Details

 

Flannista was going to share the details of her Verizon FIOS installation yesterday, but thought readers of Sassistas! might bolt because hearing about those details might be like hearing about the details mentioned above.  

Flann's curious . . . have you ever been trapped in a conversation about something so boring you nearly opened a vein and/or screamed?  What was the topic?

Comments

[Flannista]

I once noticed that my mother had a CD by the Celtic Women and innocently asked, "Who are these women?" She not only made me listen to the CD; she also made me watch two 90-minute PBS concerts and a 2-hr. documentary about their "magic with music".

Kill me again.

[Flannista]

Every time TRM talks about a book he's reading, he not only says, "you have to read this!" but then makes you sit there and listen as he reads out loud huge portions that meant something to him. We talking about books with titles like:

Thrift and Thriving in America: Capitalism and Moral Order from the Puritans to the Present by Joshua J Yates and James Davison Hunter

OR

The Puritan Gift: Reclaiming the American Dram Amidst Global Financial Chaos by Kenneth Hopper and William Hopper

[Bnbsista]

Surely you are going to recount the last time you were at the Inn, trapped at the breakfast table?

[Flannista]

Actually, my beloved Bnb, I thought Matissta might want to take on sharing the details of THAT conversation. I was afraid that merely writing about them here I might open a vein and/or scream. But honestly -- that was the first conversation that came to my mind when I published this post.

All I'll post now is that that parTIcular conversation centered around two topics: the weather and insurance.

[Already, I feel something ugly rising in my gullet.]

[Bnbsista]

I wasn't witness to the conversation, so I can't attest to the topics. I can verify the sheer look of panic and helplessness in your eyes when I entered the dining room with coffee. Like the puppies in those SPCA commercials.

[Flannista]

And that is why your B&B is the favorite getaway of the Sassistas!, Bnb.

You could sense even back in the innkeepers' quarters that something terrible was unfolding in the front dining room. Girded with your cup of coffee, you bravely stepped into the room and sat in between Matissta and me. You knew that I was about to leap across the dining room table and throttle that woman, but you gently put your hand on my left thigh and said out loud, "Bed and Breakfast insurance? It's expensive." I think you hoped that that would have been the end of the topic, but it was like you had poured gasoline on a fire. Still, you held steady as I took a deep breath and excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I'll always be grateful.

[nowayasista]

Helicopter parents making a gross overdramatization over some very regular incident. People refering to their pets as "kids" or worse yet "grandbabies". And mostly any woe is me story. I would rather take castor oil.

[frida]

The Celtic think sounds just horrendous...can't stand the music.
Some remedies:
--wind the clock
--yawn and burp
--interrupt with story about gall bladder
--pull out portfolio of cute frog photos
--sympathize with long stories of new age remedies
--show off complete new wardrobe (if at home)
--explain later that you have narcolepsy

[Flannista]

What the heck are "helicopter parents", noway?

frida -- thanks for the tips, parTICular pulling out the "portfolio of cute frog photos". Damn, that's inspired.

[PEACEsista]

A few times in life, friends or relatives have shared their photos from a trip to an exotic place, only there are 7,000 of them and they have not been edited at all, so the good photos are all mixed-in with the blurry and bad ones. It is mind-numbing and sleep inducing.

Unfortunately, I have also done this to my own friends and relatives.

[Justista]

Flann: helicopter parents are parents who hover over their children at all times.

I made lunch for OLD and the Tuesday Club that meets on Friday (and is now down to 4 members) and I heard more about the prostate than I'll ever want to know. Bloody Marys helped.

[Flannista]

Yeah, PEACE, but you take GOOD and INTERESTING photos! You might want to have a back-up collection of frog photos to pull out and "interrupt" the flow of a parTICularly mind-numbing and sleep-inducing photo sharing session.

Thanks for the definition of "helicopter parents", Justista. Man, I hate those and prostate stories, too. Thank gawd I have a kick-butt Bloody Mary recipe.

[Flannista]

This past December, a TRM associate brought in a DVD of her dancing in her college performance of "The Nutcracker". Be advised: it was a very small college. There were only about 12 dancers doing ALL THE PARTS. One of the dances she was featured in was that Russian dance, and to her credit, she never fell on her butt. Of course, we had to watch that segment TWICE.

It would have been more interesting to watch Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor.

It was THAT bad. I had to watch it in her cubicle as she blocked the cubicle entrance/exit.

[Matissta]

OK, I will try to tell the story BnB mentioned. This is the abridged edition.

The last time Flann and I stayed at the B&B, there was another guest who was spending the weekend with her sister. A "girls getaway" weekend. It turns out that the guest was also a B&B owner in the state.

