While watching the 2010 Winter Olympics over the weekend, the Sassistas! saw a commercial for Charmin toilet tissue that featured the tagline, "Enjoy the Go!"
You heard us.
Intrigued, we had to visit the website and discovered two fascinating videos. The first was for Charmin, "Ultra Strong" which featured the "DiamondWeave" (trademarked) texture -- to ensure "a dependable clean for your whole family." Check it out:
We then, of course, had to watch another video, this one for Charmin "Ultra Soft" which featured absorbent cushions "so you can get more out of less." Enjoy:
It's Monday. The beginning of a new week. Is nature calling you? If so, are you thinkin' that Charmin answers? Is Charmin answering Ultra Strong or Ultra Soft? Let us know and let us know why. If you need an expert opinion, please check out the Poop Report. You heard us.
Bottoms up!
Just when the Sassistas! think they have reached a new low point, they discover a competitor like The Poop Report. Did you click on that link? Can you believe it? Here is its review of "Charmin Ultra":
*****
OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION:
Like pooping on a pillow. Ultra charmin feels like a smooth warm blanket gliding over my butt. It feels very soft, almost as if it has lotion on it. Charmin Ultra's TP tears easily and effectively. This toilet paper is so soft you could wipe your ass a million times and wouldnt give you any painful rashes.
SUBJECTIVE REVIEW:
This brand does live up to its promise. Nice smooth wiping action, no dull residue =) I would buy this brand any day.
*****
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 05:10 AM
I myself prefer Scott Tissue (Extra Soft) or something. The rolls are much bigger so you don't have to change them so often.
Also, I prefer to position the TP on the roll "over" rather than "under."
What about the rest of you? What are your TP preferences and why?
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 05:12 AM
As the Academy Awards as less than a week ago, it's beyond me why neither of the above short films was nominated in the "Short Documentary" category. Note how the films were shot with TWO cameras and how the actor NEVER looks into the camera shooting from his left.
That's just poetry.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 05:52 AM
This had to originate as a kid's science fair project. If so, it wins, no shit. Oops. I don't want to hear any more about a recession or bad economic times. Any culture that can give a shit (oops) about these things has enormous wealth.
I am reminded of far-away trips where the entire notion of TP was unknown. They would not even know what this was about.
Posted by: nowayasista | March 01, 2010 at 07:22 AM
Preach it, bro.
In the summer of 1977, I spent eight weeks in Europe. We had to keep a daily journal (and were graded on them). In the back of mine, I decided to post samples of toilet paper from different countries -- much like a leaf collection I did in 8th grade -- and then I rated durability and absorbency, etc. Some bathroom in France didn't even have TP -- you just put your feet where you saw the outline of feet, grabbed a handle in front of you and then leaned back over a hole in the ground.
I recall that the TP in Germany was like wax paper. In my journal I wrote that its primary use was for "redistribution."
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 08:30 AM
The fact that the actor never looks into the camera for the close-ups bothered me as though what he was saying about the tissue wasn't true so he couldn't meet my eyes.
I used Charmin' until it clogged up my toilet. Seems my toilet felt like it was being stuffed with wet cotton. 5 a.m. is way to early to be unstopping a toilet and mopping a floor.
Posted by: half-a-sista | March 01, 2010 at 08:32 AM
Here is my preferred TP -- and I usually buy it in bulk:
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51P2E73GZNL._SL500_AA280_.jpg
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 08:33 AM
Charmin clogged your toilet, half-a?
Say it ain't so. Do you remember which Charmin TP product it was? Their products page invites viewers to "Check Out Our Bottom Line" -- "Soft. Strong. Dry. Wet. Charmin has something for everyone. Browse our toilet paper to find the roll that's right for your family."
Were you using Charmin Basic when perhaps you should have been using Charmin UltraSoft or Charmin Sensitive (which provides "a comfortable clean")?
I completely forgot how sensitive toilets can be.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 08:44 AM
Hey, sassosphere -- let's come up with names for environmentally-friendly TP that we could submit to Charmin and Scott Tissue and make MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. Keep in mind that environmentalists campaign AGAINST super-soft TP because its extra cushy fibers come from old-growth trees. So the TP really can't have much softness.
How about:
KNOTTY AND NICE
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 08:52 AM
I feel so sorry for the TP industry. How do you hype a product that deals with one of society’s taboos? Reminds me of the feminine hygiene product ads and how they danced around forbidden words. Guess the erectile dysfunction guys finally penetrated the taboo barrier and now everything “goes”.
Posted by: Jerseysista | March 01, 2010 at 09:50 AM
You feel sorry for the TP industry, Jersey? The TP industry seems to doo-doo a pretty good job of hyping its products and making us believe our butts are as valuable as our hearts.
That being said, do you have a TP preference? Just curious.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 10:05 AM
Another name for environmentally-friendly TP:
GREENPIECE
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 10:06 AM
Planta cares a LOT more about TP than I do, we have actually had debates about TP and whether it makes any difference which one we get. I see he bought an extra-soft variety last time he went to the store. I usually prefer extra strong. Wonder if it's a male/female thing?
