Sassistas! Our dish on the social soup.

Baby Mop

 

The Sunday New York Times typically reveals information that challenges and/or inspires Flannista to rethink long-held assumptions or, at a minimum, add another book to her Amazon wish list. Yesterday's Times, however, revealed a story that inspired a Sassistas! post that leaves Flann sassless.

Pictured above is the "Baby Mop": a onesie with ultra-absorbent mop heads attached to the arms and legs -- a product that aims to ease Mommy's household burden while also teaching a baby "a strong work ethic". Available from BetterThanPants.com, the "Baby Mop" costs $40. If nothing else, read the hilarious comments from "satisfied customers" on the product page, linked here.  For example:

I got one and had it altered slightly for my cat.

Does it come with a handle attachment so I can push my baby around too...may as well get the job done properly :-)

Flannista wants to know if it comes in adult sizes.  Also, are any of you going to order one?

 

 

Oscar Fashion 2013

       

 

    Dahlinks! Edna here!

HALLE BERRY: This is not "Monster's Ball".

ANNE HATHAWAY: Points well taken.

MELISSA McCARTHY: "Grey's Anatomy" is a drama on ABC, not the red carpet.

HELEN HUNT: Just because Monopoly got rid of its iron, doesn't mean you had to.

JANE FONDA: Sponsored by Post-Its and Sharpie Highlighters.

SALLY FIELD: You saw it in the window (in Branson, Missouri) and just had to have it.  I hate it, I hate it, I really hate it.

NICOLE KIDMAN: A dress chosen by your husband; "Urban" says it all.

HEIDI KLUM: You don't have my "Seal" of approval.

NAOMI HARRIS: "The Vagina Monologues" is a play, not a fashion statement.

JESSICA CHASTAIN: You shimmer. I simmer.

CHARLIZE THERON: Dior place or mine?

JENNIFER LAWERENCE: Like you, I fell for it.

JENNIFER ANISTON: Won't you be my Valentino?

CHRIS PINE: Not full bearded, but full breasted.

EDDIE REDMAYNE: Bedroom hair and bedroom slippers.

DANIEL DAY LEWIS & WIFE: Unlike the Lincolns (and the couple below), you had a fortunate outcome at the theater.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER & TIM BURTON: Still on the set of Les Miz with Edward Scissorhand.

Hirsute is not mine, Darlinks.

 

Sole Wisdom

It's not easy to see, but take a good hard look at the sole on the right shoe pictured above. In the middle of the shoe, the sole is cracked in two, down to the inside of the shoe and the entire tippy toe of the sole is completely missing.

The last time Flannista wore these loafers was three months ago when she did back-to-back half-day writing and storytelling workshops for associates in TRM's company.  During most of the workshop, I sat in a high stool, my shoes resting on a stool rung where they could easily be seen by workshop participants.  It wasn't until the end of the day that I noticed how busted up my right shoe was. No wonder some of the participants kept staring at it. I felt embarrassed.

As soon as I got home, I purchased a new pair of loafers. When I told Matissta why, she said: "I bet not one person in that workshop remembers those shoes. I bet they only remember how much you inspired them to tell their stories."

I now keep the busted shoes under my desk in my TRM cube to remind me of Matissta's "sole wisdom". 

Did a pair of shoes ever teach you something important?

By the way, this is the 1,500th post published in the sassosphere. 

Love to all.

 

Farewell, Me Boots

When Flannista traveled to The Land about two weeks ago, she took the "boots" she first walked in with her dear friend, Gwendolyn . . . the boots that Gwendolyn always told her to trust. 

A blister on Flann's left heel from hiking and working on The Land reinforced by a lovely card from PEACEsista (see images below) -- told Flann that it was finally time let go of "ye boots" . . . but not without saving the shoelaces, which PEACEsista included in her card.  Flann had purchased the shoelaces the only time she ever entered a Wal-Mart . . . the last time she saw Gwendolyn in April 2011. Flann had left the boots with PEACEsista, who thought they still had some miles on them. The boots, alas, were too worn out to be donated.  PEACEsista had no choice but to toss them into the trash.

The top image is of me boots on the hearth in PEACE's house, next to the hand of Buddha and a warm candle . . . a sweet way of saying farewell to a pair of boots that always heeded Gwendolyn's call to trust them. Flann will miss them. Not, of course, as much as she misses Gwendolyn.

Farewell me boots.

 

Fairest of All

 

Flannista, 12:30 pm, Saturday, September 15th.

Caption, please!

 

 

Et tu, Vertu?

