Sassistas! Our dish on the social soup.

Peace on Earth

 Why not shoot out the lights this holiday season?

A Scottsdale, Arizona gun club is offering families and their children the opportunity to pose with Santa while armed with assault rifles, grenade launchers, and pistols.  Young and old can preserve the moment while gripping the high-powered weapon of their choice.

What better way to mark the season than this memorable message about the Second Amendment?  The Sassistas! are curious, however . . . not only about what you think of this, but also your ideas for an appropriate holiday message to accompany these images.

 

Out of Sass

As Flannista writes, it's 3:43 a.m., and I've been wide awake for about an hour.  Since March 22, I've traveled many thousands of miles -- at least 8,000 -- and every time I close my eyes, I see a road ahead of me.  I can't stop moving, even though I'm out of sass. 

I took the car through turns, down long roads,
along wood fences, and saw horses, just two,
far off, in a field. One turned its head toward me—
the other stood motionless so long
I began to wonder whether it was real or a fake
put there to keep the other company,
until finally it bowed its head
earthward. Farther on, I saw a flock of small birds
pulsing together as points over the brown grass,
like tiny buoys responding to air currents,
rising and dipping, the air moving
the smallest feathers on their bellies.

-- Elizabeth Twiddy, "On a Cold Day in Late March, Near Easter" (from Love-Noise)

I feel like a small bird, rising and dipping.  Unable to alight.  Rising and dipping.

Rising and dipping.

Mall-Wart

On Saturday, PEACEsista and Flannista visited a place neither one of us had ever stepped into.  A Subway restaurant was located inside and Gwendolyn had specifically asked us to pick up lunch.  Plus, Flann needed new shoe laces.  Have any of you ever been inside this strange place?  PEACEsista refused to show her face in front of one.

We understand that hundreds of other strange places -- with the same name -- are ALL ACROSS AMERICA. Have you ever been inside one?

Gotta Dance

The United States government is on the verge of shutting down, but like Nero -- who fiddled while Rome burned -- the Sassistas! just gotta dance! 

A TRM colleague found this video yesterday when, in jest, Flannista sassgested that the June Taylor dancers perform at TRM's annual meeting next Thursday.  The colleague had no idea who the June Taylor dancers were, so googled them and found this priceless video.  We just had to post it because . . . aren't the issues surrounding the government shutdown really black and white? 

Watch the video and see what we mean.

Sheened

Let's get this bozo out of our systems.

What's it like when your life becomes a verb like "sheened" or "sheening" to connote partying, questionable decision-making and public humiliation?  Is it like, going totally postal, dude, or getting completely lohanned?

What other infamous lives can we verb today?  For example, "throwing hands" can also be known as being "nowayed."  Misspelling a word can be "jerseying" a word.  How many of you have ever been lewinskied (meaning, of course, interning at the White House)?

Today, we've all got TIGER BLOOD!  ADONIS DNA!  Let's get sheened! 

Unbelievable

The following is a true story. Proceed at your own risk.

Early last Friday morning, Flannista went online and ordered the Macy's gift certificates she traditionally orders for members of TRM's staff who put up with her nonsense all year long.  She entered her ID name and password and ordered the certificates in no time flat as the recipients' email addresses and Flann's payment information were still in Macy's system.  All was calm.  All was bright.

After walking the dawg that afternoon, I discovered an email from Macy's that began, "Due to some discrepancies in the information provided on your order, we regret to inform you that we were unable to finalize your order; consequently, your order has been cancelled."  I then noticed that a Macy's Consumer Protection representative had called my home and left a similar message.  I was told to call Macy's Consumer Protection back, and reference an ID number that was different from the ID number referenced in the Macy's email.

I called and was, of course, put on hold.  When a live consumer protection representative finally came on, I was told that I had been chosen "at random" to verify my order "for your protection because of the high incidence of email fraud."  I said, "You mean, like being chosen at random by TSA to go through the airport scanner?"  The representative said, "Why, yes".  I said, "Then why don't you just say that instead of telling me that you discovered 'discrepancies' on my order.  Sounds like I did something wrong."  The representative asked for my ID number.  I replied, "Which one?"  She took both.  She found my original order, verified my payment information and because the order had been cancelled, said she would put in the order again.  I received an order confirmation email. All was calm.  All was bright.

On Saturday morning, I woke up to an email from Macy's (sent the evening before at 9:32) that said, "Thank you for your recent E-Gift Card purchase at macy's.com, order number [a new one].  Unfortunately, your E-Gift Card was returned to us as undeliverable.  This happens sometimes because email addressed are frequently changed.  We are crediting your account for this undeliverable E-Gift Card, blah, blah, blah."  I looked closely at the re-order confirmation from the afternoon before and noticed that the representative had left out an "s" in one of the email addresses.  (The email addresses in the original order had all been correct). At 8:33 a.m. (Saturday morning), I received another Macy's email informing me that ALL my E-Gift Cards had been successfully delivered.  Hmmmm.  Something or someone wasn't bright.

