Sassistas! Our dish on the social soup.

Tour de Sass

This past Saturday, the Sassistas! were invited to be part of a special tour of the White House with other local supporters of the National Center for Lesbian Rights in honor of National Women's History Month in March. 

We were parTICularly honored because the President and First Lady invited us to sassgest changes to the State Dining Room and state china after we toured the White House.  Of course, we had to consult our fashionista extraordinaire, Edna, whose expertise includes whining (not misspelled) and dining!  Following are our BEFORE and AFTER photos!

Above is a photo of the current White House State Dining Room decked out for a major State Dinner. Note the blandness. The overuse of white. The hideous curtains.  And honestly, would ANYONE be comfortable in those chairs?  Last but not least, why candles as tall as Edna?  

To your left, is our sassgestion to the Obamas on how to improve the State Dining Room. First, the use of a bold color to brighten up the place. Comfortable seating (complete with pillow), short table candle, intimate lighting, coffee within arm's reach, an all-American quilt on the wall (rather than a stodgy painting of Abraham Lincoln) and a print of a cat above the coffee station. 

Above and to the left, is the official dinner plate of the Rutherford B. Hayes administration.  We aren't kidding. The Sassistas! and Edna believe that what you are eating should NEVER be pictured on the plate. Above and to the right is the official dinner plate of the Truman administration.  Obviously, the buck stopped there. Directly right is our state china sassgestion. It's coloful (add a paper blue napkin for the perfect All-American touch) AND it can be recycled! Now the First Lady can spend more time in the vegetable garden and less time washing dishes!

We thrilled that the President gave us his official seal of approval below.

What additional changes would you sassgest for presidential state dining?

Jury Duty

In what may be the most providential timing EVER, Flannista has been called to show up for Jury Duty today.  She called last evening after 6 p.m., hoping against hope that her group would NOT be called, but it was indeed, called.  So at 7:30 a.m. today, she is scheduled to show up at her county court house.  She will have her iPhone with her, and will post LIVE comments about her experience.

In the meantime, however, what has been your experience serving on a jury?  Flann will be checking her iPhone for tips and other advice. Flann has typically not been chosen to serve on a jury because she wears t-shirts with very controversial messages like, "Jesus was a lesbian."  The one I am planning to wear says, "Yet despite the look on my face, you're still talking."  Hope it makes for an early day.  Oh, I'm such a bad American!

It's all things Jury Duty in the sassosphere today!

Here We Go

 

What could possibly be worse than the wallpaper underneath the paneling in Matissta's living room?  Two words:  Bud Light.  And what could possibly be worse than Bud Light?  Its current tagline:  HERE WE GO.

Flannista can't tell you the number of times she had to sit through incredibly stupid and inane 15-second Bud Light webmercials over the weekend in order to preview the Betty White Saturday Night Live skits.  Over and over again, all Flann heard was "Here We Go," Here We Go," "Here We Go."  Check them out for yourself -- hit the link for commercials after you click here (please be advised that you can only view these commercials if you are 21 years of age or over).

What does "Here We Go" even mean?  The Sassistas! think we ought to help Bud Light by modifying this tagline to clarify truth in advertising.  We believe there are MILLIONS of other three-word taglines that will appeal to Bud Light's core demographic of 18-24-year-old males. 

To get the sass started, here's a tagline the Sassistas! believe will work: 

HERE WE PISS

What other taglines can you sassgest?

Swipe

A week ago, the Sassistas! posted about the annual Spring door-to-door ministry of the Jehovah's Witnesses. In a comment to that post, babysis shared:

I'm home alone a lot and can't risk having those young men come in and clean my floor with their soap products. Seriously, I did that once and thought "what in the world have I just done?"

Don't be too embarrassed, babysis. Flannista once opened her door to couple young men and ended up spending more than 50 bucks on "Mrs. Cleans Pump-it-Off" (pictured right).  In Flann's defense, these guys were unrelenting about how good Mrs. Cleans was; further, that Flann's purchase would "help get kids off the street."  One of the young men was a real pro, and finally just wore Flann down.  Flann actually wrote a check for the thing and lived in fear that her checking account would be compromised. This was about three years ago.  As you can see, Flann has never even opened the bottle.

Google, "Mrs. Cleans Pump-it-off" and you get scores of links like this one (click here) from the "Ripoff Report".  Check out this information in the middle of the report from a concerned customer:

The product bottle shows that the ingredient is Butyl Cellosolve, which I looked up on the internet and also called a chemical company. The salesman and the bottle claim that the product is very safe and “easy on hand, even at double strength.