Who wouldn't pay $13,800 for a cell phone?  Especially one with a video that sounds like an Oscar-winning epic film? Check it out (above).

When most people think about high-end phones, they imagine an iPhone encrusted in diamonds, other precious stones or crumbled Cheez-its. The phone, the operating system, the apps, the services -- they’re all the same features we regular schlubs enjoy.

But Vertu takes the luxury smartphone to the next step. Sure, it’s running Symbian and uses a Swype keyboard, but in addition to a red gold exterior on the high-end Constellation, the phone also includes around-the-clock concierge service, which you access and track via the pre-installed Concierge Live app. The service helps you get into exclusive clubs, make travel bookings, order fine wines, and even contact a dedicated security specialist.

Yeah, but can it balance your checkbook? The Sassistas! think there are LOTS OF SERVICES this phone can't begin to provide, but ought to if someone has to shell out 13,800 bucks to own one.  

Let's list what Vertu can't do.

Fat Pants

It's the post you've all been waiting for!  The post where Flannista reveals what are perhaps her most precious possessions!  Yes, we're talking about her fat pants and accompanying footwear!

Admit it, each of you has a "default" or "go-to" clothing item -- pants or a t-shirt or a robe or slippers that you automatically put on when you want to feel comfortable and at home. Flann is fortunate. She has several irreplaceable items, including two pair of fat pants, her 801s and the awesome deerskin slippers nowayasista sent to her at Christmas time.

Take a look, beloveds! Wouldn't you love to own the garb you see pictured above? But perhaps you own a piece of clothing even more priceless.  What is it? When do you wear it? Why is it so special to you?

Do tell!  If possible, send a photo that Flann can post in the sass stream.

 

2012 Oscar Red Carpet

Calling all Fashionistas!  

The Sassistas! here with our always incomparable and incomprehensible analysass of the Oscar Red Carpet fashion.  We saw black and white, red and blue, green and gold . . . the good and the bad.  Speaking of bad -- here's a rhyme for Sasha Baron Cohen: Ring a ring a Sasha, you deserve a lasha -- ashes, ashes, please fall down.  And on that extraordinarily low note, we begin.

THE GOOD
Sean Combs	Christopher Plummer	Uggie

Best-dressed men: P.Diddy?  Yes, he did. Captain? We prefer this velvet tux over the leather lederhosen. Uggie? Knick knack, paddy whack, give that dog an 18-karat bone.

Gweneth Paltrow	Robin Roberts	Octavia Spencer

Ladies in white: Look on the red carpet . . . it's a Bird, it's a Plane, No, it's Super Gweneth -- stunningly sophisticated and statuesque in that Tom Ford gown with matching cape.  Can you leap tall Flann in a single bound?  Slowly?  PLU-LEEZE?  Robin Roberts -- Good morning, afternoon and evening, America! Dazzling! Octavia -- beautifully flattering in her beaded white gown by Tadaski Shoji.  A sexy yet svelte hourglass shape. The sands of time have shifted in all the right places.

Viola Davis	Penelope Cruz

Off the shoulders: And into our hearts. Viola -- we love your hair au natural with your bright green Vera Wang.  No way you be tired. Penelope -- breathtaking in your periwinkle Giorgio Armani custom gown. Organza Bonanza!  Hazme el amor!

Jessica Chastain	Glenn Close

Queen and King: Turn our heads again, Jessica, in your black-and-gold, hand-embroidered Alexander McQueen gown. You're also wearing $2 million worth of Harry Winston yellow diamonds -- but you're our best friend! Glenn -- perfect name for an actress who was nominated for playing a woman disguised as a man.  Why not wear a hermaphroditic forest green strapless gown by Zac Posen?  Sup-posen you meet us later?

THE BAD
Nick Nolte	Brad & Angelina	George Clooney

Three's Company: The Dreg, The Leg, and The Egg. 

Melissa McCarthy	Sherri Shepherd	Sandra Bullock

Female gladiators:  We are not entertained. 

Jennifer Lopez	Rooney Mara	Michelle Williams

Wardrobe malfunction: Nippleless, colorless, incredulous.  We're speechless.

What Came First?

 

The 54th Grammy Awards were celebrated last evening and the Sassistas! -- desperate for a Madonna-inspired Super Bowl spectacle -- stupidly watched the red-carpet arrivals. Last year, if you recall, Lady Gaga arrived in a large egg from which she emerged later on stage (see top photo). Kinda hard to "beat" that, we thought . . .

 . . . until Nicki Minaj arrived on the Grammy red carpet last evening with . . . . her father?

CAPTION, PLEASE.

United Hairlines

 

CAPTION, PLEASE.