At 9 a.m., when the Customer Service lines opened, I called and was put on hold, of course. When a live representative came on the line, I informed her that a Macy's representative had inputted an incorrect e-mail address on the re-order.  Could you please send that parTICular E-Gift Card again?  Not a problem. All was back to calm. All was back to bright.

At 10:47 a.m., I received a Macy's e-mail: "We have been unsuccessful in our attempts to contact you regarding specific information concerning your order.  We regret to inform you that without the required information, we were unable to finalize the order you placed, and consequently, your order has been canceled."  The email included a reference ID number.  Then I noticed another phone message from a Macy's representative who referenced ANOTHER ID number.  This was now my 7th ID number.

I called Macy's again, was put on hold, and was told by an alarmingly cheerful representative that I had AGAIN been chose "at random" to verify my order "for your protection because of a high incidence of email fraud."  I said, "I just checked my bank statement and I have pending charges from Macy's totaling $600 for an original $150 purchase.  Seems to me like Macy's is the one committing the fraud."  The representative said, "That is not a problem, those charges will fall off in 48 hours."  He then offered to resubmit the one E-Gift Card order.  I asked him for his name and employee ID number.

Three minutes later, Robert calls me back saying that the order did not go through because he had inadvertently inputted the wrong security code on the back of my credit card -- you know, those three simple numbers.  I gave the numbers to him again, but less than two minutes later, Robert calls again to regretfully inform me that my bank had imposed an "authorization hold" on my account so he could not place the order.  He had tried to call my bank, but could not get through.  "You will have to call your bank and ask it to lift the authorization hold."  I replied, "I have to call my bank?  Macy's created the problem.  I have been on the phone with Macy's since 9 a.m. this morning -- I don't want to be on the phone with my bank, too."  Robert said he was very sorry, but there was nothing he could do.

I called my bank and was put on hold for 26 minutes.  A bank representative then came on the line, and after viewing my account, informs me that "all charges on your credit card account have been authorized.  Macy's is lying."  Yes, he actually called Macy's a liar.

I called back Macy's and this time Debbie answered.  I began to cry.  Really, I did, because I no longer knew what ID number to use.  I blubbered out the Macy's hell I had been in.  Debbie listened with great compassion, then said, "If it's the LAST THING I DO TODAY, I AM GOING TO STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT.  I am so sorry that we caused this problem.  Give me the number for your bank.  I'm going to call them.  Now you stay on the line because I promise not to hang up on you.  Don't hang up on me."

I was on hold for 29 minutes, but Debbie came back.  "You there, Flannista?  Well, it took me some strong words, but I had your bank drop all the pending charges (which by this time amounted to $750). Now, together, you and I are going to put in this order slowly, letter-by-letter, until Macy's gets it right."

Together we methodically placed the order one last time.  "Now, Flannista, I'm going to watch this order for the next two hours.  I promise you that you will not be subject to another random verification. And again, I'm so sorry that Macy's put you through this."

I asked Debbie for her supervisor's extension so I could put in a good word for her.  As soon as I completed my message to the supervisor, my phone hand receiver cut out.

The battery was dead.

My Waterloo

 

What's wrong with this picture?

A couple of things:  One, there's a man in Flannista's bathroom; and two, her toilet is kitty-corner to her tub.

Yesterday at 4:23 pm, after Flann had finished damp mopping her downstairs floor, she noticed some water on top of her stove in the kitchen she had already cleaned.  She figured she had accidentally dripped some soapy water onto it.  Then she noticed that water had collected in the front right burner.  Then she saw the steady drip seeping through her kitchen ceiling.  Something was definitely wrong with this picture.

Within five minutes, two plumbers (a Master plumber and his apprentice) from Coop maintenance were on the scene and 20 minutes after that, Flann's toilet was in the middle of her bathroom and a hole had been cut into her kitchen ceiling.

Diagnosis?  What Flann (and Chrysosistah) has known for years:  Flann needs a new toilet.  And wax ring -- the thingamajig that goes between the bathroom floor and toilet.  The old toilet has been temporarily fixed, the dripping has stopped, but the hole in Flann's kitchen ceiling is still there. Flann spent the rest of the evening cleaning the resulting mess as well as the rest of her home.

How can Flann tie all of these details into a lovely WELCOME for PEACEsista who arrives for a week's stay early this afternoon?  For example, what is the symbolism of sh!t hitting the can the day before she arrives? Or a toidy in the middle of a bathroom?  What does this portend for a PEACE visit?  Answering these questions is today's challenge in the sassosphere!

One more thing that belongs in the category of I-can't-make-up-this-sh!t: The name of both the Master plumber and his apprentice was, yes, John.

Annual Meetings

Last week, Flannista attended a company annual meeting that in more profitable times was one of the highlights of the year for its associates.  Alas, the meeting budget was slashed to a shadow of its former self as you can see for yourself in the photo of the stage above. In previous years, rented luscious ferns and other potted plants adorned the stage and podium.  What's more, the podium proudly displayed the company logo.  The meeting always opened with a fun video featuring the associates and closed with a delicious buffet lunch.

