Forgiven

This past Sunday's New York Times magazine included a riveting article by Paul Tullis simply entitled "Forgiven".  Under the title was this sentence: "After 19-year-old Conor McBride killed his girlfriend, her devastated parents tried a process called 'restorative justice" -- because they decided his life was worth saving."

Flannista first heard of "restorative justice" a year ago when a good friend asked me to comment on the design and copy of a potential brochure for a restorative justice organization in Maine. This friend and her husband were active in the organization and had participated in many restorative justice sessions.  But what was it?  I had no idea.

In his article, Paul Tullis defines restorative justice this way:

Most modern justice systems focus on a crime, a lawbreaker and a punishment. But a concept called “restorative justice” considers harm done and strives for agreement from all concerned — the victims, the offender and the community — on making amends. And it allows victims, who often feel shut out of the prosecutorial process, a way to be heard and participate. In this country, restorative justice takes a number of forms, but perhaps the most prominent is restorative-justice diversion. There are not many of these programs — a few exist on the margins of the justice system in communities like Baltimore, Minneapolis and Oakland, Calif. — but, according to a University of Pennsylvania study in 2007, they have been effective at reducing recidivism. Typically, a facilitator meets separately with the accused and the victim, and if both are willing to meet face to face without animosity and the offender is deemed willing and able to complete restitution, then the case shifts out of the adversarial legal system and into a parallel restorative-justice process. All parties — the offender, victim, facilitator and law enforcement — come together in a forum sometimes called a restorative-community conference. Each person speaks, one at a time and without interruption, about the crime and its effects, and the participants come to a consensus about how to repair the harm done.

My friend in Maine had shared how well restorative justice had worked for simple thefts, but could it work for a crime as serious as murder?  

The parents of the murdered teen were compelled by their Catholic faith to try and forgive Conor (pictured above).  "Conor owed us a debt he could never repay," said the mother. "And releasing him from that debt would release us from expecting that anything in the world could satisfy us."  The details of the actual restorative justice session with Conor, his parents, the parents of the murder victim, the facilitator and prosecutor is achingly honest, sad and yes, hopeful in a way I can't describe. Conor was ultimately sentenced to 20 years in prison followed by 10 years of probation.

Why did the parents forgive Conor?  According to the New York Times magazine article:

The Grosmaires said they didn’t forgive Conor for his sake but for their own. “Everything I feel, I can feel because we forgave Conor,” Kate said. “Because we could forgive, people can say her name. People can think about my daughter, and they don’t have to think, Oh, the murdered girl. I think that when people can’t forgive, they’re stuck. All they can feel is the emotion surrounding that moment. I can be sad, but I don’t have to stay stuck in that moment where this awful thing happened. Because if I do, I may never come out of it. Forgiveness for me was self-preservation.”

Could you forgive someone who murdered someone you love deeply?  I don't know if I could, but reading this article made me want to try. Read the article (linked above). You'll want to try, too.

 

 

Comments

[Flannista]

I believe I have witnessed restorative justice in action -- on a smaller scale than this article, but still significant nevertheless -- when I have watched treesta discipline kids at the elementary school. It's a tedious, tedious process, but the opportunity for all sides to air their grievances seems profoundly healing. It dissipates tension and holds all parties accountable.

I think Justista is in Vermont this week, but am hoping Peter might weigh in, if he can, with a legal perspective on restorative justice.

[Flannista]

The word in the Code Thingy for my last comment was "sins".

[Flannista]

I know the article is long and in the Age of Twitter, it's asking a lot for you to take some time to read it, but you'll be grateful you did.

[Flannista]

In many ways, I think I have forgiven my parents for my abusive childhood, despite never having an opportunity to air our grievances in a restorative justice session. A couple of my therapists wanted them to visit me and have a go at it, but they have never traveled to see me. You hear that time is the "Great Healer". That's true in some ways. Still, there seems to be something profound about everyone having the opportunity to share their hurt -- including a community representative who shares how a crime/rule-breaking impacts more than just the folks in the room.

[treesta]

Good morning, everyone. I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing a beloved to murder. And though I cannot imagine forgiving the murderer, deeply I believe that forgiveness is the only option. Otherwise, bitterness and hatred would fester and grow, ultimately choking out everything else.

Yes, I do use restorative justice principles when I work with children. Have always done so intuitively. When Flann told me about the restorative justice work done by her friend, it just resonated. Learning about the restorative justice principles and process gave a framework and structure to what I had been doing with my kids all along, and using that structure consistently was extremely beneficial.