The information posted by Cornell University that was obtained from the Dept. of Defense, says that Butyl Cellosolve (CAS111-76-2, ethylene glycol monobutyl ether) can cause acute irritation of eyes, skin, respiratory tract; corneal injury, redness of skin; headache, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea; chronic liver, kidney and skin damage. It also says that it can worsen preexisting conditions.

Guess it's a good thing Flann never opened the bottle. You can't see it in the photo to the left, but way down on the bottom of the back of the bottle is this cryptic information:

HWIS: Severe 4, Serious 3, Moderate 2, Slight 1, and Minimal 0.  What does THAT mean?

Mrs. Cleans gives an email address of mrscleanspumpitoff.net, but Flann's too afraid to email customer service as they would probably send a whole case of Butyl Cellosolve, C.O.D.

What should Flann do with this stuff?  Has a door-to-door salesperson ever talked any of you into buying a product like this?

Money Mailer

Is Your Garage Floor Ugly?

Wet Basement?

Wet or Damp Basement?

These are only THREE of the challenging questions awaiting recipients of the MONEY MAILER -- "Like Getting Money in Your Mailbox"!  You know what the Sassistas! are talkin' about -- that monthly envelope filled with FREE LOCAL COUPONS!  Not to mention, these "Money-Saving Tips":

1.  Open this month's envelope.
2.  Use our valuable coupons.
3.  Save money with local businesses!

But wait!  There's more!  If your garage floor is ugly, "we can help you change that appearance in one day!  You can park your car back in the garage that night."  But that's not all!  "Floor will not chip, peel, bubble-up, fade or wear off.  It will resist dirt & harsh chemicals, including oil, brake fluid, gasoline and even battery acid.  YOU WILL HAVE A BRAND NEW SPACE FOR ENTERTAINING!"

The Sassistas! know what you're wondering now . . . what's the answer to "Wet Basement?"  Well, "A dry basement is possible . . . if you choose the right company!!!!!"  Yes, but what about the answer to a "Wet or Damp Basement?"  It begins with the admonition, "Don't let this happen to you!" and includes a coupon for $1,000 off any job over $3,000!

Does life get any better than the MONEY MAILER?  The Sassistas! so much look forward to receiving ours every month that we're thinking of creating a Sassistas! insert to include in the MONEY MAILER!  But we need your help with copy:

• What provocative question would headline our insert?

• What kind of discount would our accompanying coupon offer?

If you want to see what coupons MONEY MAILER offers in your area, just click on the hyperlink above and insert your zipcode.  And thanks so much for helping us put Sassistas! into every mailbox in America!

Anvil

The dictionary defines "anvil" as "a heavy steel or iron block with a flat top, concave sides, and typically, a pointed end, on which metal can be hammered and shaped."  Anvil is also the name of Canadian heavy metal band that is today considered the "Rocky Balboa of Metal" because life has hammered and shaped this band in ways its members never thought possible . . . and because they chose to go the distance.

The Sassistas! learned about Anvil a couple of nights ago when we watched "Anvil: The Story of Anvil," a documentary that appeared to start out as a hilarious "This is Spinal Tap" (except it was real), and ended up being the story of what happens when a washed-up, 30-year-old band doesn't stop believing in itself. Click here to visit the movie's official website. Treat yourself to the trailer on the home page.  

Also on the home page is a link to Anthony Lane's April 2009 New Yorker review of the documentary which he called, "the most stirring release of the year."  Why? Lane writes:

This film is not about rock music at all, still less about school lunches in Ontario, or unusual uses for vibrators; it is about time, and how it threatens to fade us out like a song on the radio, and why, risking ridicule, and leaning on love, we should crank up the volume and keep going.

It's true.  The Sassistas! ended up rooting for these guys despite one tour disaster after another: "Things went drastically wrong," observes lead singer and guitarist Steve "Lips" Kudlow, "but at least there was a tour for them to go wrong on."  When asked why their albums never sold Kudlow replied, "I can answer that in one, no two, no three words:  "We did not have good management."  

We loved this movie, and we loved these guys.  They are now in their fifties and more successful than ever. About the movie, Kudlow said: 

It stands as a prime example of what an industry -- particularly the music industry -- can put an artist through.  At the same time, I take responsibility for our actions in the past. We were just sustaining who we are.  Now someone's come along and brought it to a new level.  Now we're getting praise for never selling out and sticking to our guns.  It's a vindicating thing.  We got our notoriety on our own terms. We've done what we want. Not what someone told us to do.