This year, a photo slide-presentation of associates played while associates made their way to round tables, atop of which were pitchers of ice water and lemonade as well as a small tray of cheese and crackers garnished with fruit.  The powers-that-be knew that the meeting itself would be difficult as they had recently informed associates that they would not be getting their pay raises or bonuses.  Also, 2009 had produced two rounds of lay-offs.  How could associates be enticed to come and listen to executive perspectives on the achievements of 2009 and the goals of 2010?

The enticement is contained in the two white plastic bags to the right of the podium above. What's the bonus in the bags?  If you guess, the Sassistas! will award you with the EXACT SAME BONUS!

In the meantime, do you attend and/or have you ever attended company annual meetings?  What was your experience?  Potted plants or no potted plants?  Ice water in pitchers or bottled water?  Let us know.

Annual Reports

Ah, the rites of spring . . . robins, crocuses, Daylight Saving Time and most important of all, corporate annual reports and meetings.  Today, the Sassistas! will take on corporate annual reports.  Tomorrow, corporate annual meetings.

A couple of weeks ago, Warren E. Buffett, founder and chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, released his 2009 annual report letter, a document Flann always reads carefully because Buffett, unlike most of corporate America, actually employs the English language and writes in a clear, folksy way to his shareholders.  "Big opportunities come infrequently. When it's raining gold, reach for a bucket, not a thimble," he wrote this year.  Now why can't all CEOs write that clearly in their shareholder letters?  Following are ACTUAL excerpts from annual report shareholder letters:

1. "We met expectations because we were certain to extrapolate; further, we remembered that verification had to be kinesthetic."
2. "Last year, we considered the implications of the demise of geography as a constraint, as a consequence of advances in information, communications and transportation technologies, globalization, environmentalism and spirituality regarding decisions that enterprises made concerning the locations and attributes of the physical and virtual environments in which they operate.  These concepts had profound implications on how businesses and individuals related to tangible and virtual environments."
3. "This was a result of part of our strategic plan priority goal to 'improve the fiscal optimization to increase net revenue variance'."
4. "Sometimes results reflect an incumbent sense of onus."
5. "This past year, XXX launched new products and sales programs to drive growth, globalized consulting practices to reflect scale and markets and increased [company's] visibility within important industry specific communities."
6. "A vertically-focused consulting and systems integration capability allows us to leverage our deep industry expertise to provide clients with innovative, end-to-end, IT-enabled business solutions and services."
7. "A significant opportunity exists to identify and capture value by utilizing consulting and financial services to collapse the transactions/supply chain and improve transaction transparency utilizing e-commerce solutions.  We believe that an e-commerce portal addressing the retail sub-vertical segment of the commercial real estate market would be of great value to the marketplace."

The Sassistas! need your help, sistas and mistas.  You sassignment is to share your own examples of corporate jargon from corporate annual reports and/or translate into simple and clear English any one of the above seven excerpts.  Or take an excerpt and compose a haiku. 

We know you can do it!  Don't forget to hold your nose.

Snoverwhelmed

 

Dear Blizzard,

I would wave a white flag if I could, but I don't think you would see it.  So I've decided that if you knew the impact you're having on me and my beloveds and neighborhood and city and this part of the United States, you might be a bit more gentle with us.

Now, before you get all in a huff, let me tell you what I'm thankful for.  Most of us still have power.  I am now genuflecting every time I turn on a light or open my refrigerator and see the glow on the spinach leaves, er, make that leaf.  That's the last green thing in there.  Not that I'm complaining!  I still have that box of raisins that's been in there since 2002 and a couple individually-wrapped Kraft singles.  I'm not starving.  So all in all, I'm very grateful.

But here's the thing: even going outside nine times like I did yesterday to shovel, etc. is making me a little wacko.  I saw myself in the mirror this morning and noticed that my hair was sticking straight up in a way that makes me look crazy.  Normally it sticks up in a way that makes me look, well, like a poet.  But that wasn't poetry staring back at me a half hour ago.  I'm also kinda weepy . . . okay, I admit it, I'm LONELY.  Haven't been hugged in a couple of days, and, what can I say?  I'm a hugger. I've tried to find some companionship by reading the piles of books laying around my house, but I can't concentrate, as I think you're going to blow down a power line at any second.  So I'm on edge. 

But enough about me. Tell me a little about yourself.  I read this morning that it will be a:

  . . . bright day due to sunny skies and a fresh blanket of snow.  Winds from the northwest at 15 to 25 mph will lead to wind chills in the teens.  This will lead to blowing and drifting snow in open areas resulting in low visibility.

Not a bad day all in all.  Thank you.  But then I read that you may be visiting us again on President's Day: 

A vigorous disturbance (or clipper) diving south on the polar jet stream will likely pass just to our south.  This will place it in a favorable position to produce a period of snow over the metro region Monday afternoon and/or night.

Say it ain't snow.  Please.  Work with me, will you?  We're all miserable.  Please don't make me beg. I can hear you right outside my window.  You've stayed long enough.  Now I'm politely asking you to leave.

Sincerely, Flannista

P.S.  If you don't cooperate, nowayasista is SO going to throw hands.