Using these principles has been transformative for our school culture. Our wider culture teaches our children to interact with an eye-for-an-eye mentality. By the time they get into school a vicious cycle has been established. Bringing the children together in an elementary school version of the restorative-community conference allows the children to be heard, to feel valued and supported. It gives them a voice.

Have to run to go to work, but will check in through the day to comment. I'd love to hear from everyone on this post.

[Flannista]

Thank you for your comment, treesta. If, as Condoleezza Rice says, "Education is the civil rights issue of our day," giving kids a voice may be the single-best thing we can do for their civil rights. I watch you invite these kids to be heard when you discipline them, and I watch their voices come alive when they write their stories.

[Flannista]

In case you all don't have time to read the entire article, the writer, Paul Tullis asks, at one point, if the forgiveness of the parents whose daughter Conor murdered, impacted him:

*****
Still, their forgiveness affected Conor, too, and not only in the obvious way of reducing his sentence. “With the Grosmaires’ forgiveness,” he told me, “I could accept the responsibility and not be condemned.” Forgiveness doesn’t make him any less guilty, and it doesn’t absolve him of what he did, but in refusing to become Conor’s enemy, the Grosmaires deprived him of a certain kind of refuge — of feeling abandoned and hated — and placed the reckoning for the crime squarely in his hands.
*****

"Placed the reckoning for the crime squarely in his hands". That's powerful.

[nowayasista]

There are things I can forgive. There are other things where time just makes them push out of the mind. There are some people who have paid their dues. There are others who are in a dark part and are not worthy of forgiveness. Could I forgive someone who murdered or severely harmed someone I love deeply? No.

[Flannista]

Thanks for your honesty, noway. I always appreciate it and am challenged by it. I'm not certain I could forgive someone who, for example, murdered or severely harmed Matissta.

That being said, I think every human being is worthy of forgiveness -- even those in a dark part (or past) -- simply because they breathe. As long as a person is alive, he or she is worthy and perhaps even capable of forgiveness. And when we extend the offer of forgiveness I think in some inexplicable way we are bending the arc of history toward justice, as Dr. King always said. The ol' ripple effect.

What moved me so much about the article is that it makes a very compelling and poignant case for how forgiving someone ultimately -- and perhaps mostly -- helps YOU; not just the guilty party.

[Matissta]

My immediate response is I don't know if I could forgive someone that murdered someone I love. It would be extremely difficult.

I also don't know anything about Restorative Justice, except what Flann has shared with me. It does seem like an interesting way to approach a crime. I understand using this for a burglary, but a murder? A violent act is difficult for me to comprehend.

The line in the post that made me begin to understand was " 'Everything I feel, I can feel because we forgave Conor,' Kate said. 'Because we could forgive, people can say her name.' "

Sounds so simple, but doesn't every parent still want to be able to talk about their child without hesitation? As Kate mentions, it frees them by forgiving.

An incredible story.

[SC]

This is a beautifully sculpted post, Flannista.

Some things are unforgivable to me. Even if it meant that I rarely crept from a dark space. The crime and the perpetrator would set itself in my center like a fishhook, and I would wiggle there, encumbered, for the rest of my life. What that says about me, I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm not as spiritually evolved as I could be. Faced with this horrific crime against a loved-one, I don't think I'd be burning the midnight oil trying to forgive, either.

[treesta]

I believe one important part of this article, as Matiss and Flann mentioned, is how forgiveness frees the one who forgives.

In the very elementary way we utilize these principles at school, the interesting thing I've noticed is that it frees the one who has done the hurting, and gives them space to take responsibility for their actions. In the traditional sense of disciplining, we 'punish' the 'guilty'. Often the 'guilty' party ends up coming away from the punishment feeling like everyone is against them, and they are free to consider themselves a victim. In the restorative process, the guilty party makes amends. While the amends can never 'undo' what has happened, the 'guilty' party can be restored to the community. Again, in the elementary way we utilize these principles at school, the children who have had the most animosity have ended up being the best of friends. It's a remarkable process.

That the process has worked in a situation involving murder is amazing. In the literature I've read, restorative justice doesn't work in every instance - some folks are not willing to participate, be they the 'guilty' party or the victim.

[Flannista]

Thank you for your kind words, Sista C and this amazing line: "The crime and the perpetrator would set itself in my center like a fishhook, and I would wiggle there, encumbered, for the rest of my life." What it says about you is that you are a very accomplished writer . . . and a human being.