Rock on, "Lips".  What about you?  Are you doing what you want?  Not what someone told you to do?  If not, what would you like to be doing?  How can the story of Anvil hammer and shape your own life?

The F Word

This past Sunday evening, Showtime which promises "TV.  At Its Best," aired the series finale of "The L Word".  The Sassistas!^TM held our noses and watched, knowing that once "Lez Miserables" was FINALLY over we would be reduced to summing it up with our instinctual one-word response.

So we don't alienate loyal sistas and mistas who regularly visit the sassosphere, but not the lezosphere, here is a three-point synopsis of what "The L Word" is about:

1.  Whining

2.  F*cking

3.  Whining about f*cking

If the "f-word" offends anyone in the sassosphere, please be aware that this word comprises nearly half of "The L Word" scripts as in:

WHINY LEZ:  "Did you hear that f*ckin' [typically Shane] f*cked f*ckin' [anything with breasts] last night?

WHINY LEZ:  "Are you f*ckin' kiddin' me?  What the f*ck?  What do you f*ckin' mean?  That is so f*cked!"

Now that everyone knows as much about the show as the Sassistas!^TM (who shamelessly endured all 70 episodes), let's dish about the series finale.

This was the episode during which all of America would find out who killed the whiny, evil Jenny.  Would it be the whiny art curator, Bette?  The whiny movie producer, Tina?  The whiny club owner, Kit?  The whiny journalist, Alice?  The whiny military police officer, Tasha?  The whiny actress, Niki?  The whiny rich bitch, Helena?  The whiny computer programmer, Max?  Or the whiny hairdresser, Shane, who, over the course of 70 episodes slept with every suspect, including the victim, plus everyone in the crew, everyone who has ever visited "The L Word" website (don't say we didn't warn you), and every woman in the Bush administration?

Just to be fair, over 70 episodes the show did tackle some important issues such as breast cancer (the episode in which Dana, the whiny professional tennis player, succumbs to it is truly touching), gay/lesbian adoption and transgendered individuals.  And every once in a while, a whiny lez might throw in a line or two like, "Say no to Prop 8!" or "Let's support gay and lesbian teens!"  However, compared to the show's standard, over-the-top melo-dribble, those references often felt forced and patronizing.

Perhaps the money-machine franchise that "The L Word" became is a sign that if lesbians can make it here, they can make it anywhere.  Depends on what "making it" means.  Does it mean having your very own L-Word Lipstick? Or L-Word Board Game?  Hilary Rosen, Kate Clinton, Joan Garry . . . you are respected social commentators . . . does it mean Shane-ing yourselves to appear in an hour-long "L-Word" retrospective prior to the finale and comparing the impact of "The L Word" to the first walk on the moon?  Does it mean that one of you actually opines that "The L Word" is "The first show to represent our community in a normal way" -- and none of you looks and sounds like any of the LEZ girls? This is "making it"?  The Sassistas!^TM don't think so.

So who did kill Jenny?  We never found out . . . the series ended with all of the whiny suspects, including the resurrected whiny victim, sauntering in absurd slo-mo toward the camera and wind machines in all their LEZ GLORY.  The Sassistas!^TM did learn, however, that the actress who plays the whiny journalist, Alice, has signed up for an "L Word" spin-off called "The Farm" . . . about a prison.  Uh-huh.  Apparently Alice will be blamed and convicted for pushing Jenny through that weak second-story railing that everyone who ever slept with Shane knew about.  Yeah, Jenny's dead.

Or was is all just a bad dream?

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite

During the holiday season, some things should be banned: the loss of a beloved, a terrible cold, a burnt-out refrigerator motor, Kenny G holiday albums . . . and bed bugs.

I always knew that Isaac carried around the soul of my home.  I did not know that he also carried bed bugs; in fact, was quite a host to them.  Guess who's hosting them now?  I have been forced to sleep lathered in bug repellent and fully clothed, including socks. 

Fifteen-years-old and teaming with Mighty MicroMites that not even Ripley from "Aliens" could terminate, my current mattress had to go.  Preliminary online research told me that because I spend about a third of my life sleeping, I ought to spend about a third of my annual salary on a mattress.  So I spent yesterday afternoon at Macy's, where select mattresses were discounted 50%. PLUS desperate for sales, Macy's was offering a free, 19-inch, flat-screen Sharp TV with the purchase of a mattress costing more than $799.00.

