Dear Blizzard,
I would wave a white flag if I could, but I don't think you would see it. So I've decided that if you knew the impact you're having on me and my beloveds and neighborhood and city and this part of the United States, you might be a bit more gentle with us.
Now, before you get all in a huff, let me tell you what I'm thankful for. Most of us still have power. I am now genuflecting every time I turn on a light or open my refrigerator and see the glow on the spinach leaves, er, make that leaf. That's the last green thing in there. Not that I'm complaining! I still have that box of raisins that's been in there since 2002 and a couple individually-wrapped Kraft singles. I'm not starving. So all in all, I'm very grateful.
But here's the thing: even going outside nine times like I did yesterday to shovel, etc. is making me a little wacko. I saw myself in the mirror this morning and noticed that my hair was sticking straight up in a way that makes me look crazy. Normally it sticks up in a way that makes me look, well, like a poet. But that wasn't poetry staring back at me a half hour ago. I'm also kinda weepy . . . okay, I admit it, I'm LONELY. Haven't been hugged in a couple of days, and, what can I say? I'm a hugger. I've tried to find some companionship by reading the piles of books laying around my house, but I can't concentrate, as I think you're going to blow down a power line at any second. So I'm on edge.
But enough about me. Tell me a little about yourself. I read this morning that it will be a:
. . . bright day due to sunny skies and a fresh blanket of snow. Winds from the northwest at 15 to 25 mph will lead to wind chills in the teens. This will lead to blowing and drifting snow in open areas resulting in low visibility.
Not a bad day all in all. Thank you. But then I read that you may be visiting us again on President's Day:
A vigorous disturbance (or clipper) diving south on the polar jet stream will likely pass just to our south. This will place it in a favorable position to produce a period of snow over the metro region Monday afternoon and/or night.
Say it ain't snow. Please. Work with me, will you? We're all miserable. Please don't make me beg. I can hear you right outside my window. You've stayed long enough. Now I'm politely asking you to leave.
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. If you don't cooperate, nowayasista is SO going to throw hands.
Dear Blizzard,
I got carried away a bit at the end of my post. So sorry.
I did want to acknowledge how special you are. You broke the record for snowfall here in the Nation's Capitol. The previous record was 54.4 inches during the winter of 1898-99. Snow far, we've had 55.6 inches. That's quite impressive!
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista is SO going to kick your ass.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 06:28 AM
You said it, Flan. The thought of going out and helping to dig out the entire street AGAIN has me pretty crazy. And I'm beginning to worry a bit about my house in Edgewater. I paid the young man next door to keep the snow shoveled away from the heat pump, but I'd really like to get there to check everything out. But even if I could get shoveled out today, if I dared leave I would NEVER find a parking space to get back here. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh....
Posted by: treesta | February 11, 2010 at 06:29 AM
And yes, Flan, the record is impressive. No need to go ANY further. Done. NO MORE ON MONDAY, PLEEEEEEZZZZZZ......
Posted by: treesta | February 11, 2010 at 06:31 AM
Dear Blizzard,
I hope you read treesta's comment. She has a serious concern here about the heat pump at her Edgewater home. But if she leaves her home, she won't find another parking space until May. Any suggestions for her?
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista is SO going to smack you upside the head.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 06:33 AM
Dear Blizzard,
Just saw treesta's 6:31 a.m. comment. She doesn't sound so good, does she? What should she do? You can tell me. We know you aren't shy . . . .
treesta, Bliz says pour yourself a drink. Thanks B! Think I'll pour myself one, too!
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista would NEVER pour a drink for you.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 06:36 AM
Dear Blizzard,
I just read that a local man lost a finger in a snow blower. That was a shitty thing for you to do.
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. Guess what finger nowayasista is flipping for you?
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 06:40 AM
Dear Old Man Weather,
Flannista is limiting her plea to the Blizzard who just visited us. I'm coming directly to you to beg. I understand that Punxatawney Phil popped his little furry head up and saw his shadow. I realize that the ensuing tradition claims six more weeks of winter. But, really. We've had enough winter for the next decade.
I'm on my knees here. Not asking much. Just seasonable weather. You know, typical Washington January weather - mid-40's, a little dreary. I'm not even asking for the occasional January day we have when it feels like spring is on the way. Just NO MORE SNOW.
Please.
Pretty Please.
