Sassistas! Our dish on the social soup.

This Here Rodeo

Two years ago today, the Sassistas! opened the gates to this here rodeo.  That's right, pardners!  Today is the Second Anniversary of the Sassosphere!

Since saddlin' up on March 5, 2008, the Sassistas! have published 677 posts and received 20,250+ comments . . . an average of nearly 30 comments per post.  YA-HOOOO!  And on Wednesday, we surpassed 220,400 lifetime views.  On our first anniversary, we had just surpassed 90,000 lifetime views. So our numbers are building.

But you know what?  We don't care about numbers.  We care about you.  We care about Westsista, who each month, posted knock-you-off-your-saddle "Meet the Sass" (12, count 'em, TWELVE posts) that challenged all of us.  Or half-a-sista, who posted about "Christian Jihad" (May 27, 2009) or about his travels to such exotic places like Precious Moments (Oct. 2), plus other provocative posts.  We care about Jerseysista, who posted about "Paella Mandela" on April 2 (the beginning of several posts in 2009).  We care about Carolyn, who posted about donating a kidney on June 3.  And we care about babysis, when we published her first post, "Monster Jam!" on February 25 of this year.

And that doesn't even begin to cover the comments.  The Sassistas! may open the gates, but the real heart of the sassosphere can be found after the gates open . . . in the corral of comments -- the most intelligent and hilarious comment feed to be found in all of the blogosphere.

So what have you learned about life and about yourself this year in -- and out -- of the sassosphere?  To make your thoughtfulness worthwhile, the Sassistas! will donate $10 for every comment today (up to $500) to IDignity -- an organization in Central Florida that provides ID cards -- birth certificates and Social Security Cards to the homeless that are crucial to helping them become self-sufficient.  Flannista had the honor of working with some of the rank-and-file of TRM's company who donate their time to this very worthwhile cause.  She plans to make the donation in their name.  So please tell us what you have learned over the past year.

What to say except we are very humbled and grateful, sistas and mistas, to be be entering our third year in the sassosphere.  We couldn't do it without you!  Thank you, and always remember this:  don't squat with your spurs on, though like Sassistas!, it can be surprisingly stimulating!

Love to all.

(P.S.  This is a special sass-out to the mista in Grand Rapids, Michigan, a very gifted artist that I've know now for more than 25 years, who faithfully reads Sassistas! every day and keeps threatening to join the sass feed.  Belly up, pardner!  You're welcome anytime.)

And Then . . .

Seven weeks ago yesterday, the Sassistas! published a post entitled, "Mega Ending" -- a trailer for the movie, "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" that we were convinced was merely a trailer for a fake movie.

Well, we were wrong. 

It was, in fact, a REAL trailer for a REAL movie.  So we put the movie in our NetFlix queue and about a week later, watched it at Jerseysista's house, all of us sufficiently numbed by very good Patron tequila.

Because the Sassistas! know you need to know, here is a plot (and we are using the term very loosely) summary: two scientists accidentally discover a mega shark and giant octopus buried in ice under the sea. The ice breaks up (global warming, we assume) and the creatures are on the loose. They start hunting for food and bizarre incidents occur, like the Giant Octopus drags down an oil rig and the Mega Shark grabs a plane by the wings . . . a plane flying at 15,000 feet in air and plumbs it down into the ocean. What to do? What to do?

Well, what to do is to keep the action (again, a term we are using loosely) going, so the Sassistas! and Jersey made a record of the following actual lines in the movie. The challenge to all of you in the sassosphere is to create what line follows the actual movie line . . . the more bizarre, the better:

1. "Does anyone have any forceps?" [MAKE UP THE LINE THAT OUGHT TO FOLLOW THIS ACTUAL LINE!]
2. "There's something big out there. Really big."
3. "These people can be very unpleasant when they don't get their way. Believe me, I know."
4. "Your mother is my mother. We're brothers."
5. "I looked into his eyes.  Do you know what it looked like?"
6. "Don't love the ocean too much, it doesn't love you back."
7. "Listen, screw these environmentalists.  When I give the order, shoot to kill!"
8. "Now if we don't find the Bible means of stopping this f*cker, sharkzilla is gonna own the seas."
9. "Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years.  Wouldn't you be a little horny?"
10. "Thrilla in Manila."
11. "And you little lady, you've got a lot of mouth for someone who's career is all washed up."
12. "It's not easy being brilliant under armed guard."
13. "Holy sh!t!"

Those are the lines.  Again, be creative -- make up the next BIZARRE LINE!!!

Enjoy the Go!

While watching the 2010 Winter Olympics over the weekend, the Sassistas! saw a commercial for Charmin toilet tissue that featured the tagline, "Enjoy the Go!" 

You heard us. 

Intrigued, we had to visit the website and discovered two fascinating videos.  The first was for Charmin, "Ultra Strong" which featured the "DiamondWeave" (trademarked) texture -- to ensure "a dependable clean for your whole family."  Check it out:

We then, of course, had to watch another video, this one for Charmin "Ultra Soft" which featured absorbent cushions "so you can get more out of less."  Enjoy:

It's Monday.  The beginning of a new week.  Is nature calling you?  If so, are you thinkin' that Charmin answers?  Is Charmin answering Ultra Strong or Ultra Soft?  Let us know and let us know why. If you need an expert opinion, please check out the Poop Report.  You heard us.