Who knew there would be about 120 mattresses to choose from?  Or that they came in assorted "comfort textures" such as Extra Firm, Cushion Firm, Plush Firm, Euro Plush or Ultra Plush Euro-Gettin'-Very-Very-Sleepy?  I rested on my back, my side, walked away, came back 15 minutes later, rested again, walked away, called Matiss for consumer ratings and eventually decided (after the sales representative woke me up) on the "Hotel Collection Stearns & Foster 'Classic' Cushion Firm Mattress Set" described this way:

Tired of waking up tired? A luxurious firm surface with added softness makes this mattress an excellent choice. Three quilted layers of convoluted memory foam provide a resilient cushioned top designed to maintain its consistency for years to come. Four high-density comfort layers offer all the support, comfort and durability you expect from an exceptional mattress.

What's more, this thing had a 696 coil count and coil gauge of 14.5 which I assumed had something to do with its Inner Springs or an AK-47.  In any case, I will get a SAFE and good night's sleep once the exceptional mattress is delivered next week.  In the mean time, I must continue my hermetically-sealed sleep and ponder this question from PEACEsista when we talked yesterday: "What about your sofa and reading chair?" 

Thanks for the Mammaries

Yesterday was that time of year for Flannista!  The day every woman looks forward to!  Perhaps our favorite day of all!  Must Flannista tell you?  Must you squeeze it out of her?  Must you?  Well, if you insist  . . . yesterday was the day of Flannista's annual mammogram!

To prepare, Flannista spent about an hour the night before opening her refrigerator door, inserting and pressing a breast against the main box and then closing the door as tightly as she could. Then Matissta leaned against it for good measure. Flannista has to confess that the pain associated with that was nothing compared to the pain associated with the actual examination.  As Jennifer, Flannista's patient and very helpful and friendly technician said during the exam, "Even the friendliest and most talkative ones get quiet during this part."  That's because we can't breathe, but hey, Flannista is probably preaching to the choir.  If you're a woman and you're reading this, you know what I'm talkin' about. 

Pictured in this post is the lovely bag I received to store my belongings as well as an empty Starbucks cup.  Every patient getting a mammogram also got a coupon for a free cup of Starbucks coffee in the hospital lobby. Guess what?  I accidentally spilled some of the piping hot stuff on my right breast but didn't feel a thing!  Thank gawd it was still numb!

Sistas (and mistas, perhaps?), please share your favorite mammogram story!  Reveal every pressing detail.  Here's your first sentence:  "For me, getting a mammogram is like [blank]."  Then tell us why it is like [blank].  Get it off your chest.  Return tit for tat.  We'll listen.  It's the breast we can do.

Brother, Can You Spare $700 Billion?

The $700 billion bailout package being negotiated by the Bush administration and Congressional leaders to buy distressed mortgages.  Necessary for global economic stability or welfare for Wall Street?  Are we on the verge of another Great Depression or reaping the consequences of -- and perhaps even forgiving -- Great Greed?

Let's dish.

Actually, the Sassistas!^TM really don't know what to make of this.  Our retirement accounts, like the retirement accounts of most Americans, have taken profound hits. Plus, we're pretty (sorry for the gutter verb, but that's how we feel) pissed that billions are being taken from taxpayers for a mess not of their making.  "I will tell our citizens and continue to remind them," said President Bush over the weekend, "that the risk of doing nothing far outweighs the risk of the package, and that, over time, we're going to get a lot of the money back."  What does "over time" mean?  Who exactly is going to get their money back?  Will our retired parents?  And how can we trust this President, who so quickly bails out Wall Street, but not the nation's health insurance system?  Or who, as Commander in Chief, is presiding over a war in Iraq that is costing taxpayers $720 million a day?  Seems like millions of retirement accounts could use some of that money, though we know it doesn't work that way.

This proposed bailout package is bigger than the entire 2009 budget appropriation for Social Security.  The plan also increases the limit on national debt which has been rising rapidly since 2001. Whatever is spent will add to a budget deficit already projected at more than $500 billion next year.  And it comes on top of the $85 billion government rescue of AIG and a plan to spend up to $200 billion to shore up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (By the way, yesterday Flannista watched an MSNBC interview with the new CEO of AIG who said, "We're confident we won't need the entire $85 billion."  He didn't specify what amount AIG would need, but already he was setting himself up as a hero if the amount came in at $84.75 billion.  The rest will probably be his bonus.)

Does anything about this sound reasonable?  Do we need this package to prevent economic sudden death after months of a slow bleed?  And will it make a difference?  Will it be enough?  Last -- and this is the bottom line for the Sassistas!^TM -- will it curb greed, surely one of the principal root causes for the economic crisis we're now in?