Take the time to read the article, if you can. It inspired me to at least try and burn the midnight oil to forgive someone.

[Justista]

Leaving for Vermont tomorrow. Coincidentally, the story I wrote for workshop this residency is called "Closure" and it is a story about a mother whose daughter was killed and she is going with a restorative justice worker to the prison to meet with the killer.

Restorative Justice was started by the Mennonites and they do the training of volunteers and social workers. You might recall that the father of one of the victims in the Oklahoma City bombing spoke out against the death penalty for Timothy McVeigh. The father had been working with the Restorative Justice project. I have seen families who have been horribly misled by prosecutors and police when they ratchet them up before a trial by getting them to believe that they will achieve closure with a trial, a conviction or an execution. First, the system drops them like a used tissue after they testify and then they realize that there is no such thing as closure and it certainly doesn't come with an execution. They have been hanging on over the years of appeals to their anger and hate and they feel worse not better.

Actually I think restorative justice works better in violent crimes than in calculated ones because often violent crimes are fueled by drugs, brain damage, retardation, explosive coming together of events. (I said better understanding not necessarily understanding or acceptance).

Here is what the RJ people say: The legal system aims to mete out retribution by establishing blame and administering pain. Restorative justice views crime as harm to people and relationships and seeks to identify obligations, meet needs and promote healing. They believe that involving everyone in identifying obligations and meeting needs leads to better accountability on the part of the perpetrator rather than the perpetrator viewing himself as a victim of the system.

My beautiful 15 year old "granddaughter" was shot in her house and killed 2 years ago. The trial will be in the next year. They want to execute the guy. I grieve for Alexus. I am sad and I am angry. But vengeance doesn't make sense to me. Killing the killer will not make me feel better.

[Flannista]

Deep bow to you, Justista.

Reading your comment has had the same impact on me as reading this article. Thank you.

[PEACEsista]

I wish I was certain that I'd have Justista's grace and mercy, but I'm not. I'd like to think I could forgive, but I hope that I am never tested in this way. I've lived a number of years now and I've forgiven a number of things, mostly relating to harm done to me. But, could I forgive my son's murderer? I don't ever want to know.

This was a well-written and thought-provoking article. I read some of the comments, too. Not all respondents are in favor of forgiveness or restorative justice and some raised fairly thought-provoking issues as well. Is it easier, or harder, I wonder, to forgive your child's murderer if it is someone you've known and loved for years, as opposed to a stranger?

It did bother me that the murderer left the scene and drove around before turning himself in, instead of dialing 911 right away. I am not terribly comforted knowing that he has taken "anger management." One of the commentors asked why there was a shotgun in a house filled with anger? I wonder if that house still has a gun in it. I hope not, since the father professed that his son's anger was learned from his own irrational outbursts.

When my sons were at war, I worked for peace. I didn't think that I could live with myself if I was not doing something to promote peace, should one of them die at war. If I were to lose a son under any circumstance, I would hope that I could find a way to promote peace. Maybe it would be forgiveness, or maybe something else. Again, I REALLY don't EVER want to live through that kind of loss in order to know.

[Flannista]

I don't EVER want you to have to live through this kind of loss, either, PEACEsista, in order to know.

I, too, was bothered by the fact that there was a gun in the house and that the son may have "inherited" his father's irrational outbursts Given those facts, is the son completely responsible? It's SO hard to figure this out. That being said -- and in the spirit of your working for peace while your sons were at war -- I can't help but think that erring on the side of forgiveness is better for ALL of us than erring on the side of vengeance.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this article and for posting such a thoughtful and challenging comment.

[Emily]

I'm learning these days about how the sense and concept of "belonging" is tied to the functions of community and the actions/ramifications of forgiveness. What I'm finding is that within intense pain is a mysterious desire to forgive, which is nearly impossible to make logical sense of within the current memes of our society. Perhaps a program such as restorative justice and the ways treesta works with her students can begin to make space to understand what we don't yet seem to have words for around the impact of forgiveness. I'm mostly testing self-forgiveness these days, forgiveness for situations/relationships where I have pain. Any pain, physical, emotional, mental, social, spiritual, psychological, any. Right now for me the liberation comes from getting to the place of genuinely wanting to forgive myself. It's a crazy tender place. It moves me in unspeakable ways. I think the secret is getting to that place that wants to forgive myself. From there, the forgiveness feels practically all done. Another thing that worked for me on a different level of forgiveness was to start seeing my parents as two old people, since they are, who have their own lives, since they do, filled with unknowns to me, since that's true, and to stop thinking of them as my mother and my father. I didn't need their parenting anymore, thank god, so why not? It helped me understand them a little bit better. Plus it took me out of the cycling of parent/child relating that didn't work for me.
I agree that I hope I never need to know if I could forgive someone who murdered someone I love.
I also agree that there is something about forgiveness that is mysteriously resolution-oriented in profound ways.