Bottoms up!

Jesus Paves

Jesus Paves (The Way)

Who Knew?

 

Small Town News

Exactly one year ago today -- February 19, 2009 -- the above headlines appeared in the exact same upper-right positions on the front pages of The Washington Post (left) and the Sassistas! hometown rag: The News Review (right):

• OBAMA PROPOSES PACKAGE TO STAVE OFF FORECLOSURES

• LIBRARY HOSTS THE DEBUT OF THE NEW LINCOLN PENNY

The Sassistas! waited an entire year to share this because we believe that our hometowns have a keener eye and ear for what's really important to us.  So today, we want you to choose a current national headline or a famous national headline (they are very easy to find on the internet) and "localize" it, i.e., what would your hometown newspaper see as more important news?  Here's what we mean:

• A front-page headline in today's Washington Post:  ANOTHER WAVE OF REAL ESTATE DISTRESS
• An actual local front-page headline in this week's News Review:  AQUATIC & FITNESS CENTER HVAC UPGRADE IS PLANNED 

Or, MAN ON THE MOON localized might be: HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE CAFE MEETS TUESDAY.

Have some fun today!  Let's teach the big-city press how to report the news that really matters to us!

Ridin' The White

Please play the above video!  As you will see, the Sassistas! obtained rare footage of Carolyn ridin' The White when she was just a little ol' tyke  . . .  and we obtained it just in time to mark the start of the Vancouver Winter Olympics! 

Actually, the video was submitted to a local TV station by a family in Virginia who coped with the area's record snowfall by transforming their backyard into a makeshift luge course.  After the fourth day of cabin fever, Little Carolyn speaks for all of us.

The Sassistas! have been so out of the loop -- no newspaper delivery and it's only been blizzard 24/7 on local TV -- we didn't know until learning it in yesterday's sass stream that The Winter Olympics is hurting for snow.  Or that Lindsey Vonn, a potential American headline act, has a shin injury. 

What other Olympic news -- or any news, for that matter -- have the Sassistas! missed?  Please let us know.  And while you're at it, tell us what you did in the snow when you were a little ol' tyke.  If you never played in snow, post links to articles and/or photos of what snow has sasspired in others. 

We shall snovercome!

Yeah, Right

How do a fool and his money get together to begin with? Read on.

According to the Sunday New York Times, Paul Sak is making it a point to usher in a new form of punctuation by trademarking his new sentence-ender, the SarcMark -- to use when you're sending a sarcastic email or text message.  Click here for the SarcMark official website.  Be sure to watch that SarcMark commercial to discover why you'll want to salute General Failure.

Yeah, Paul thinks it's too easy to send "mixed messages" these days so he designed that symbol on the right. "It's kind of oval in shape," says Paul, "and the second part of our design criteria was we needed to have a dot in it and there is a dot in it.  The reason being, you think about all the other punctuation marks, question marks, exclamation marks, they all have a dot in them."

WOW, Paul, that's some pretty in-depth design criteria there. Let Flann pause for a bit so she can take it all in, especially that dot. All this time, Flann thought that if one were simply a good writer, one could write a sentence in a way that left no doubt in in the reader's mind that its meaning was sarcastic.  Little did she know that all she needed was this symbol plus two bucks to download it. Speaking of download, Flann once read that another word for the art of making the idiotic sound sensible was bullsh!t. Check out how Flann spelled bullsh!t, Paul. With an exclamation point!  With a dot!

So what does the sassosphere think of the SarcMark?  

Like we care what you think.

Mega Ending

It's the movie you've been waiting for, sistas and mistas: "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus"!!  And the Sassistas! are proud to share its exclusive trailer (above), knowing that it is certain to break all box office records and go down in cinematic history for . . . well, see for yourself!!

Actually, the Sassistas! don't think this is a real movie and the trailer is a great stunt. Still, we think that if we merged all the creativity in the sassosphere and came up with an intriguing back story plus a mega ending for "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus", we could inspire Hollywood to actually make this film, and we could ALL MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

So rev up your creative genius!  Where did the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus come from?  Why the Golden Gate Bridge?  Who wins in the end?  What famous movie lines and movie characters can we incorporate into the story line to lure members of every single demographic group in the country?

Yes, it's Mega Flop vs. Giant Profits for the sassosphere!  Let's go mano y mano (or teeth to tentacle) with Hollywood and make some bucks!  Please post your movie treatments or sample lines or subplots or character names now!  

James Cameron and "Avatar"?  You ain't seen nuthin' yet.

For Play

Yesterday the Sassistas! saw quite a surprising television commercial.  It was for a product called "Intense" of the K-Y Brand . . . so you know what kind of intense we're talkin' about. Read the fine print in the image on the right so we don't have to spell it out for you.

Intrigued, we visited the K-Y Intense website and were welcomed to the "Satisfaction Lab" because "Science Can Be Such a Turn On."  Click here immediately to access the lube, er, lab.

Once you're there, we encourage you to click on the "Enter the Lab" tab.  Then why don't you enter the "Reaction Room" and begin your own search to discover what "Intense" feels like?  The Sassistas! spent most of the afternoon there, actually.  For an extra thrill, navigate to the very last door to your right . . .yeah, that's what we're talkin' about.

So, whaddya think?  Would you buy this product?  Why or why not?