Sassistas! Our dish on the social soup.

Annual Meetings

Last week, Flannista attended a company annual meeting that in more profitable times was one of the highlights of the year for its associates.  Alas, the meeting budget was slashed to a shadow of its former self as you can see for yourself in the photo of the stage above. In previous years, rented luscious ferns and other potted plants adorned the stage and podium.  What's more, the podium proudly displayed the company logo.  The meeting always opened with a fun video featuring the associates and closed with a delicious buffet lunch.

This year, a photo slide-presentation of associates played while associates made their way to round tables, atop of which were pitchers of ice water and lemonade as well as a small tray of cheese and crackers garnished with fruit.  The powers-that-be knew that the meeting itself would be difficult as they had recently informed associates that they would not be getting their pay raises or bonuses.  Also, 2009 had produced two rounds of lay-offs.  How could associates be enticed to come and listen to executive perspectives on the achievements of 2009 and the goals of 2010?

The enticement is contained in the two white plastic bags to the right of the podium above. What's the bonus in the bags?  If you guess, the Sassistas! will award you with the EXACT SAME BONUS!

In the meantime, do you attend and/or have you ever attended company annual meetings?  What was your experience?  Potted plants or no potted plants?  Ice water in pitchers or bottled water?  Let us know.

Annual Reports

Ah, the rites of spring . . . robins, crocuses, Daylight Saving Time and most important of all, corporate annual reports and meetings.  Today, the Sassistas! will take on corporate annual reports.  Tomorrow, corporate annual meetings.

A couple of weeks ago, Warren E. Buffett, founder and chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, released his 2009 annual report letter, a document Flann always reads carefully because Buffett, unlike most of corporate America, actually employs the English language and writes in a clear, folksy way to his shareholders.  "Big opportunities come infrequently. When it's raining gold, reach for a bucket, not a thimble," he wrote this year.  Now why can't all CEOs write that clearly in their shareholder letters?  Following are ACTUAL excerpts from annual report shareholder letters:

1. "We met expectations because we were certain to extrapolate; further, we remembered that verification had to be kinesthetic."
2. "Last year, we considered the implications of the demise of geography as a constraint, as a consequence of advances in information, communications and transportation technologies, globalization, environmentalism and spirituality regarding decisions that enterprises made concerning the locations and attributes of the physical and virtual environments in which they operate.  These concepts had profound implications on how businesses and individuals related to tangible and virtual environments."
3. "This was a result of part of our strategic plan priority goal to 'improve the fiscal optimization to increase net revenue variance'."
4. "Sometimes results reflect an incumbent sense of onus."
5. "This past year, XXX launched new products and sales programs to drive growth, globalized consulting practices to reflect scale and markets and increased [company's] visibility within important industry specific communities."
6. "A vertically-focused consulting and systems integration capability allows us to leverage our deep industry expertise to provide clients with innovative, end-to-end, IT-enabled business solutions and services."
7. "A significant opportunity exists to identify and capture value by utilizing consulting and financial services to collapse the transactions/supply chain and improve transaction transparency utilizing e-commerce solutions.  We believe that an e-commerce portal addressing the retail sub-vertical segment of the commercial real estate market would be of great value to the marketplace."

The Sassistas! need your help, sistas and mistas.  You sassignment is to share your own examples of corporate jargon from corporate annual reports and/or translate into simple and clear English any one of the above seven excerpts.  Or take an excerpt and compose a haiku. 

We know you can do it!  Don't forget to hold your nose.

Snoverwhelmed

 

Dear Blizzard,

I would wave a white flag if I could, but I don't think you would see it.  So I've decided that if you knew the impact you're having on me and my beloveds and neighborhood and city and this part of the United States, you might be a bit more gentle with us.

Now, before you get all in a huff, let me tell you what I'm thankful for.  Most of us still have power.  I am now genuflecting every time I turn on a light or open my refrigerator and see the glow on the spinach leaves, er, make that leaf.  That's the last green thing in there.  Not that I'm complaining!  I still have that box of raisins that's been in there since 2002 and a couple individually-wrapped Kraft singles.  I'm not starving.  So all in all, I'm very grateful.