The way they do things in other countries mystifies me still - if they lack TP, do they walk around smelly? I can't imagine it, why would anyone desire to be dirty? And besides, wouldn't a person get all rashy if they didn't clean themselves?
Posted by: Chrysosistah | March 01, 2010 at 10:13 AM
I think the pages of the Sears & Roebuck catalog work just fine.
Posted by: Jerseysista | March 01, 2010 at 10:28 AM
Well, the Poop Report is blocked by my employer. I don't know if the site has offensive language in the reviews or if they don't want us to see how badly rated the TP is here.
BTW, the Sassistas! thought that this topic was a good way for Flann to handle all the BS she's been writing for the TRM and his entourage.
To test the Ultra Strong, I would use it to see how long it would take to stop the bleeding nicks on my legs after shaving. The only problem is we'd probably start a cult following, for those who like slasher films and have leg fetishes.
Posted by: Mastissta | March 01, 2010 at 10:46 AM
How to respond . . . how to respond . . .
First, Jersey -- if you have a Sears & Roebuck catalog, that thing is now an antique and you shouldn't be wiping your butt with it. The Wall Street Journal is better, or perhaps (and I know that I shall be struck down with lightning), the book of Leviticus -- King James Version, of course.
Chryso, given that women have more . . . how shall I say this? . . . delicate wiping areas shouldn't it be the reverse at your household? You with UltraSoft and Planta with UltraStrong? Also, given your deep commitment to all things environmental, I'm a little surprised that you aren't using what I am calling, Leaves of Grass.
Explain, please.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 11:22 AM
Matissta -- your employer may have blocked Poop Report because I believe the word, "sh!t" appears, though given how many times I hear you say that word while you are at work, I'm a bit surprised your employer would block it.
Thanks for reminding the 'sphere why we published today's post. Yes, I spent the weekend with a whole lotta b.s. -- and there's no TP strong enough or disinfectant strong enough to shine up my integrity, at least not until the next time I shower, which will be in a couple of weeks.
Matiss -- "slasher films" and "leg fetishes" -- two words I don't believe I've ever heard you say or seen you write.
Explain, please.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 11:26 AM
Are the Sears & Roebuck catalog pages shiny? That would explain Jersey's preference, Flann.
Slasher films and leg fetishes. What can I say Flann, except I have secrets too.
Posted by: Mastissta | March 01, 2010 at 12:11 PM
I do think that catalog pages, for the most part, are "coated" or shiny. Based on personal experience, however, I must tell you that they do NOT absorb and actually redistribute more than they clear. Ips posto facto, Matissta, are you saying that Jersey prefers redistribution?
I have secrets, too, by the way (although everyone knows by now that I don't comb my hair), but they are not violent or sexual in any way. Makes me think I'm a pretty boring person, albeit with exquisite taste in sweethearts.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 12:20 PM
A tagline for Jersey's toilet paper:
Read it and Wipe.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 12:24 PM
Thank you Flann, now everyone thinks I'm a pervert. (BTW, I can't stand the sight of blood.)
Back to the real point of this conversation, TP. You're right about the shiny paper. I wasn't thinking clearly. You, however, seem to be an expert.
But if you wanted to "Read it and Wipe," shouldn't you use something more intellectually stimulating, like the New Yorker? It might also help stimulate more than the mind.
Posted by: Mastissta | March 01, 2010 at 12:45 PM
Hi friends. I just returned from a mindfulness weekend in Denver. I remember feeling grateful that there was toilet paper in every bathroom I used ... but I don't remember having any further thoughts or judgements about it concerning strength, softness, etc. ... though I am thinking about that now!
I remember when "recycled" toilet paper first hit the market, a friend of mine announced in a group meeting that she was going to gift it to everyone on her list for Christmas. Many faces recoiled, as the thought for many was that it would be made from recycled USED toilet paper. I think it must be more expensive to recycle paper fibers into TP and paper towels, because it still seems like a slim portion of the paper product market.
Posted by: PEACEsista | March 01, 2010 at 01:10 PM
We figured that you were on retreat, PEACEsista, as you would normally comment on a post like the one we published yesterday, which demonstrated true mindfulness.
But back to sass!
I think most folks recoil at the thought of using recycled TP because it is so grainy and uncomfortable. I'm kinda disappointed that no one else has offered any sassgestions for a recycled TP product name. How about:
PULP FRICTION
Matissta -- the thought of bodily waste sullying a New Yorker cartoon just sickens me. I didn't think you were a pervert before, but I certainly do now.
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 01:55 PM
Environmentally-friendly TP brand name:
TOUGH SHEET
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 02:39 PM
Tagline for TOUGH SHEET: "I can't believe it's not sandpaper."
Posted by: Flannista | March 01, 2010 at 02:40 PM