She obviously thought she needed to entertain us, because she monopolized EVERY TOPIC in the conversation. And no matter what topic was brought up, she took it over and made it duller than dry toast.

She just talked incessantly, about nothing.

The first conversation was about the first snow storm of the season. And while watching TV during the storm, BnB's guest recognized that the female news reporter was shooting from in front of the local ski resort, Snowshoe. The reporter went on to say that she was reporting from Snowshoe, WV.

The guest went on to explain to us that there was no Snowshoe, WV, but there was a Snowshoe Ski Resort. This apparently outraged the guest that the news reporter had not properly identified her location, because this guest went on about it for 10 MINUTES!

Every topic of conversation was as boring or dull as that and she turned it back to her. It got to the point that I and the other couple (a lovely husband and wife) started to make funny remarks. Flann had that blank stare throughout.

I know I'm not doing it justice. If I am, you would have stopped reading by now. But whenever I see any of you and you want me to tell the story, just ask. I couldn't possibly convey in writing the same boredom that Flann and I experienced that day.

Oh and btw BnB, please make sure to share with me the name of her Inn so that I never make the mistake of staying there. (Besides, I don't like to be served "family style" at an Inn, which her Inn does. Well, because "it just works for them." Another stimulating conversation we had with her. Or should I say, she had.)

[Flannista]

Matiss -- I didn't think it could be done, but you actually made this sound interesting.

This guest was SOOOOOOOOO boring, that Matiss and I now have a secret code name for people who talk to us and are as boring as she was. We call them . . . wait for it . . . :

SNOWSHOE

Then we say in our most imperious voices: "The town, not the resort!"

[Matissta]

I think you all know I like food and to cook. But I used to work with a woman whose one reason for living seemed to be preparing meals for her family.

She would talk about her weekly planning of the meals, whether or not she cooked enough to freeze it for another meal, or some new exciting recipe she tried from Good Housekeeping. It was painful.

Along the same lines, I have a neighbor who is retired and goes out to lunch with a group once a month. They tend to select chain restaurants. Most I have never eaten at so I don't know if they're good or bad, but she goes on in detail about these places like they were fine dining.

And as I listen, all I can think about is the woman who wrote this glowing review of the Grand Forks, North Dakota Olive Garden this past year.
http://www.grandforksherald.com/event/article/id/231419/

[Flannista]

Matiss -- just read the review and this is the paragraph that made me want to drop everything and go to Olive Garden ASAP:

*****
As I ate, I noticed the vases and planters with permanent flower displays on the ledges. There are several dining areas with arched doorways. And there is a fireplace that adds warmth to the decor.
*****

Did you see the photo of the reviewer? Isn't that SNOWSHOE?

[babysis]

"and yes - several black olives" did it for me! Where did you find that review, Matissta? The only thing worse I can think of were some of those Christmas letters we would get from the perfect families. My sister would always read them aloud with mock sincerity.

I have felt trapped more than once hearing about health supplements, natural remedies, and what makes a really stellar podiatrist.

[Flannista]

Always love to read your sass here, babysis.

And because I love you so very much, who are you predicting in this week's NFL wild-card (or whatever) play-off games? Seriously. (I'm thinking if I ask that, you'll post another comment, though I have a hunch that tomorrow's post will be about the Redskins even though treesta HASN'T POSTED ONE COMMENT TODAY.)

[treesta]

Hi, Flann. I just didn't want to bore anyone with my incessant conversation! Actually, my sister and I took my granddaughter to the zoo today. Jules wanted to see a lion roar. The big cats were actually quite active today, and roared on cue.

And, GO REDSKINS!!!

[Flannista]

That's a LOUSY EXCUSE, taking your granddaughter to the zoo, my butt.

You want to hear someone roar?!

Never mind. I can't believe the Sassistas! invited you over tomorrow to watch the game and drink our booze and use our toilet paper. I have only ONE word for you:

SNOWSHOE

[treesta]

Well, Miss Jules has been roaring at me ALL day, thank you very much.

I must apologize for my breach in Sassosphere etiquette. I'll just have to make it up to you tomorrow with SCINTILLATING conversation and perhaps a roll of toilet paper, double-ply of course.

[Flannista]

Double-ply toilet paper instead of 18-year single-malt scotch?

Was I raised in a gym sock, treesta?

[Matissta]

Wow. I'm not sure I want to be a part of tomorrow's festivities. Scintillating and double-ply. Two words I never thought I'd see used in the same sentence.

If someone hears me shout "Mommy", please come and help me.

[treesta]

Please, don't forget, Matiss, that I'll be wearing every article of Redskins clothing that I own. Hail, yeah!