But here's the thing: even going outside nine times like I did yesterday to shovel, etc. is making me a little wacko.  I saw myself in the mirror this morning and noticed that my hair was sticking straight up in a way that makes me look crazy.  Normally it sticks up in a way that makes me look, well, like a poet.  But that wasn't poetry staring back at me a half hour ago.  I'm also kinda weepy . . . okay, I admit it, I'm LONELY.  Haven't been hugged in a couple of days, and, what can I say?  I'm a hugger. I've tried to find some companionship by reading the piles of books laying around my house, but I can't concentrate, as I think you're going to blow down a power line at any second.  So I'm on edge. 

But enough about me. Tell me a little about yourself.  I read this morning that it will be a:

  . . . bright day due to sunny skies and a fresh blanket of snow.  Winds from the northwest at 15 to 25 mph will lead to wind chills in the teens.  This will lead to blowing and drifting snow in open areas resulting in low visibility.

Not a bad day all in all.  Thank you.  But then I read that you may be visiting us again on President's Day: 

A vigorous disturbance (or clipper) diving south on the polar jet stream will likely pass just to our south.  This will place it in a favorable position to produce a period of snow over the metro region Monday afternoon and/or night.

Say it ain't snow.  Please.  Work with me, will you?  We're all miserable.  Please don't make me beg. I can hear you right outside my window.  You've stayed long enough.  Now I'm politely asking you to leave.

Sincerely, Flannista

P.S.  If you don't cooperate, nowayasista is SO going to throw hands.

Totally Screwed

Chryso shared the above Facebook link with me yesterday. It made me laugh, for the time being. The sassosphere is undoubtedly as weary of reading about our blizzards as all of us in the mid-Atlantic region are about enduring them.

Here's the latest about the current storm (the image above was for last weekend's storm): starting late yesterday afternoon, we got about five inches of snow. Then, overnight brought a period of sleet and freezing rain.  Now the entire region is changing back to snow and should stay that way through much of today with additional snow accumulations of 8 to 10 inches.  All this would be trouble enough on top of the nearly 3 feet of snow over the weekend.  But add increasingly strong and sustained gusty winds (between 25 and 50 mph) through tomorrow, and you have a perfect recipe for impassable streets and power failures.

Flannista still has power and will post images when she can.  Last night, Chryso posted this link to time-lapse videos of the weekend storm that you may have missed.  It is fascinating. In the meantime, why don't you offer some sassgestions to keep us laughing, because we are so SNOWVER IT.

FLANN'S FRONT YARD, 7:15 A.M.

It's a Gas

Honestly, we've tried not to go there. We launched Sassistas! about 19 months ago and have always talked ourselves out of going there.  We promise. But three times in five days . . . we have no choice but to post something.

Do we need to actually spell it out?  Let's say it another way: Passing gas. Cutting the cheese. Breaking wind. 

How do we handle it in a public setting?

Last Friday, flying home from Orlando -- after a First Class upgrade -- SOMEone cut loose in the First Class cabin.  Flannista looked around.  It wasn't Flann (though sometimes it is). Who was it? Everyone looked normal, reading the morning paper and sipping their coffee flavored with Bailey's.

Then Saturday, at an afternoon movie matinee, someone sitting next to Matissta . . . let it fly. In Matissta's words, "It was like he was at home and no one was around."  Flann -- two people away -- heard it.  We pretended like it was nothing, but it WAS.  It was something big.

Then yesterday, while Flann was commuting from her home to downtown DC in a very crowded subway car . . . someone cut loose. We all pretended like it was nuthin'. Is that what we should do?  Pretend like nuthin' happened?

What IS the appropriate "passing gas" etiquette? Please let us know.  

We the Peeple

Guess what's coming to the Nation's Capitol, sistas and mistas???!!!

PEEPS!  PEEPS!  PEEPS!

Yesterday, the Sassistas! learned the first Peeps & Co store is opening RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD FROM WHERE WE LIVE!  Needless to say, we're sassless!  But soon we won't be peepless!