[PEACEsista]

On a different, but loosely related topic, as I dropped noway off at his office, we saw people crowded around a person lying in the street. When noway came home he said it was a woman who was hit by a car while crossing in the crosswalk at a four-way stop, pushing her baby in a stroller. A driver made a left turn, hit her and drove away. She apparently shoved the stroller to safety before or as she was hit. Noway says that she was unresponsive and blood was coming from her mouth. No one apparently got a good description of the car or the driver.

I hope that this driver will turn him/herself in, too. But, I'll be honest, I'm having trouble feeling anything like forgiveness for the person who hit this woman, pushing her baby and then just drove away ... fast.

[Flannista]

Whoa -- am I glad I didn't go to bed after I posted my last comment!

Emily -- thank you so much. You gave me some insights on how I have come to some sort of "forgiveness" with my parents in that I don't think I see them as "parents" as much as I see them older folks. The three of us seem to enjoy each other's company. I also appreciate and thank you for sharing your struggle for self-forgiveness. I identify with that as well.

And can I just say that your writing has a lovely "cadence" about it? It really does. I especially love this line: "It's a crazy tender place." Kind of like the sassophere, no?

[Flannista]

PEACEsista -- how terrible. How awful. The hit-and-run story just really pisses me off. How can anyone just drive away? So sorry that you had to see the aftermath.

At Christmas time, our town lost one of its favorite citizens to a hit-and-run. The driver, after talking to her parents and priests, did turn herself into the police the next day. The daughters of the man who was killed published a letter in our town newsletter reaching out to the driver. It was an act of forgiveness. Of course, their father was 92 and this mother you saw with a child was younger. I can't stop thinking about that baby who may no longer have a mother.

Forgiveness -- it's so hard and mysterious -- beyond my ability to understand, but I would hope not beyond my ability to offer. Like you, I hope I never have to find out.

Please keep us posted on what you learn about the mother, the baby and the driver.

[treesta]

What a profound post today. Thank you Flann for writing the post, and thank you to everyone in the 'sphere for commenting so thoughtfully. I have found the dialogue comforting and even healing, particularly in the honesty with which everyone spoke. I am so grateful to be a part of this community.

[babysis]

Sorry to be so very late in responding, but Flann can wake up to one more comment. I read the whole article and for the most part love the idea of RJ, although there were so many special circumstances in this particular example of a crime of passion and immaturity.

For sure it sounded like far more honesty, responsibility, venting, grieving, and closure occurred through that process than any I can imagine the justice system typically doles out for a violent crime. It makes sense to me that it could reduce recidivism because it gets to the heart of people where change is best fueled.

It also sounds like something with an extremely narrow application. Virtually all of the parties need to have similar views of guilt and forgiveness, and can't be in the throes of drugs or mental illness.

As for the details, who of us doesn't commit entirely stupid, irrational, and inconsistent behavior? OK, maybe PEACE and noway, but not many others. Without forgiveness, I wouldn't survive a day.

Finally, prayers go out for the hit and run victims AND the perp. So sad.

[Flannista]

I am grateful to wake up to this comment, babysis. Thank you for reading the entire article.

Your point about RJ's "extremely narrow application" is a good one. In his writings, Dr. King talked about nonviolent civil disobedience the same way. I don't have any King quote about that in front of me at the moment, but he knew non-violent civil disobedience was a relatively "narrow" way to change profoundly deep-seated and massive prejudice. He did it, anyway. All to say, if RJ can work in narrow applications, I believe the crack it exposes over time -- undoubtedly many generations -- can enlighten and heal all of us.

Without forgiveness, I wouldn't survive a day, either.

[PEACEsista]

Babysis: Thanks for your prayers for the victims of the hit and run and the perp. Last night's news identified the victim only as a 26-year-old female and her baby, saying that both were taken to the hospital by ambulance. The report indicated that police are looking for a white male driving a dark sedan.

There was nothing about the accident in this morning's paper. I continue to offer prayers as well, haunted, as I am, by the image of the woman sprawled in the road with a cluster of concerned bystanders gathered to comfort her and to stop and re-direct traffic until emergency vehicles arrived.