anything she wanted to be. I never heard that as a kid, and I'm wondering if that was better than being told I could be whatever I wanted to be. I grew up knowing that life was very hard, that I shouldn't waste food, never get into debt, never impose on others and treat animals with great kindness. Those are all good things to learn, but somehow they seemed circumscribed -- all lessons within the context of being a daughter and daughter only. I honestly never knew that I could be anything other than a daughter until I was kicked out of my house at 17 years of age. Looking back, that was probably a good thing.
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 12:40 PM
Jersey -- I know EXACTLY what you mean about those premonitions that give you a sense of euphoria. Interestingly, I get them most often working on Sassistas! or with Matissta or while walking the dawg . . . nothing that would fit the world's definition of a "great thing," but these ARE great things when you get right down to it.
Posted by: Flannista | February 05, 2010 at 12:47 PM