It is scheduled to open in November (we're getting in line some time over the weekend) at National Harbor in a prime 3,500-square-foot location that sits, according to a news release, directly in front of Seward Johnson's 100-foot statue "The Awakening" -- an enormous giant crawling out of the earth.  Now we know what the giant is crawling out for!  Wouldn't you do the same?

We know your next question . . . why a store?  An ENTIRE store for PEEPS?  Work with us, peeple!  Work with us!  The store will sell a full complement of Peeps paraphernalia:  T-shirts with Peeps dressed up as the Village People, plush Peeps in the traditional chick and bunny shapes, Peeps pillows, pens and key chains, and even Peeps china -- some of it is made by Lenox!  The Sassistas! got tears in their eyes when we read that and plan to immediately register our names at the Peeps & Co store to make gift-giving much easier for the sistas and mistas!

On a more serisass note, this historical occasion got us pondering about the profound influence of Peeps on human culture since the beginning of time.  Isn't it possible that famous landmarks that we assumed were artifacts, etc. from other cultures were AT ONE TIME PEEPS?  Click here and look closely.  Centuries ago, those were PEEPS!

We're certain that other archeological and cultural landmarks from the beginning of time were once PEEPS.  Please share what you find in your own sassearch!

Whined and Not Dined

Sistas and mistas -- pictured here is the face of suffering America.  Take a good hard look.  These women are suffering.  Worse, so are their nails.

About two weeks ago, the New York Times published an article called, "It's The Economy, Girlfriend," detailing the woes of Wall Street women whose relationships with their boyfriends fell apart when the economy fell apart. The Sassistas!^TM are hesitant about posting too many details of the ensuing tragedies, as we don't want to burden the sassosphere with so much sadness.  But this is a national crisis, and we must do our part.  According to the article:

Once it was seen as a blessing in certain circles to have a wealthy, powerful partner who would leave you alone with the credit card while he was busy brokering deals. Now, many Wall Street wives, girlfriends and, increasingly, exes, are living the curse of cutbacks in nanny hours and reservations at Masa or Megu. And that credit card? Canceled.

Raoul Felder, the Manhattan divorce lawyer, said that cases involving financiers always stack up as the economy starts to slip, because layoffs and shrinking bonuses place stress on relationships — and, he said, because “there aren’t funds or time for mistresses any more.”

Dare we do on?  We must.  To cope, these women began to meet regularly and did something all aspiring, enterprising women do: they started a blog: dabagirls.com, "Dating a Banker Anonymous," where "free from the scrutiny of feminists" [but not Sassistas!^TM], women can "share their tearful tales of how the mortgage breakdown has affected their relationships."  Women are invited to post "if your monthly Bergdorf's allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared in your life."

Last night, the Sassistas!^TM spent some time with the Dabs.  Check out this entry for January 29 entitled, "DABA Girl Daily Warning Level: Yellow": 

With home prices falling 14% in the fourth quarter, summer rents are sure to be coming down.  Good day to bring up share houses in the Hamptons with your FBF, unless of course you’re dating a Hamptons home owner.

The Dabs consistently refer to their boyfriends as FBF's or "Financial Boy Friends."  Guess what else?  These suffering women have already landed "a sweet book deal" (just five months after starting their blog).  Also, they do have standards: 

Please be aware there is no swearing on DABA Girls. Kindly incorporate asterisks to express your rage.  Additionally, under no circumstances will unpleasant monikers for a girl’s Britney be posted.

The Sassistas!^TM know that a lot of what the Dabs write about is tongue-in-purse, but we read enough of their blog to have our own opinion which we will express thusly:

ARE YOU F**CKIN' NUTS?  GET A F**CKIN' LIFE!

We have standards, too.

Please post what you'd like to share with the Daba Daba Doo Doos!

The Depression Stage

November 2008 Open Mic

The Sassistas!^TM are listening.  Please share what you've heard.

Trick or Sass

The Sassistas!^TM are proud to post the above image in honor of PEACEsista.  We searched high and low for just the right sis-o-lantern image, at one point, even considering this one.  In the end, we decided to use this image -- forwarded to us by Chrysosistah -- who said, "PEACEsista would like this one."

As we told you yesterday, it's the last Friday of the month which in the sassosphere means OPEN MIC!  Please sass away on any topic that ghouls you!