Most Sincerely,
Treesta
Posted by: treesta | February 11, 2010 at 06:42 AM
Dear Old Man Weather,
I did hear that some poor store clerk left the Tenleytown Safeway and forgot to lock the doors. I can understand that. Really I can. The wonderful thing was that a few folks continued to shop, and even left their money at the cash register.
Most people are pretty honest Joe's, don't you think?
I'm sure we'll chat again today,
Treesta
Posted by: treesta | February 11, 2010 at 06:48 AM
Dear Blizzard,
I hope you're impressed with treesta's letter to your Old Man as he is snover your head, isn't he? Kind of the way God is over Jesus. Is that who you think you are, by the way? Jesus Christ? Well, you aren't. I often ask myself what would Jesus do, and I don't think he'd cripple an entire region for a week without some miracle at the end.
So take a good hard look at treesta's plea. She's begging your Old Man. Like the widow and the judge in the New Testament. She doesn't want much. Only what is seasonable.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista would never beg you for anything, you schlub.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 06:51 AM
Dear Blizzard,
See treesta's second letter to your Old Man? The one in which she shares how most people are pretty honest Joe's? You know, with beating hearts?
Where's your heart?
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista would not call himself a pretty honest Joe; just an honest Joe.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 06:54 AM
Dear Old Man Weather,
I don't mind begging. Groveling, even. Whatever it takes. Just no more snow. That in itself would be miracle enough for me.
Pleading here,
Treesta
Posted by: treesta | February 11, 2010 at 06:58 AM
Dear Old Man Weather,
I'm getting dressed now. In my sno'tire. Going out to meet you face to face. To shake my shovel in your face. Damn you, man, I refuse to succumb. Refuse, I say. Yes, I hear you howling outside the window. But I WILL survive. Do you hear me Man? DO YOU HEAR ME?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA,
Treesta
Posted by: treesta | February 11, 2010 at 07:13 AM
Dear Blizzard,
I, too, just returned from going outside. It's pretty cold and windy out there. About 20 degrees. Started up my car for the first time since Sunday. Not like I'm going anywhere, though. The thought that I might go somewhere in, say, April, was lovely. Thank you very much.
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. Once nowayasista gets a hold of you, Bliz, you're going down, all the way to Chinatown.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 07:44 AM
Dear Blizzard,
I didn't get a newspaper delivery today. Got one yesterday, but none today. Still haven't gotten mail. Some art I purchased last month was supposed to arrive yesterday afternoon, but it didn't. Perhaps it's stuck in Butte or Cleveland or Timbuktu. Anyhoo, the headline on WashingtonPost.com is:
HOWLING BLIZZARD DEEPENS THE MISERY
Must make you feel real good to get all this press. Congrats.
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista howls only for PEACEsista. He's got some taste. Can't say the same for you.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 07:48 AM
Dear Blizzard,
Hope we hear from treesta again.
As you can see from the above image opening this post, I had a new bed buddy who's been keeping me warm at nights; helping me to make my own mark, blah, blah, blah. Today, however, I decided that Mr. Mark had to finally meet you. Guess what, Bliz? My bed buddy is coping quite well outside:
http://www.sassistas.com/sassistas_our_dish_on_the/2010/11/swallow_this.jpg
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista has a FABulous bed buddy.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 08:35 AM
Hey You, Bliz
Ok so you proved you are a big shot once again. Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, so maybe one more round on Monday. But you know what? They toughed it out and took all you could give. I guess you were just trying to give equal opportunity to all with this one. Now back off buckwheat and if you need to show your stuff again, we can take another round out here. The sun is coming out soon and everything you carried in is going to melt away. You have no staying power. You can make a lot of noise, but in the end... nada. zip. An evaporating puddle.
Posted by: nowayasista | February 11, 2010 at 08:38 AM
Dear Bliz:
Take THAT, you evaporating puddle!
Don't say I didn't warn you about nowayasista. No way you can bury noway. No way.
And guess what? The sun really did start to shine as soon as nowayasista verbally smacked you around a bit. He didn't even have to go outside. He was able to do it in the comfort of his home. No imagining what he'll do once he goes mano-a-mano with you.
So back off, buckwheat. I can't even stand to look at you anymore.
Sincerely, Flannista
P.S. nowayasista ain't afraid to stare you down, you drip.
