Et tu, Vertu?

Who wouldn't pay $13,800 for a cell phone?  Especially one with a video that sounds like an Oscar-winning epic film? Check it out (above).

When most people think about high-end phones, they imagine an iPhone encrusted in diamonds, other precious stones or crumbled Cheez-its. The phone, the operating system, the apps, the services -- they’re all the same features we regular schlubs enjoy.

But Vertu takes the luxury smartphone to the next step. Sure, it’s running Symbian and uses a Swype keyboard, but in addition to a red gold exterior on the high-end Constellation, the phone also includes around-the-clock concierge service, which you access and track via the pre-installed Concierge Live app. The service helps you get into exclusive clubs, make travel bookings, order fine wines, and even contact a dedicated security specialist.

Yeah, but can it balance your checkbook? The Sassistas! think there are LOTS OF SERVICES this phone can't begin to provide, but ought to if someone has to shell out 13,800 bucks to own one.  

Let's list what Vertu can't do.

Comments

[Flannista]

Bet it can't play Frogger, though you can probably call up someone who will play the game for you.

[Flannista]

Can this $13,800 cell phone pat its head while at the same time rubbing circles around its stomach?

I think not.

[treesta]

Can this phone get the red wine and soy sauce stains out of carpet?

Nah.

[Flannista]

EXcellent point, treesta. For $13,800 this cell phone ought to be able to RE-carpet your entire house.

[treesta]

Can this phone put the ape in apricot?

What has it got that I ain't got?

[Flannista]

Can this phone squeeze the juice out of at least a dozen limes to make three Miracle Margaritas? Can it even DRINK a Miracle Margarita?

LOSER.

[Flannista]

treesta, in response to your 5:26 a.m. question, the phone DOES run Symbian and uses a Swype keyboard. Do you?

[What in theeeee hell does "run Symbian" mean?]

[treesta]

Excellent point, Flann. The Miracle Margaritas definitely trump the Swype keyboard AND the red gold exterior.

[Flannista]

Did some research. Symbian is a mobile operating system and computing platform designed for smartphones.

ALL smartphones and not just Vertu's Constellation. So that's not a big deal. Can Vertu's Constellation SAY the word, "constellation"? I can even without a red gold exterior.

[Matissta]

Needless to say "McKayla Maroney is not impressed", http://mckaylaisnotimpressed.tumblr.com/

[Flannista]

Matissta -- those are hysTERical. Did you see the one of her with the infamous Bin Laden photo that we photoshopped for our holiday card?

http://www.sassistas.com/sassistas_our_dish_on_the/2012/10/tumblr-m8f2uaYLnB1rdpa5go1-500-jpg_142851.jpeg

[Flannista]

I just returned from the Fitness Center where I worked out for 71.5 minutes, burning more than 800 calories.

Can Vertu do that?

I think not.

[PEACEsista]

Playing in a local tennis tourney this weekend. Can Vertu give me the winning strategy?

Where in the world do you buy one of these thangs? Can't wait until I meet someone who has one ... just to see who would pay that much for a phone, especially since many of the "services" it offers would be irrelevant where I live.

[Flannista]

Hit the Vertu across the net. The opposing team will be so distracted, you'll automatically win.

Interesting question about WHERE to buy one of these thangs. Bet the person who wants one has a personal shopper who would buy it. Yeah, but can the phone PLAY TENNIS?

No way, Jose.

[Flannista]

Can y'all do me a favor and give me your opinion of the video? Seriously, would you have guessed this was a commercial for a phone or for private jet service?

[Flannista]

In the category of "I can't make up this sh!t", the code thingy had this in it when I posted my previous comment:

$3,000,000

I'm not kidding. I'm assuming that that is the monthly income of someone who can afford a Vertu Constellation.

[Matissta]

If you drop the Vertu Constellation in the toilet, can it call for help? I don't think so.

[PEACEsista]

There are Vertu stores in only 17 US cities:

http://www.vertu.com/en/help-and-support/contact-vertu/where-to-buy.aspx

Needless to say, Cheyenne, Wyoming isn't on the list and neither is Denver. The target market is clearly high-end shoppers, people who only buy the most expensive everything and also people who drive Ferraris, based on their auto-inspired collection. Don't be looking for a price list on their website. If you have to ask ... you can't afford it.

[Flannista]

Thanks for the research, PEACEsista. You've been a real research whiz the past couple of days.

I just walked Huck and picked up his plinkie. Can a Vertu phone do THAT?

[Flannista]

Matiss -- your 11:01 a.m. comment is very funny.

Can a Vertu phone make me laugh like that?

Nope.

[Flannista]

I can get a Vertu phone at the Pentagon City shopping mall. I am planning to go and asking the salesperson: "Yeah, but can it type?"

[PEACEsista]

It doesn't have to type, Flann. You can dictate to your personal concierge, who will either type it for you or find someone else who will, while at the same time making your reservations for dinner and arranging for your dry cleaning to be delivered.

[Flannista]

Yeah, but can it kiss my ass?

[PEACEsista]

I'm sure that your personal concierge will help find someone to do that, too.

Since your regular ol' i-phone has a "fart" app, I have no doubt that this fancy thang could have a "kiss my ass" app ... maybe even programmable with the image of the person whom you would request to do that! (PS: If there is no such app yet, you and Matiss could design it and make millions.)

[Flannista]

Matiss says that she has to kiss ass all the time, so we might as well make money doing it. We'll give you a percentage, PEACE. By the way, I don't think Apple will permit an app that has the word, "ass" in it. Can you think of a lovelier, more acceptable name for our app?