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 08:51 AM
Dear Flann,
We have blue skies and sunshine here today, which is enough reason to smile, but your post (not to mention your compliments) brought a big wide grin!
Noway asked last night if we should maybe be meeting you and Matiss someplace warm for a get-away vacation. Of course, I'm thinking that you can probably hardly wait to get your car away from it's parking space ... even though you hate to drive. A drive across town might just feel like a get-away vacation to you!
With love & a bear hug (the warm hibernating kind with no hurry),
PEACE
Posted by: PEACEsista | February 11, 2010 at 09:28 AM
Blizman,
I knew we'd meet again.
I loved you as a child. I couldn't wait to see you, experience you. The longer you stayed, the more I loved you. I have so many fond memories of the times we'd spent together.
But that was then. As I got older, we grew apart. It wasn't you, it was me. I feel that you began to smother me. Limit me from meeting others and getting out into the world. I don't like to be confined; you're just the opposite. I didn't want to change you; please don't try to change me.
Please Blizman, you can't capture something that once was; something that once existed. Please leave now, while you still have your dignity and I still have those wonderful memories. It will never be the same. I'm sorry.
I'm sure our paths will cross again.
Until then,
Matissta
Posted by: Matissta | February 11, 2010 at 09:31 AM
Dear PEACEsista,
Matissta lost her internet connection right after posting her letter to the BlizMan. I swear, the Bliz is such an ass.
Anyhoo, we would LOVE to join you and nowayasista someplace warm for a get-away vacation. Let's talk more about that. Seriously.
In the mean time, Matissta and I had scheduled a Valentine's getaway at our favorite get-away place, Shepherdstown, West Virginia for Saturday and Sunday. The innkeeper called me yesterday and said she would understand if we cancelled as they have about 40 inches of snow there. Also, we would have to take a different route to get there, etc. and once we got there, we would not be able to park in town, etc. Didn't sound promising.
But you know what? Matissta and I are going, goddammit!
BlizMan? We spit in your face!
We'll keep you posted, PEACE.
Thanks for the love and bear hug. Man, I miss your hugs.
Much love,
Flannista
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 09:48 AM
Dear Matissta --
Don't know when you'll be able to read this. Just wanted you to know that your 9:31 a.m. letter to Blizman was brilliant. I laughed so hard right out loud. Felt great. It was sassterful. Thank you.
Hope our paths cross again.
I love you,
Flannista
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 09:50 AM
Dear BlizMan,
Matissta and Huckleberry walked over to my house about an hour ago. That's right, you airhead, walked right on over. Guess what else? Huck's tail was wagging, wagging, wagging! Yeah, he was one happy pup. Here's a video of him:
http://www.sassistas.com/sassistas_our_dish_on_the/2010/11/Huck_warmth.MOV
He also knows how to piss all over you.
Sincerely,
Flannista
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 09:58 AM
Dear Flann,
Well, I think I finally "get" Planta's aversion to moving north, because of his experience with blizzard conditions in 1977-1978. Growing up in Florida, I have always pined for the experience of seeing lots of snow, playing in snow, making snow forts & snowmen. However, now that I see with adult eyes the kind of havoc this weather is causing, I don't think I want to move that far north anymore. I'll just plan for ski trips or something and otherwise be grateful for the mild winters we get down here.
I reiterate the open door invite to any and all Sassistas! who want to come to Florida and get out of the cold for a while ;-)
Much love & big warm hugs-
Chryso
Posted by: Chrysosistah | February 11, 2010 at 09:59 AM
Ummm ... I'm thinking that Mattiss' internet provider is also an ass ... as it seems she's had this problem with or without the Bliz. Actually, her provider is probably happy for the Bliz, which gives them something to blame for the poor service.
Sorry, Matiss, that you've been disconnected from the sphere. You are always close to our hearts. Also, I agree that your letter to the Blizman was laugh-out-loud brilliant. Thanks for that. Bet the Bliz is patting itself on the back for fostering all this creativity!
Posted by: PEACEsista | February 11, 2010 at 10:02 AM
Dear Chryso,
Thank you for sharing what you now see with adult eyes. Hurts to grow up, my friend. I once thought that life was a bitch and then you die. Now I know that life's a bitch and then it snows.
Thanks, too for the love and big, warm hugs. I miss hugs so much.
Snow is me! Snow is me!
Much love back to you,
Flannista
Posted by: Flannista | February 11, 2010 at 10:03 AM